4/29/2017 0 Comments Infertility is Like Yard Work...Our yard has been neglected for the majority of our fertility journey. Two weekends ago my husband and I began trying to make our yard look a little less like 1313 Mockingbird Lane and a little more like normal people live here. Last weekend it rained, so we got very behind. We are really determined to clean up the yard this weekend.
Our yard is fairly large considering the neighborhood we live in. The front yard is (or was before the infertility) nicely landscaped and mostly mulched. So we really should keep better tabs on all the trees and such that try to grow into the mulch. We also have crepe myrtles that make quite a mess in addition to all the leaves that fall from the oak and maple trees. My job was to pick up all the sticks and pull up all the little baby trees and weeds trying to infiltrate our yard. Seriously, if only I could be as fertile as our yard. I think I’ve failed to mention it was about 90 degrees for most of the day. For some reason today, I was not feeling the yard work. Many times, I sat down in the yard to contemplate an easier way to do what I was doing. I decided there really wasn’t an easier way. I was just going to have to sweat and exert myself. I have been fairly weepy this week for whatever reason. Scratch that. I’m pretty sure I know why. Our donor is taking FOREVER to start her period. I won’t lie. I’m a little upset our clinic didn’t divulge this information although it seems that they knew this upfront as she has cycled as a donor before. When I say forever I mean she is really almost 3 weeks late. Earlier in the week when I was told she still hadn’t started I began to wonder if we should change donors. The thought of this was seriously paralyzing and I cried almost all night. I couldn’t eat dinner. I couldn’t get off the couch. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that we would keep our donor because at least she is willing to cycle. If we changed donors, the donor might not want to cycle at all or for months down the road. Or if we went with an unknown donor she may back out or be disqualified like our first donor. There’s just too many unknowns. So, I had try to be okay with knowing that this process is going to take longer than I anticipated. My dreams of a summer transfer are likely gone. This is yet another devastation I’ve had to encounter. So, back to the yard. I was weepy and uncomfortable and just generally didn’t feel like doing yard work. But, I knew it had to be done. So, I got up and started mentally sectioning off pieces of the yard to work on. Suddenly, I had my very large trash bag a filled a quarter of the way with yard debris. Slowly, I started to feel better about myself. I started comparing yard work to fertility and realized it’s very relatable. The work seems never ending and at any point you can be delayed. Just like with the rain this week. It’s overwhelming physically and mentally. But, I started realizing. I can do it. I can do more than what I had initially thought. Then I started getting hot and hungry and miserable. I thought to myself, “Just this little patch and then I’ll go in for water.” My husband came by and was shocked by how much I had done. This was the compliment I needed. We decided to do a little more before we went in. I thought I’d do one more little patch of the yard. The next thing I knew I had done at least three more sections of yard. I realized I couldn’t stop. Even though I was thirsty, hungry, and starting to feel physically sick, I couldn’t stop. Finally I realized, “I really have to go in.” I let myself walk past lots of sticks that needed to be picked up. It was hard to walk past these. But I told myself I’d get them later in the day after I had a chance to eat and cool down. I went in and my ears were ringing and I was so thirsty. My head hurt. I had to take a break. We had lunch and took a nice long break. Then I realized I was very sleepy. I decided I could take a nap and go back out later. The day was still young. I still had plenty of time. Later on in the evening, after taking a longer nap than I intended, I did go back out and finish what I sought out to do this morning. I say all this to explain how I’ve come to realize I need a break from all the fertility treatments. I’ve enjoyed spending the last few weeks drinking coffee and alcohol and not worrying if I’m doing too much that might impact an embryo transfer. I haven’t had to ask people to carry things for me at work. I’ve been a person. I have not felt like a person in a long, long time. In the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, Listen Up. Sometimes you have to recognize when you need a break. Don’t stay out in the heat and get a heat stroke just to pick up some sticks. I know it feels like time is running out. But, there is always time. I’ve waited two years. I can wait a couple more months to get started again. Perhaps it was good timing that our donor is taking forever. Today, I’m going to enjoy eating shellfish and cheese and drinking wine. I know I won’t feel like this every day. Some days will be hard and I’ll feel like time is being wasted. But I’m going to do my best to try and enjoy this time that I’m not doing fertility treatments. So just like yard work, fertility treatments require a lot more exertion than what you may initially have expected. But you can do it. If it gets too hot – go inside (metaphorically speaking). You will make it. If you don’t get your wish on the first, second, or fifth treatment, there’s still time. Take a break. Do something not fertility related that is hard and surprise yourself. Eat the cheese. Drink the wine. “Perhaps the most selfless thing you can do today is to be kind to yourself.” –Jenny Lawson
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This week will be a special blog post for National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme of this year’s Bloggers Unite Challenge is Listen Up!
