7/7/2017 0 Comments 1000 MilesI have traveled roughly 1000 miles in the last 4 days. I am utterly exhausted! This blog may be slightly incoherent due to sleep deprivation. On July 4th (Yup…I traveled on a holiday), I began my journey to Syracuse. I left to go to my friend Heather’s house (TWO HEATHERS!) This trip was basically an 80s movie minus all the mean girl drama. No …not really… Nothing like an 80s movie. Maybe more like an independent documentary film with shaky cameras and A LOT of in the car filming. So…anyway… I drove to Heather’s house on the fourth of July. Shockingly, there was really no traffic. We had a splendid 4th of July adventure. We went to watch fireworks and just as we left the car to walk towards the bridge to watch the fireworks, a torrential downpour started. We ran back to the car hoping the rain would pass. The city was still going on with the show, so we ventured back out to see the fireworks. The rain did die down, but it we were still soaking wet. I actually don’t mind being in the pouring rain. I was wearing my trusty Chaco’s. Wearing my Chaco’s in the pouring rain takes me back to my camp counselor days. Any time that can evoke memories of my camp days is a good time. And wearing Chaco’s in the pouring rain while watching fireworks definitely did that for me. We were laughing and drenched. It was a great way to start our trip! We got back to the house, showered, and went to bed.
We got up the next morning and let the DC area traffic die down before we got on the road. It was a long drive. We left Virginia and went through West Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania and then FINALLY New York. I honestly thought we would never get out of Pennsylvania. We spent 232 miles in that state. One thing that was neat was the scenery never really changed. Pennsylvania was a dead state in terms of radio station options. Mostly preacher stations, Christian Rock, and Gospel. It was a long 232 miles. We did find a few good stations here and there and heard some songs we hadn’t heard in quite some time. Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic came on and we both sang along. Listening to and singing this song, I had some kind of surreal experience. I kept thinking to myself, “How the hell did I get here?” Did I really mail my husband’s sperm to this clinic, buy some unknown woman’s eggs, and now I’m really going to have this embryo transferred into my uterus? Who does that?! It was the first time I really recognized this situation, I think. This was a lot of work. It was a lot of determination. I started thinking about how lucky I was to have a friend who would be willing to hop in the car with me – five-year-old daughter in tow – AND volunteer to drive me 400 miles in one direction at a moment’s notice. I felt immensely grateful, as I could not have imagined doing this last task to our transfer alone. One thing I’ve discovered in therapy is that I don’t feel like I have a real family. I mean, I have my mom and dad, but I grew up far away from my mom’s side of the family and never had the chance to really get to know them, which is a shame. I am Facebook friends with some of my cousins now and I think we would’ve probably gotten along well had we had the opportunity. My dad’s side of the family isn’t really worth knowing. We don’t really communicate with them much. The cousins I did grow up with kind of drifted apart over time. Growing up, my dad’s friends were way more like my family than most of my actual family. I remember being devastated when I found out one of my dad’s best friends wasn’t actually related to us and his daughter (my best friend) wasn’t actually my cousin! I have 3 half-sisters that I don’t really know although I’ve recently reconnected with one of them and that has been nice. But, it’s not the same as growing up with a sibling and having that lifelong bond. I am so grateful to have her now. I always imagined having the “perfect” American family with 2 or 3 kids and getting to have that “real” family experience. I guess I also never felt like I had the kinds of friends that my dad has. I have definitely learned through my infertility that I have friends that are my family. That is a nice feeling to have. We got really lucky and didn’t hit too much traffic, but there was construction everywhere. It ended up taking us about 7.5 hours to make it to the hotel. We stayed at the Maplewood. I cannot say enough nice things about that hotel! It was beautiful and the staff was very friendly. They even had good pillows! I was dying to take a shower and lie down. Although I didn’t drive, I was still exhausted. I did a lot of thinking. I had my first shower with a rainfall showerhead. I have to say those showerheads are incredible. It honestly felt like some kind of religious experience. It was exactly what I needed after all the emotions I had leading to that point. We ended up going to bed at 8:30! Unfortunately, I haven’t been used to sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours at a time and ended up waking up at 2:20 and I could not go back to bed. I ended up emailing my therapist all my newly discovered thoughts around 4am (which I have a tendency to do anyway…). It’s been so nice having his support through all of this too. He is one of the most supportive and kind individuals that I know. He offered to call me this week and has emailed me every day. After laying out all my thoughts, I was finally able to go back to sleep. Although my alarm was going to go off in just over an hour by the time I finished my middle of the night monologue. Thursday morning, I got up and did my medications. I must say I suck at giving myself the PIO shots. It is so hard to do it alone. I just can’t do it well. I can’t reach around enough and I can’t poke myself fast/hard enough. I try so hard to do it fast but as soon as the needle touches my skin, it’s like I freeze. I’m sure it makes it so much more painful to have to slowly push it in with a lot of force, but I just can’t do it fast. I’ve had friends tell me not to think about it and just jab it in. But, there are SO MANY steps to prepping the shot I cannot not think about it. I’m constantly repeating the steps over and over in my