6/28/2017 0 Comments FET coming soon!I had my additional follow up appointment today. I have been SO nervous all week. On Monday, I was convinced I had ovulated. I was a total wreck yesterday. In addition to all of this stress my garage door is now broken. Because …when it rains …it pours. I was convinced that it was a bad omen for my appointment this morning.
I overslept my alarm this morning and was in desperate need for a shower. I rushed and showered, threw my hair in a ponytail, and ran out the door. I got to the doctor’s office and it was my favorite doctor doing the monitoring. He told me my lining was 7.6mm. I immediately made a sound of disapproval. He asked me what thickness CNY was looking for. When I told him it was 8mm, he measured my lining in a few places to get a better average. With the average, my measurement was only 7.5mm! UGH. I felt so horrible. At least I didn’t ovulate. Dr. Williams politely put his two cents in and said he would proceed with the transfer at that measurement. When the nurse was drawing my blood one of my two good veins was still bruised from last time. Then she blew my other vein. She examined both my arms looking for another vein. She decided to go through the back of my hand. She had to gouge me half to death to get the blood to start coming out. I paid my $372 for my visit and left. Normally, CNY calls me between 9 and 11. I waited and waited. I had my therapy appointment at 11. I did everything I could do kill time. I was worried they call during my therapy appointment. My therapist had me keep my phone on, but no call was received. When I left his office, I immediately sent a portal message to my CNY nurse to see what was going on. An hour later she told me they hadn’t received my results. UGH. I called my local clinic and they said they had sent them, but they would send again. An hour later CNY told me that they still hadn’t got my records. UGH. Meanwhile during all of this I was waiting for the people to come and fix my garage door. It turns out my garage door couldn’t be fixed today. I felt slightly scammed by the first group that came to look at it and had to call another place. I felt so frazzled calling the garage door people, checking my portal, and waiting for phone calls. Another hour passes and the nurse gave me a different fax number to use. Just before CNY closed I got the call I’d been waiting ALL DAY for. They were going to proceed with my transfer!!! Next week I am heading to my friend’s house on the fourth of July. I really hope traffic isn’t crazy. On the 5th we will ride up together and I’ll have my transfer on the 6th! It feels so surreal that this is happening. It feels like some sort of weird race against the odds. I have to beat the statistics. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed by all the medications. I’m currently taking six medications. Some twice a day, some once a day, and some three times a day. Saturday I’m adding in 2 more medications, Sunday I’ll add another medication, and then on Tuesday I’ll add in one more medication. I am so nervous about messing those up. I am so extremely overwhelmed by the thought of doing the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots by myself. I don’t know how I’m going to figure that out, but I need to ASAP. I’m so nervous. It really just doesn’t feel real. It’s so soon, but feels so far away. This whole process is so indescribably stressful and unreal. I feel like sometimes I have to remind myself this is my life and not some nightmare I’m trapped in. But I’m going to hold out hope. This absolutely has to work. “That’s the trouble with hope. It’s hard to resist.” –Doctor Who
0 Comments
6/23/2017 0 Comments Monitoring UpdateLast Friday, I went in for my baseline appointment. This is where they look at your endometrial lining and take a bunch of blood. Everything looked good except my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was borderline. That was kind of scary to hear. So…I had to wait all the way until today to see how my lining was doing. If my lining was 8mm or more I could have my transfer next week. Spoiler. My body is a constant source of disappointment. I guess it’s no surprise that now that my body is in charge of this ride we have some setbacks. I’ve honestly been feeling so (cautiously) positive and happy this last week it was a bit of a let-down when Dr. Bateman told me my lining was only 7mm today. I was really feeling so good about everything. But it was a good reminder that nothing is certain in this game.