@Infertilityisfu tweeted, “The fertile public still thinks IVF= Octomom, adoption is free, and only pantsuit-wearing unlikable old women are infertile.” Nothing could sum up my infertility experience better than that tweet. I have experienced all kinds of misconceptions and unsolicited advice from a variety of well-intentioned and well educated friends and family. Listen Up! I will share some of my journey to dispel these beliefs. At the beginning of my fertility journey, I believed all those things. I thought that infertile people were older, career focused women who simply waited too long to try to have children. However, one in eight couples struggle to conceive. One in eight. That is a pretty staggering statistic. Infertility is a disease that no one deserves. According to the interwebs, one-third of fertility issues are female related, one-third male related, and the other third is either a mixture of both or unknown causes. My husband and I began trying to have children just after I turned, the ripe old age of, 27. I felt like I was young and pretty healthy. Why would I have trouble getting pregnant? After six months, I still wasn’t pregnant. I’m a fairly impatient person and when I make up mind to do something, I do it. I was growing frustrated that I still wasn’t pregnant. I did have some close friends that I knew had trouble getting pregnant. I thought they were just really unlucky and that could never happen to me…. Right? Infertility is for old women or women/men who have had cancer or men who had physical injuries. I would know if I was infertile, right? I mean, my periods were regular and I had no real symptoms of anything I’d read about online. I went to the doctor and was informed that in Virginia if you are under 35 your insurance will not pay for infertility testing unless you’ve been trying to have a baby for at least a year. So six more months rolled around, and even though I had peed on all kinds of sticks, monitored my temperature every morning at 6am, and kept track of my cervical mucus, I still wasn’t pregnant. At first, I was terrified to schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. What if something was wrong with me? What if something was wrong with my husband? What if something was wrong with both of us? After consulting a friend, I realized I had to know one way or the other. The longer I waited to see a doctor, the longer it could take me to get pregnant. So, just a few months after my 28th birthday I had my first appointment. Besides…nothing serious could be wrong with me. Just a few months of Clomid and I’d be fine, Right? I learned that I had one maybe two blocked fallopian tubes, low AMH, and possible endometriosis. When I realized low AMH is one of the most difficult-to-treat fertility problems, I started looking into other options to build our family—just in case. Of course, I had many friends casually recommend adoption, taking a vacation, or my personal favorite “just relax”. We ultimately decided, with the guidance of our doctor, to start with a “cheaper” fertility treatment: Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). What I learned at this stage of my journey was that although my insurance covered testing, it did not cover ANY treatment. Our IUI cost us about $500 and did not work. Our doctor had recommended surgery to rule out possible endometriosis. At first, our insurance was unwilling to pay for this exploratory surgery. It was going to cost us anywhere from $5,000-$7,000 out of pocket. Luckily, our doctor coded it as surgery for pain management and our insurance did pay, but we still had to pay $1,000. I did have stage 3 endometriosis which was excised and had to have a Fallopian tube removed. Then we tried two more IUIs. My body did not respond to the medicine either time so they were both canceled. Learning my body wasn’t even responding to the medications, even though I was young, was devastating. Everyone who knew about my “trouble to get pregnant” reassured me that I was young and had plenty of time. Everything would be fine. But nothing was fine. Nothing was working. So, we decided to move towards IVF. Even though we were several months into this and I had read everything there was to read about infertility, I still thought IVF would have to work. Just look at Octomom! In my mind, IVF would not only work but, we would probably have multiples, right? Wrong. In fact, we were told IVF would most likely not work the first time and the first round is seen as a test run. One round of IVF at our clinic is about $9,000 plus another $4,000 for our meds. Our clinic had a two cycle package