4/29/2017 0 Comments Infertility is Like Yard Work...Our yard has been neglected for the majority of our fertility journey. Two weekends ago my husband and I began trying to make our yard look a little less like 1313 Mockingbird Lane and a little more like normal people live here. Last weekend it rained, so we got very behind. We are really determined to clean up the yard this weekend.
Our yard is fairly large considering the neighborhood we live in. The front yard is (or was before the infertility) nicely landscaped and mostly mulched. So we really should keep better tabs on all the trees and such that try to grow into the mulch. We also have crepe myrtles that make quite a mess in addition to all the leaves that fall from the oak and maple trees. My job was to pick up all the sticks and pull up all the little baby trees and weeds trying to infiltrate our yard. Seriously, if only I could be as fertile as our yard. I think I’ve failed to mention it was about 90 degrees for most of the day. For some reason today, I was not feeling the yard work. Many times, I sat down in the yard to contemplate an easier way to do what I was doing. I decided there really wasn’t an easier way. I was just going to have to sweat and exert myself. I have been fairly weepy this week for whatever reason. Scratch that. I’m pretty sure I know why. Our donor is taking FOREVER to start her period. I won’t lie. I’m a little upset our clinic didn’t divulge this information although it seems that they knew this upfront as she has cycled as a donor before. When I say forever I mean she is really almost 3 weeks late. Earlier in the week when I was told she still hadn’t started I began to wonder if we should change donors. The thought of this was seriously paralyzing and I cried almost all night. I couldn’t eat dinner. I couldn’t get off the couch. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that we would keep our donor because at least she is willing to cycle. If we changed donors, the donor might not want to cycle at all or for months down the road. Or if we went with an unknown donor she may back out or be disqualified like our first donor. There’s just too many unknowns. So, I had try to be okay with knowing that this process is going to take longer than I anticipated. My dreams of a summer transfer are likely gone. This is yet another devastation I’ve had to encounter. So, back to the yard. I was weepy and uncomfortable and just generally didn’t feel like doing yard work. But, I knew it had to be done. So, I got up and started mentally sectioning off pieces of the yard to work on. Suddenly, I had my very large trash bag a filled a quarter of the way with yard debris. Slowly, I started to feel better about myself. I started comparing yard work to fertility and realized it’s very relatable. The work seems never ending and at any point you can be delayed. Just like with the rain this week. It’s overwhelming physically and mentally. But, I started realizing. I can do it. I can do more than what I had initially thought. Then I started getting hot and hungry and miserable. I thought to myself, “Just this little patch and then I’ll go in for water.” My husband came by and was shocked by how much I had done. This was the compliment I needed. We decided to do a little more before we went in. I thought I’d do one more little patch of the yard. The next thing I knew I had done at least three more sections of yard. I realized I couldn’t stop. Even though I was thirsty, hungry, and starting to feel physically sick, I couldn’t stop. Finally I realized, “I really have to go in.” I let myself walk past lots of sticks that needed to be picked up. It was hard to walk past these. But I told myself I’d get them later in the day after I had a chance to eat and cool down. I went in and my ears were ringing and I was so thirsty. My head hurt. I had to take a break. We had lunch and took a nice long break. Then I realized I was very sleepy. I decided I could take a nap and go back out later. The day was still young. I still had plenty of time. Later on in the evening, after taking a longer nap than I intended, I did go back out and finish what I sought out to do this morning. I say all this to explain how I’ve come to realize I need a break from all the fertility treatments. I’ve enjoyed spending the last few weeks drinking coffee and alcohol and not worrying if I’m doing too much that might impact an embryo transfer. I haven’t had to ask people to carry things for me at work. I’ve been a person. I have not felt like a person in a long, long time. In the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, Listen Up. Sometimes you have to recognize when you need a break. Don’t stay out in the heat and get a heat stroke just to pick up some sticks. I know it feels like time is running out. But, there is always time. I’ve waited two years. I can wait a couple more months to get started again. Perhaps it was good timing that our donor is taking forever. Today, I’m going to enjoy eating shellfish and cheese and drinking wine. I know I won’t feel like this every day. Some days will be hard and I’ll feel like time is being wasted. But I’m going to do my best to try and enjoy this time that I’m not doing fertility treatments. So just like yard work, fertility treatments require a lot more exertion than what you may initially have expected. But you can do it. If it gets too hot – go inside (metaphorically speaking). You will make it. If you don’t get your wish on the first, second, or fifth treatment, there’s still time. Take a break. Do something not fertility related that is hard and surprise yourself. Eat the cheese. Drink the wine. “Perhaps the most selfless thing you can do today is to be kind to yourself.” –Jenny Lawson
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Heather Joyce
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