1/24/2017 0 Comments Forever WaitingYesterday was my birthday. Which I have kind of been dreading like the plague. I always thought I’d have at least one kid by this age and here I am with no sight of any children. I’ve been waiting for – what feels like – eons for my period. I had hoped and hoped and hoped that I would get my period for my birthday. When have I ever wished for that on my birthday? Who would wish for this? Oh that’s right…infertile women… Especially those waiting for their period to start IVF. If my body had cooperated I’d be having my egg retrieval next Monday. But here I am still waiting just to get started. It is so stressful trying to plan meetings for work around an infertility schedule. I don’t think I need an added layer of “when will I get my next period?” on top of that. I had to call the doctor yesterday as it was cycle day 35. This is the day when you should be worried if you haven’t had a period yet. They generally like for you to take a pregnancy test before you come in. Even though I knew it would be negative, I couldn’t bring myself to see another negative on my birthday. There’s always that ounce of hope against all rational thought that maybe, just maybe, this will be your lucky month. Although I waited to take a pregnancy test, I did manage to muster up the courage to call the doctor and schedule an appointment. They said they’d need to do an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts or if I have maybe ovulated already. So this morning, I woke up for my appointment before work and peed on a stick. It was negative of course. As always, I held it in the light at every different angle just to make sure it was negative. Alas, it was definitely negative. I then went in for my morning “greeting” with the doctor. I had some slight markers that maybe I did ovulate already. My uterine lining appeared to be thick enough to indicate that I was producing estrogen and I had fluid behind my uterus which would indicate I had recently ovulated. But my ovaries weren’t showing much of what they were looking for. *Infertility Pro Trip: Always wear clothes that are easy to take on and off for a faster appointment. Right now I am loving leggings and my zip up boots! Next stop: Bloodwork. Have I mentioned that I’m basically a walking bruise? I feel like at any given moment I have 8-15 circular bruises on my back from cupping and I currently have an insane black bruise below my belly button from acupuncture. My legs and arms are often bruised from acupuncture as well. I rolled up my shirt sleeve and sure enough my good vein was still bruised from the last blood draw. Luckily, I had one more good vein right next to it. The good nurse was taking my blood today, luckily, and there were no issues getting my blood this time. So, I waited and waited and waited. Finally, this afternoon I got the call that I did actually ovulate! Hopefully, my period will come within the next week. If it does not come within the next 10 days I have to go back and see what’s going on. So…I’ll still be here… waiting and waiting. In honor of Janis Joplin’s birthday last week, I’ll leave with one of my favorite quotes of all time: “It’s gonna be a long hard drag, but we will make it.”
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1/9/2017 0 Comments Weekend UpdateThese last few days have been pretty frustrating. As I expected, I never got my solid smiley face. So on cycle day 18 (Friday), I did as instructed and gave the office a call. Of course I got no answer, so I had to leave a voicemail. And naturally, they called while I was at work and couldn’t talk (I wasn’t sure how many times I should say “period” or “ovulate” in a hallway that echoes.) I spoke briefly to her and was very confused by the time I got off the phone. It sounded like she said I couldn’t start IVF unless I ovulated. In what world does that make sense? If I didn’t ovulate on letrozole why in the world would I ovulate naturally?! So I went back to work for several hours before I could call back to clarify my questions. Three hours later I finally get a chance to call back. And yes, she definitely said I had to ovulate or we would have to wait until my February cycle to start. I asked what happened if I didn’t ovulate the next time and she said we would have to “re-evaluate our options.” To me that meant not doing IVF with my own eggs. My head was spinning so fast I couldn’t even think of all the right questions to ask. Of course I had ALL WEEKEND to think about every question I wanted to ask.
I went in this morning for bloodwork to check my progesterone to confirm whether or not I ovulated. So this time, I was prepared with questions. Of course I saw a different nurse than the one I spoke with on the phone Friday. She would not answer my questions. She just kept saying, “We have to see what the blood work says.” When I asked her why we couldn’t proceed if I didn’t ovulate and her response was, “If you have a cyst it’s not a good time to start IVF.” Answered just like a politician… So I asked again. She simply said we had to wait to see what the blood work said. I realized she wasn’t really going to answer my questions. So I went home and waited for the call. If I’m this antsy over a progesterone call what will I be like if I ever have to wait for a beta?! Finally, at 1:00 I got the call. It was the same nurse as Friday. And as I suspected…no ovulation. But suddenly….We can do IVF with this cycle…Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic we don’t have to wait. But what’s with all the different answers?! This is such an emotional and confusing process without adding all these mixed messages. However, there is a catch. This time they will not prescribe me Provera if I don’t start my period. So my period come anytime between next week and never. It could literally take 60 or even 90 days to get another period. It’s interesting to me that my period was a perfect 28 days prior to seeking medical treatment. Despite having a few major emotional meltdowns, I have really been feeling more like myself lately. Over the past few months I would definitely categorize myself as “comfortably numb.” I didn’t really have any feelings or emotions. Which is actually kind of nice when you are being bombarded with negative news on a regular basis. It’s much easier to function when you aren’t crying all the time. But it does wear you down over a while. I have definitely reached that “keto clarity” I have read about. My mind does feel sharper. When I laugh I’m actually having a good time. I have feelings again. But these positive feelings definitely come with a price when the negative emotions come in. It is hard to go back to wrangling all of that after blocking it out for so long. At the beginning, I tried so hard not to let my emotions fester. But festering have they been… It’s amazing how something as simple (or not so simple...depending on how attached you are to carbohydrates) as a diet change can make such a huge difference. I never would have guessed. All this time I thought food made me feel better, but it made me feel so much worse. Part of feeling like myself again involves reading for pleasure. Last year I only read 9 books. My goal was to read 35 and I normally read at least 25. Eight of these books were prior to seeing the fertility specialist in May. One book was a book I started reading months ago and finished just before the New Year. I really couldn’t bring myself to read. I couldn’t concentrate when I was reading. It wasn't enjoyable. Not that anything really was. I ordered a book from Amazon that actually took quite a while to get here. I wanted to get back into reading. I started reading it Saturday and finished it yesterday. I bought a book at Target yesterday (it’s called Everything, Everything). I started reading it last night and stayed up until 1AM to finish it! It was so nice to find so much pleasure in reading again. Plus it was a really good book. The main character likes to read books over and over and tries to find a new meaning each time she reads them. This morning my Timehop showed a quote that I shared 7 years ago from Fox and the Hound – “Darlin’, forever is a long, long time and time has a way changing’ things.” I used to think this quote was so sad. Now I think I’ve found a new meaning in it. I won’t be miserable forever. Even if we spend all this money and we don’t get pregnant. At some point, I can be happy again. But it sure would be nice to know how long “forever” will be. How long will it take to change the wish in my heart if my wish doesn’t come true? 1/5/2017 0 Comments Still waiting...Have you ever said, "if *insert thing here* happens *insert number of times here* I'm going to lose it!" Well that thing (getting a flashy smiley face) happened to me that many times (6) yesterday. And I LOST it.