for $15,000 not including medications. So, we went through our first cycle of IVF. Again, my body did not respond to the medications. I had one follicle which we did retrieve and it did have an egg. Unfortunately, it did not make it to transfer day. Our second try, we had three follicles. But, one disappeared before we got to retrieval and only one follicle actually had an egg. It fertilized, but did not stick. The devastation after two failed IVF treatments is indescribable. That was the end of the road for our IVF funds. All along the way, I’ve been looking into alternative solutions. I’ve seriously given adoption strong consideration. However, to go through a private agency is no picnic. You have to really sell yourself publicly to be chosen by someone. Convince someone that although you cannot reproduce on your own, you are worthy of children. You have to go through an extensive home inspection and interview by social workers. Not to mention the price tag is around $30,000-$50,000. On top of that, in most states the birth mother has the right to change her mind within the first week. Giving back a baby is something I couldn’t bear to do. There’s also adoption through foster care. However, the goal of foster care is generally to get the child back to their family. I’ve heard of some really great cases of people getting to adopt an infant quickly through foster care for no or little cost, but those stories are few and far between. Adoption is not nearly as simple as what I had been lead to believe. Adoption should also not be viewed as the burden of the infertile. You do not have to be infertile to adopt. Despite what some may say to you on this journey, it is not selfish to want to have your own baby even if it requires significant medical intervention. I’ve also had friends casually recommend using a surrogate (which is now referred to as gestational carrier). Generally gestational carriers are used if the mother cannot carry a baby to term safely. The cost of gestational carriers is astounding. This can range from $100,000-$150,000+. That is simply not an option for me. And, some states and countries prohibit the use of gestational carriers. For instance, in our nation’s capital you may be fined $10,000, or sentenced to prison for one year, or both if you break this law. Besides, I want the full package of being a mother—swollen cankles and all. Our next option was donor eggs. I honestly had no idea this was even a thing. We can use someone else’s eggs and fertilize it with my husband’s sperm and have that embryo transferred to my uterus. Again, this comes with a steep price tag. Our clinic costs about $30,000 plus the cost of medications. Way out of our price range. Luckily, we found a clinic in New York that offers packages starting at $9,000 and allows you to finance through them with no credit check. For this, we will have to travel just under 8 hours away. We are currently in the process of waiting for our donor to start her medications. This is hopefully the way we will build our family. Although our baby will not be biologically similar to me (if we get lucky), I know I will love any baby that comes into my life in any way. Science is an incredible thing to give us this opportunity. This is my (very condensed) infertility story. I am not an unlikable, pantsuit-wearing, old lady. I am an otherwise healthy, mostly likable, young woman. The only pantsuit I own is strictly for job interviews or scary work meetings. I have done IVF twice and I did not have 8 babies; I had zero live babies. While adoption is a very great way to create a family, this is not the road we are wanting to go down as it is certainly not easy or free. I am grateful that science and very generous women exist to help me start my family. I am one in eight. So please, Listen Up, and learn more about the issues of infertility. The fact is, someone you know (or perhaps even you) are infertile. If you are already on this crazy roller coaster, please find positive supports in your life and try to distance from the not-so-positive. Even on days when it seems impossible, be kind to yourself. For more information about infertility please see: http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/ 4/20/2017 0 Comments Ramblings from an infertileIt’s been ten days since my last blog post. I swear I thought it had been 2 months. Time has essentially stopped moving for me. The other day I started freaking out because I could’ve sworn I should’ve had my period by now. I was only cycle day 22. It hasn’t even been a month since our last IVF failed and it feels like it’s been years.