So, I had to wait FOREVER to hear back from my clinic. Because the Charlottesville clinic is only doing monitoring they can’t comment on what things will happen next. There is nothing more paralyzing than waiting for the doctor to call with news you really don’t want to hear. I immediately reached out to my favorite ladies in the egg donor support group. Based on their experiences I was expecting to have to wait until next Friday for another ultrasound to measure my lining. So I waited (and waited) for what felt like forever and around 11:00 the nurse finally called back. She told me I will need to come in next Wednesday for another look. IF things look good next week then I can go in for my transfer during the week of July 4th. This was initially the week I was estimating my transfer to be anyway. So, while it was really disappointing I know it’s not really the end of the world. But, this waiting game is for the birds. I am so incredibly lucky to have not one, but two friends offer to come with me to Syracuse. Unfortunately neither one of their schedules match up with my new transfer date. But, I am a lucky woman to have many, many fantastic friends. I was able to quickly find another friend willing to go on a spontaneous, 6-hour long road trip. I keep trying to be conscious of feeling my feelings. I really don’t know what kind of feelings I’m having. I’m nervous. It hadn’t really occurred to me that maybe my lining won’t be ready this month. There was a lady in the support group that shared her lining actually shrank at her third visit and her cycle may be cancelled. That never crossed my mind as an option. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed that my body keeps failing me. Screw that. I’m angry. According to my therapist, I don’t acknowledge my anger and I tend to neuter it. So, I’m acknowledging it. I’m angry that my body doesn’t cooperate. I’m angry that I have to wait another week. I’m angry that I have to even go through all of this to begin with when getting pregnant is so easy for most women. I’m angry that I have paid $900 for blood work and ultrasounds in the last week and I have to pay for another day of monitoring. I’m angry that my entire summer is revolving around fertility treatments (again). I’m also hopeful. I still have a flicker of hope somewhere deep down that this is going to be our month. I can’t quite fully embrace this hope just yet. I’m also angry that I can’t quite fully embrace this hope. I guess those are my top feelings. I’m sure there’s some more in there my therapist could squeeze out. As far as my new medications go, these are definitely my favorite round of medications. I’m taking Low Dose Naltrexone, Prednisone (2 times a day), estrace (initially 2 times a day but now 3 times a day), baby aspirin, vitamin D, and a prenatal. I also did a Z Pack, but that was only a few days. I was so worried about the prednisone keeping me awake for days. But, the LDN seems to balance it out. The first few days I had the best sleep I’ve ever had (minus same majorly weird dreams). However, the last three nights I have been wired at night. I’m not sure if this is the prednisone, my nerves, or general summer sleep dysfunction. Regardless, I feel so good! My mood is so much better, my hip and neck pain are totally nonexistent. I have energy to do things and I’ve lost 3 pounds since starting the meds! I can honestly say I’ve never had these side effects from fertility drugs before. I suppose one perk of having my transfer pushed back a week is having another week to mentally prepare myself to administer my own PIO shots. Still terrified of that! It’s such a weird feeling to know I have 6 little baby popsicles. Even though they only have a few cells, I feel like they are all my little babies. There is absolutely no way to describe what it is like to go to bed at night thinking about my babies in a freezer just waiting for me to bring them home. I keep wondering how many are boys and how many are girls. If we had the money for PGS testing we could know. I’m dying to see pictures of them. I know I’ll only see pictures of the one(s) transferred. What will we do with the ones left over if we get lucky the first time? It’s nice to be able to think we could hypothetically have two children that would be full siblings. At least we have enough embryos for that to be a dream for now anyway. So, to my little babies: “You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.” – e.e. cummings 6/15/2017 0 Comments FANTASTIC NEWS from SyracuseFor the first time in over two years of trying to build our family, I feel like I’m FINALLY getting fantastic news! Our clinic doesn’t do a 3 day embryo update unless you contact them. I called. The lady’s voice on the pre-recorded call greeting is so calming it’s as if they got Sigourney Weaver herself to record it. Naturally, there really wasn’t a line to dial to go where I felt like I needed to go. Instead of being on hold and transferred 32 times I thought I would send a portal message (the messaging system they use for quick communication). I sent embryology a portal message and my nurse (just in case she knew something faster). My nurse responded quickly and said the embryology team would respond, but if they didn’t to let her know. This was approximately 8:00am. Around noon I was getting SO nervous. I totally convinced myself that they weren’t contacting me because it was all over and none survived. At 2:00 still no call. So I sent my nurse a portal message to let her know. An hour-ish later they finally called!! The lady told me 4 looked really good and 2 looked fair. I thought 4 would be fantastic!!! Then I thought…will all four make it to Wednesday? Then I realized the lady was still talking. No clue what she had said while I tuned out. When I turned back in I heard her say, “I wouldn’t count the other two out yet.” My mind immediately went to, “SIX!!! ALL SIX COULD MAKE IT!” Then My mind went to, “Damn it lady. Why are you getting my hopes up?” She said some more things but I really don’t remember what.