So, I have been doing ovulation predictor kits this month and when I get my solid smiley face (aka peak ovulation) I'm supposed to call the doctor and have my IVF meds ordered (or cycle day 18--whichever happens first). The way these tests work is that you got a circle for low fertility, a flashy smiley face for high fertility, and a solid smiley face for peak. Most people get 4 or less flashy faces before getting their solid smiley face. Any more than 9 just give up...you are not going to ovulate. Generally, on the medication I would go from low to peak overnight on cycle day 12. This month I got a flashy smiley face on cycle day 11.....cycle day 12...cycle day 13...cycle day 14...cycle day 15...so on cycle day 16 when I got my 6th smiley face I. lost. My. Shit. I cried instantly. I crawled back in bed with my husband and sobbed. I cried until I felt like if I didn't get up there was no way I was going to work. So, finally I got up and threw on something that resembled clothes appropriate for work. Put my hair in a ponytail ...all while crying... fixed my lunch and left. I cried the whole way to work. Normally, when I cry on the way to work there's a spot where I know I have to start getting myself together. I got to that spot and passed it and still couldn't get it together. I parked and kept crying. Luckily, I was texting someone (while parked) and finally mustered up all I could to go in the building with her encouragement. I somehow wasn't even late. I even walked in with another coworker and she didn't even seem to notice. I somehow managed to make it through work. There were times I thought for sure I'd have to close my door and sob, but I didn't. I even managed a coffee date with someone afterwards. I don't know how. Prior to yesterday, I was finally thinking, "Oh I can finally write a happy blog post!" We started the Ketogenic diet right after Christmas. I've known for a while that I needed to do this but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had already given up caffeine, alcohol, and God knows what else. I couldn't give up my one true comfort. Once I said, "the only thing I have left in my life is food" out loud I instantly thought, "I'm pretty sure this is how people end up on the biggest loser." I realized I had to make a change. The first few days were rough. I was miserable. I had a terrible headache and felt like a sloth. I'm so glad I started before work because I would not have made it otherwise. Once I realized I'm not just eating for myself: I'm eating for my future child. I'm eating for my husband to be a father. I'm eating for my parents and in-laws to be grandparents. It's a lot of pressure, but it makes it so much easier to say no to temptations. Now that we are over a week in, I can't believe how much better I feel. My mind feels clear. Dare I say, I felt happy for a few days (prior to yesterday). I was making one of my new favorite recipes (tuna avocado bites) and I enjoyed cooking them! For those that don't know, I am the queen of frozen pizza. Whatever requires the least amount of effort is what I "like" to "cook." But here I was touching canned tuna mixed with mayonnaise and avocado with my bare hands and enjoying it! I actually felt proud of myself which is something that never happens especially if it involves me in the kitchen. Although yesterday was really terrible, I woke up today...got another flashy smiley face...spoke a few choice words to my OPK and threw it in the trash and kept going. I hate that I'm clearly not going to ovulate which means who knows when I'm going to start my period which means who knows when we will get to start IVF. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. This used to stress me out (and will continue I'm sure), but I need to find peace in knowing I'm literally doing everything I can. Should I have starting trying to have kids sooner? Maybe. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. I'll never know. Should I have cut out carbs sooner? Maybe. I'll never know. But I'm doing it now. On one of the first days of the diet I was so angry that I had to do the diet in the first place. "It's not fair I have to do this," I yelled out loud. It's not fair. It's not fair that by the end of this we will have spent well over $30,000 and we may or may not get pregnant. None of it is fair. But it is what it is. And I have to figure out a way to be okay with that. I started going back to acupuncture today (probably should have started that sooner too, but oh well). The man I used to see quit so now I'm seeing the other one. She's very likable. She laughs at my sarcasm. She seems optimistic that IVF will work. I also seem to have mastered the art of scratching my nose with multiple needles hanging out of my hand and arm without too much fear. When I got home I had so much energy and I felt light as a feather. I felt like my old self for the first time in a long time. I bought a pair of those Taylor Swift Keds with a cat on the side. I was dancing in the kitchen wearing those listening to Shake It Off while I prepared a healthy dinner. I'm trying to live in the moment and accept things how they are in the here and now. If I can feel this good after a day as bad as yesterday, I almost look forward to seeing how good I'll feel tomorrow. "If there's a single lesson that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." -- The Magicians |
Heather Joyce
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