head so I don’t skip one. “Open all the packs. Wash your hands. Wipe the bottle with alcohol. Check to make sure the needle is on tight. Insert air into the bottle first. Flip the bottle upside down. Make sure the needle is in the fluid. CHANGE THE BIG SCARY NEEDLE to the “little” “less scary” needle. Massage the spot. Put syringe in heating pad (This really does make a difference). Wipe the spot with alcohol. Don’t forget to take the weight off that leg. Make sure you’re doing the correct side. Pull the skin tight (Can’t do this very well). Stab yourself really fast (Can’t do this at all). Pull back on the syringe to check for blood. Rub the spot after the shot.” There’s so many steps. I’m sure I still left something out just trying to recount them. So, because I can never stab myself fast enough, it always bleeds something awful. I’m sure I look like a stuck pig. To do these shots without thinking about it, just seems impossible to me at this point. I’m not even a week in though. Hopefully, they become more automatic –except I always leave out at least one step. We will see. Heather and I were both afraid of being late so we left super early. I was so excited about my transfer day socks! I found some with Tina from Bob’s Burgers that said “Butts, Butts, Butts” all over them. I also had my lucky pineapple underwear on too! (For those that don’t know, pineapples are now becoming another symbol of infertility because eating the core is one of those old-wives’ tales people do to help with implantation). We went to the free hot breakfast in the hotel. It was awful. I will say that was the one negative thing about the hotel. There weren’t many options for my keto lifestyle. Luckily, I traveled with my own avocado or I would’ve been really hungry. We ended up getting to the CNY Fertility Center about 20 minutes early. I had no clue what to expect, but whatever it was did not match with what was there. I had kept hearing it was like a spa. It is not like a spa. It IS a spa. Literally. People were coming in for waxes, massages, acupuncture. They have yoga classes. Aromatherapy everywhere. They were selling beauty and skin products. It was weird. I checked in with the lady at the desk and told her I was having acupuncture before my transfer. She asked me if I was alone and I said yes. She asked if I had a driver and I told her yes. Then she asked if I wanted a Valium. Literally. She hadn’t even asked me my name yet. I was relieved. I was actually worried that I would have to do the transfer without one. It was very much appreciated at my last retrieval. She seemed surprised my local clinic gave Valium for transfers. She confirmed I was doing acupuncture before and after retrieval and intralipids. Then she immediately took me downstairs to the locker room. I didn’t have to wait at all! She showed me the pool they have that is shaped like a uterus! No kidding! It was wild. She showed me how to use the lockers and where the robes (Yes. Robes. Not hospital gowns. Super. Fancy. Robes.) and sandals were. I changed into my robe. I was sad that I didn’t actually get to wear my transfer socks for the transfer. I had to take my socks off for the acupuncture. I went back upstairs and the lady had me go into my room. It was not what I expected at all. It was a serene blue color from floor to ceiling. There was nice crown molding around the ceiling. There was a massage table looking bed with warm, fuzzy blankets and of course the human version of the puppy pee pad. There was also an ultrasound machine with all the attachments. What I didn’t realize until later was there were no stirrups on this bed…. The nurse came in a few minutes later. She explained that I’d be doing acupuncture, intralipids, my transfer, and then acupuncture again. She showed me the picture of my perfect little embryo. She drew some blood. She got me on the first try with no digging around! She was extremely beautiful and had an awesome Jack Skellington tattoo on her forearm. The embryologist came in and answered some of my questions. She said my embryo looked beautiful and was graded a 3AA (Very good!). The acupuncturist came in and made small talk before doing the acupuncture. He asked where my husband was. I told him he was in Switzerland as he was getting his Ph.D in physics. He asked if he was at CERN. I was shocked! He thought it was the coolest thing and asked me lots of questions I couldn’t really answer. He then noticed and stated that my right eye doesn’t open as much as my left eye. I told him I had Bell’s palsy when I was 15. We talked about Bell’s palsy a bit and he asked about my infertility. I told him my diagnosis and what we had tried so far. He told me he would suspect I have an autoimmune disorder. I suspect this as well, but it was so validating to hear someone say this. When I was a kid I was sick all the time. My joints would swell and I was tired and miserable. We saw so many doctors and they all basically told me it was in my head and there was nothing wrong with me. I have lived with chronic fatigue and chronic pain literally for as long as I can remember. I felt like no one ever took me seriously. To have known this man for mere minutes say that he thought I probably have an autoimmune disorder was quite possibly the most validating thing I could have ever heard. He put two needles in my belly, one in each thigh, and one in each foot. He also put these weird clip things on each ear. He checked my tongue and told me it looked great. My old acupuncturist was always disappointed in my tongue. I must be feeling less stressed! He left me to be relaxed for a while. He came back and removed the needles. The nurse came back in and hooked up my intralipids IV. She seamlessly hooked my IV into my veins with no problems. She told me I might have a weird taste in my mouth. She was not joking. Within a millisecond, I felt like someone stuffed my mouth full of mothballs! It was the weirdest thing!! My veins sucked down the intralipids faster than she even anticipated. She unhooked me and then the transfer was happening. The doctor came in. I had Dr. Corley. He was very nice. The nurse put a bolster under my butt. I began to realize there were no stirrups about this time… It was