In the last few days/weeks I have really experienced a lot of emotions and numbness all at once. Some days I would feel like I was doing okay and then I would suddenly become overwhelmed with sadness and despair. It seemed like it would come from nowhere. I think so far the most important thing has been staying busy. Matt and I had some gift cards to the movies so we took advantage of those and spent this past Sunday cleaning our yard. It’s definitely very helpful for me to get out of the house as much as possible. While we were working on the yard, I had a moment where I felt genuinely happy. It caught me so off guard I had to stop what I was doing to think about it. I actually had a fleeting thought, “Is it okay for me to feel happy?” I started feeling guarded with myself. It’s a really scary thought to feel happy. I know what the crash of disappointment feels like and it’s a lot to bear. It’s likely going to be two more months before we even have our next transfer. I started questioning myself. Do I really want to move forward with the donor eggs? Well, we’ve already signed the contract and put down our deposit. So I’m guessing it’s too late to back out now. I’ve really had to sever the connection in my brain with the money. For the next two years, no matter what happens, we will be paying about $417 a month for a total of $10,000. I didn’t even pay $10,000 for the car I currently drive. It’s so much money; I just cannot think about it. I can’t let myself think about all the money we’ve already spent either. I’m still having bad days. More good than bad, so I feel like that’s a good place to be going. Right now I don’t know if I consider myself “happy” or not. Some days I feel like I could be happy. But the happiness feels pretty empty. I think maybe I’m just more “neutral” rather than truly happy. Not feeling sad seems to be the new happy. Part of me wants to just give up and start trying to figure out how to have a life without children. When I hear people complain about how tired they are because their kids are doing whatever I have found myself thinking, “I can sleep whenever I want. I can go to the store whenever I want. I can do whatever I want.” When people complain about how much their children are costing them, I’ve been thinking: “I can spend all of my money on me for the rest of my life. I can travel, buy nice things, and have nice clothing. After we pay off all this tremendous debt of course…” But then I’ll hear a child laugh or say something cute. I’ll see a family filming their baby dancing or bouncing a toddler on their lap. And I’ll think, “I’ll never know what that is like. I’ll never be a mom and have that relationship. I’ll never be proud of my child for making the right decision. I’ll never get to worry about where they are late at night.” And then I’ll start the cycling of, “All of my babies died before I even got to know their gender.” Every time that cycle starts, I feel like I have to start over. This is an endless, all-consuming process. There are not many minutes in the day when I am not thinking or knowing that I am infertile. Many moons ago we used to refer to people with disabilities as “suffering from” some ailment. A person might be “suffering from diabetes.” Then it became politically incorrect to use this language. It made these people feel victimized. So we changed our language to a person “is diabetic.” Then that too fell out of fashion because the person wasn’t a person. They were their condition. Now we say a “person has diabetes.” I am totally in favor of person first language. However, there are some days (let’s be honest…most days) I AM SUFFERING from infertility. There are most days where I AM INFERTILE. To say that I am a person with infertility really seems to diminish what feels like is happening. It makes it sound like I’m a perfectly fine person walking around who happens to be infertile. But the experience of infertility does not feel that way when you’re living it. In the throes of infertility, I am eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, peeing, infertility. It literally feels like there is no escaping it. I really have no idea where I’m going with this post. After re-reading it, it seems rambling and has no real direction or point. But, that kind of feels exactly like my life right now. So, it is what it is. We will supposedly get updates once our donor starts her medications. I keep checking my patient portal multiple times per day hoping for some news. But, I know that her egg retrieval won’t be until sometime in May. Until then the days will be endless. “If you could hear the insane stuff going on in my head, it would scare the hell out of you. Probably. Or fascinate you. Depends on how easily you’re started, I guess.” – Jenny Lawson 4/10/2017 0 Comments Stuck in the waiting game...Things have been kind of slow over the past few days. I feel like I’m living two lives or someone else’s life or something. Sometimes I have to actually say to myself, “This is your life” to remind myself this is all real. It’s a very surreal feeling to know that I will never have my own biological child. Sometimes I feel like we’ve stopped trying altogether and I have to actually remind myself we are still moving forward with donor eggs. I can’t seem to let myself think that I’ll ever have a child. My thoughts are very flighty today so this could be a very incoherent blog post.