So…Now I just had to make it to Wednesday. Tuesday morning I had a massage. It was so energizing! I went on a mission to find some good cat toys because our cats have been totally out of control since my husband left for Switzerland. My cat Maxwell has been religiously waking me up around 3:30am and 5:30am. He’s been a real cat from Hell destroying the carpet and not listening to me. So I'm hoping new toys will calm him down. I went to Wal-Mart, but they had no good cat toys! Total disappointment. But, I found this really nice patio furniture set. I decided (after much deliberation and searching all over town to make sure it was the best deal) that I had to have it. I got it home and (tried to) put it together. My dad always buys stuff when he’s stressed out. Apparently, I am my father’s daughter. But, at least it wasn’t a boat. AND it was a great time killer even if I did only manage to get one chair put together. I found it to be a great distraction and now I have a nice chair to read on the porch. I was so elated at one point I had to call one of my psychologist friends and make sure I wasn’t manic. He politely told me he thought I was just happy and in a good mood. It has been SO long since I’ve been in a genuinely good mood, I literally thought I was going crazy! Wednesday. The final day. Around 8 or 9 in the morning I got two portal messages.One from embryology and one from my nurse. We had 4 frozen embryos!!!! To end up with 4 embryos is a true scientific miracle. They expect about 70% of the eggs to fertilize and about 50% of the embryos to make it to blastocyst. So to get 4 embryos out of 6 eggs is amazing. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. The other two were still kicking so they were going to let them go one more day to see if they reached the blastocyst stage. Even if the other two don’t make it, I had 4 embryos!! I was getting ready to go to town for my weekly therapy appointment. I felt a weird sensation in my belly and thought, “I think I’m going to start my period soon, but it's not due until Friday or Saturday.” But I felt more movements and decided I should check out the situation. I STARTED MY PERIOD! I have never been so happy to start my period. So, I then had to alert all the authorities. I got my orders from CNY for my blood work and ultrasound and called my local clinic to let them know I needed an appointment. They told me to come in a 8:00am on Friday. Then I went to therapy and out searching for cat toys. It turns out Target is the place to go for cheap cat toys! Score! I bought enough cat toys to make Jackson Galaxy proud and when I got home the cats were more than pleased. Maxwell even let me sleep through the night! Thursday. Because of my period starting yesterday, I had THE WORST headache. I couldn’t even listen to the TV let alone look at a screen. This is a new thing that seems to have developed over the last few months. I woke up really early this morning because I went to bed so early last night. I logged into my portal like it’s my work e-mail and refreshed it every half hour. I got my final report. I had to read it approximately 56 times before it sank in. We have SIX little Han Solo’s!!!! All six of our embryos made it to freeze! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I seriously was hoping like Hell that we would get three. But all six of our little maybe-babies made it. I am finally feeling really positive that this could REALLY work for us. So next steps. I will not be the next Octomom. We are only going to transfer (Note: the proper terminology is transfer and not implant. Implantation cannot be controlled. It has to happen on its own) one embryo at a time because of my age. If it doesn’t stick the first time I might consider and talk to the doctor about doing two the second transfer. Assuming my body responds to the medications and does what it is supposed to do and I have no cysts (UGH that is a whole lot of assuming), I should have my transfer in 20ish days give or a take a few days. This is all such good timing. If my ectopic pregnancy had been viable I would’ve delivered my baby during June. Likely even during this week. So it is all very bittersweet to think about. This whole journey I have not really felt like anything was going to work. But, I really feel like this is our time. I think it could finally be my turn. I saw this sign at Homegoods yesterday while killing time and bought it to put on our mantle. It seemed all too fitting. “A calm sea never made a skilled sailor.” 6/10/2017 0 Comments Good News from Syracuse!I don’t even know how long it’s been since my last blog! It seems like FOREVER. I’m pretty sure I’ve been in a fugue state the last week or so just trying to get to today. My husband left for Switzerland last week and won’t be back until August 15th. This past week has gone by so, unbelievably slowly!
Our donor had her egg retrieval yesterday. The way the egg donor program works at CNY is that you get six eggs. It’s really not a whole lot to work with, but it’s so much cheaper than most other programs. Plus, I like that you are guaranteed six eggs. If you get a donor that has an off month or doesn’t respond for some reason and you don’t get many eggs, that would be unbearable at the normal price tag of $30,000+. So, I got word that we did get our six eggs out yesterday. Last night, I was a bit of a wreck. I kept thinking it wouldn’t be totally unheard of for none of the eggs to fertilize. Typically, you can expect that 70% of the eggs fertilize. Then about 30-50% of those will actually make it to freeze. I’m pretty sure I mentally walked through all scenarios last night. I woke up so early this morning to make sure that I didn’t miss the call from the doctor’s office. I was SO nervous! I reached out to my support group and it seemed most people had got their calls around noon-ish. So, I turned on the new season of Orange is the New Black and settled into the couch to try and pass time to wait for my call. Surprisingly, at 8:30 I got a call from them. I was so nervous. My heart was racing. What if she had terrible news to deliver? What if she had great news to deliver? I tried figuring out how her voice sounded. Did she sound like she was about to give bad news? Or good news? I really couldn’t tell. I felt like it was taking forever for her to tell me how many eggs fertilized. She introduced herself. Asked if it was a good time to talk. COME ON ALREADY AND TELL ME. Then she confirmed that we were doing a freeze all. FINALLY. She said ALL SIX of our eggs were fertilized!!!!! This is literally the best outcome we could’ve asked for. I was getting so nervous that we used frozen sperm. I kept thinking maybe we shouldn’t have mailed the sperm in. Maybe we should’ve used fresh sperm. But it didn’t seem to matter because all six of our eggs have been fertilized. This is literally the best news we’ve had on our entire journey. I’m really, really hoping for 3 embryos to freeze. Four would be incredible. I’m feeling really optimistic that we will have at least two. They told me they won’t call me for a 3 day update, but I am welcome to call and ask for one. Then, on Wednesday or Thursday they will freeze the embryos – depending on how they look. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how I’m going to keep track of all the transfer medications. I have no clue how I’m going to physically or mentally get over the hurdle of giving myself PIO shots. That is going to be awful. I hope that I can figure out how to do it with minimal pain. So now, we are waiting again. This process involves so much waiting. It’s unbearable. I really, really hope that we get good news on Monday and, most importantly, on freeze day! Until then, I’ll be watching a disgusting amount of TV. Orange is the New Black had a very fitting quote for today: “We are so fucking resilient even when we don’t want to be.” – Judy King. |
Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
Categories |