a very vulnerable place to be. I had to put my legs in the “butterfly” position with the bottoms of my feet together. There were FIVE people in the room watching. I honestly don’t know what’s more degrading, this position or stirrups. Both felt equally horrible, honestly. (I’m pretty sure the valium is way more for the awkward, vulnerable positions than it is for any kind of physical pain.) But, Dr. Corley was very nice. He explained every single thing he was doing before and while he was doing it. He was explaining everything on the ultrasound machine. You have to have a full bladder for this and it’s super uncomfortable having the nurse pushing on your bladder with the ultrasound. But not nearly as uncomfortable as a speculum after having had so many suppositories. I had no idea how irritated the suppositories had made my skin. I could see the catheter going in on the monitor. He was having trouble getting the catheter in. I told him this was an issue last time and he immediately changed to a stiffer catheter and that did the trick. Then they brought the embryo in to be put into the catheter. He told me to watch the screen closely as I would see a gray flash on the screen and that was the embryo going in. I saw it! I saw the flash! It was seriously the coolest thing ever. I was so emotionally overwhelmed. Everyone was talking to me and giving me good luck. I have no idea what any of them said. I remember the doctor stressing to not do home pregnancy tests and “there’s no data to support bed rest.” Other than that, I didn’t remember a single thing anyone said after they left the room. I remember the nurse saying something about going to the bathroom. But I couldn’t remember if she said to go now or wait!! It didn’t matter. I just kept staring at the picture of the embryo in my uterus. I couldn’t take my eyes off it and I started to cry a little. I wish I had had my phone to take a picture of it. The acupuncturist came back into the room and asked if I had gone to the bathroom. I hadn’t so he helped me up and to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter how much my brain knows I cannot physically pee out my embryo, it took me forever to convince my bladder to empty for fear of losing my embryo. After coaxing my pee out, I went back in for my second round of acupuncture. I don’t remember where the needles went that time. I did get the weird ear clips again, but none on my belly. The acupuncturist did tell me that I needed to eat more calories than normal and you don’t have to tell me twice to eat more! When it was over I went back downstairs and changed into my clothes. I called Heather and she came and got me. I think I was in and out in about 2 hours! I did ask if I could go to the zoo and they said that would be all right as long as I walked slow, took breaks, and didn’t walk all day. I LOVE the zoo. I am seriously like a 5 year old in a zoo. I had such a fantastic time. We got to see an elephant take a bath. A baby elephant was trying to get into some trouble with some zookeepers. We saw a penguin fight and otters chasing each other. We also saw a Tiger who seemed to be dreaming that he was chasing something. Then on our way out, we were stalked and chased by a lion through the glass – which I must admit that part was actually slightly terrifying. We made a pit stop to Harrison’s Bakery (I highly recommend) to get some cookies for my cat sitter. I did indulge and had some kind of delicious pastry and our 5-year-old companion got a cookie that was bigger than her head! Heather got a really delicious looking cannoli. After we got back to the hotel, I almost immediately passed out and took a two-hour nap. My friend and her daughter went swimming in the hotel pool. They came back just as I woke up. We played some games and went to dinner. I could not sleep again at all last night. I’m really not sure if it is my nerves, the trip, my messed up summer sleeping patterns, the Prograf or a combination. But, I cannot sleep at all. We got up early this morning and stopped at Denny’s for breakfast. We drove straight only stopping for one bathroom break and to get gas. We literally hit no traffic although we did take a slight detour because Waze tried to take us on a route toward the beltway. As soon as we realized that happened, we redirected ourselves back to Interstate 81. No way either of us wanted to go on the DC Beltway! Early in the trip, my stomach was cramping horribly. I know I’m going to be symptom spotting every little twinge and anything I make up as a possible pregnancy symptom. After we got to Heather’s house, I decided I should probably eat something even though I just wanted to keep driving. I ate very quickly. I did hit some traffic leaving Northern VA but not too bad. Overall, with the stops, my trip home was a little over 10 hours. It was a long trip, but I’m glad I had a good friend as company! It almost still doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real on the way up and it still doesn’t feel like it really happened. It’s so cliché, but it feels like a dream. I just really hope it leads to fulfilling my ultimate dream. I really hope this works. Our anniversary is Thursday and I would love to be pregnant as a late anniversary present. I’ve already calculated my due date (as I always do) and I just really want this to work. Everything about it would be so perfect. So, here I am 1dp5dt (for you lay people, that’s infertile speak for 1 day past a 5 day transfer—and if you need that further translated my embryo was 5 days old at the time of transfer). I will have my first beta test on July 17th. I think they do 3 or 4 betas a few days apart to confirm your pregnancy. I’ve never made it that far so I’m really not sure what that stage looks like. I have to go back on the 12th to have my estrogen and progesterone tested. I was pleased to learn my TSH went down after taking the LDN! I hope it keeps going down! Now to just kill 10 more days without going absolutely crazy…. “Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you And life has a funny way of helping you out” Alanis Morissette
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Heather Joyce
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