We mailed Matt’s sperm off and they made it safe and sound. The lab person said it would be great to get 2 or 3 vials and, of course, we got 5 vials because Matt has Jim Bob Duggar sperm. So now that’s all taken care of and we don’t have to worry about that piece anymore. We have tentatively been matched with another donor. I still can’t let my hopes get up until we have embryos. Even then, I’m not sure I’ll be able to have any hope. So we are just waiting around until our donor starts her period to figure out the specific details. This donor has already cycled before and the recipient had a positive outcome so that is great to know. She also doesn’t have to go through the vetting since she’s already cycled before. We should get our new contract tomorrow and we can make our deposit and sign everything so that it’s all official. Last week, we had a couple’s counseling appointment to talk about the ins and outs of being a donor egg recipient. It was extremely informative. I highly recommend anyone doing adoption or donation take advantage of that even if your clinic doesn’t require it. I had no clue there were so many children’s books about IVF, egg/sperm/embryo adoption and adoption. Part of the appointment was exciting thinking about reading these books to a little one. I had to remind myself that I’m not pregnant yet. We also took advantage of some time off work to have early anniversary pictures made. At our wedding we did a wine box ceremony where we put love letters we had written and a bottle of wine together. We planned to open it on our fifth wedding anniversary. Well...it’s not quite our 4th anniversary yet, but it seemed like a good time to re-kindle our love. It was so much fun getting dressed up and having someone take our pictures. We got to enjoy a really tasty bottle of wine and read our love letters. It was surreal to read them. It seemed like another life time ago that they had been written. It was really cool to have that experience. We are writing new letters and put a new bottle of wine in our box to open sometime in the future. I’m really glad we have this tradition. I needed to remember our life before infertility, because it seems like it was so long ago. We’ve spent over half our marriage trying to have a baby. That’s pretty crazy to wrap my mind around. I’m really glad we dated for so long prior to being married. I have to have some more blood work done because it’s been just about a year since some of it was completed, so it’s no longer considered usable. It’s crazy to think we’ve been at this for a year with medical help. I think a year ago I thought I’d get a couple rounds of Clomid –tops—and finally be pregnant. Nope…not how it works…Not for me anyway. So I called our old clinic to schedule my blood work. I felt like I was calling a boyfriend and he broke up with me. They want me to just go straight to the lab to have it done instead of coming to them. I don’t really understand why. I probably should’ve just asked. But it was super awkward. I wonder if they’ll refer me to a regular OB/GYN when it comes time for my ultrasounds…So tomorrow some strangers will be taking my blood and I’ll just have to hope that they get my results to my new clinic in a timely fashion. I feel like I’m in such a stagnant place because there’s really nothing I can do. I always feel so much more in control when I’m taking medications or prepping or doing something. There’s literally nothing I can do except wait. I feel so frozen in the waiting. I feel like I’m just barely able to go through the motions. “Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” Mandy Hale 4/4/2017 0 Comments Back to the drawing boardYou know how when you’re hungry, but you don’t really like any of the food in your kitchen so you keep checking the cabinets and fridge over and over like there might be something different the next time you look? Or is that just me? Well that’s how I’ve been over the last few days looking at the donor pool. I keep looking at our donor over and over, reading her profile over and over, and scrolling through the other options wondering if we made the right choice... Impatiently waiting on an update… Well today I got an -- earlier than expected – update. Unfortunately, our donor has been disqualified due to bad results on her lab work. They don’t/can’t say what the bad news was other than she was disqualified and can no longer be a donor. So, somewhere out there I assume there’s a young woman getting devastating news that she is going to struggle and/or find it impossible to have her own children and a couple who is almost equally devastated that our perfect donor isn’t perfect after all. My first thought was, “FUCK. REALLY?” My second thought was, “Did I really expect this to go smoothly?” No. Of course things aren’t going to go smoothly. If ever someone could say the universe was sending signs that things aren’t meant to be this whole process seems to be a really loud signal.
Honestly, when I saw the message I was mostly just irritated I hadn’t seen it earlier in the day. This far in the game, I’m not getting too attached to any idea that something will work out positively. I’m glad I didn’t get too excited or attached to her. But, I really don’t like many of the other donors. But it is what it is. So back to the drawing board. Even though we had a list of other donors, I already didn’t like the order we had them listed. One person I really liked is two years older than me. Everything I’ve read online says it is best to go with a donor in their early 20s. So I crossed off my second favorite because I don’t have too many more $10,000+ to gamble on. The next person on our list Matt really liked, but I really can’t bring myself to like her. That sounds terrible, but she just isn’t doing it for me. One of my least favorite of our selection has already cycled. She’s young, has her own kid, and the previous donor recipient got pregnant from her eggs. I feel very drawn towards that. And she’s short, cute, and brunette. I’m just not terribly drawn to her responses to her questionnaire. After looking at the profile of our next choice I just couldn’t bring myself to like her anymore. It’s really weird how picky you can get. Beggars can be choosers, apparently. Then there was our last choice. She’s cute, young, short, and a red-head and she’s cycled before but only for a banked egg cycle so I don’t know what the outcome of her eggs were. So, somehow the bottom two on our list became our top two choices. Our third choice was the one Matt liked, but I wasn’t crazy about. Unfortunately, CNY closes at 4 so by the time Matt and I agreed on our choices they were pretty much closed. We will likely have to wait several more days to find out which one agrees to cycle ASAP. So here we are…back at square one on this whole donor thing. What feels like an endless process is only taking longer than anticipated. “Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother’s wombs and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.” – Lemony Snicket |
Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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