7/31/2017 0 Comments Time Lord StatusWhew! I literally don’t know where to start. My therapist would probably ask me to examine what caused my procrastination behaviors--maybe later. A lot has happened since my last update. Last Monday I had my first ever ultrasound. Well my first ever OB ultrasound! I couldn’t even count how many ultrasounds I've had at this point. I’ve been wavering back and forth between “Throw caution to the wind” and “This isn’t real and isn’t going to work.” So far I’ve mostly been leaning towards, “Throw caution to the wind.”
I swore I wouldn’t buy any baby things until I knew for sure there was a baby in there. But, Sunday before my ultrasound someone posted an Amazon deal in the pregnancy after infertility support group I’ve recently joined. It was a beautiful crib for $75!!! It was even the color I wanted. I love a good deal so there was no way I was passing that up. I sent it to Matt and he liked it too, so I bought it! I didn’t even think about it. Well, I did think about it a little bit. It’s one of those cribs that can convert to a full size bed. I did have the thought of, “Well if this doesn’t work out we will have a headboard and footboard for our guest bed.” But I still felt good about it. Then a few hours later I saw a stroller on a yard sale page for FREE! My favorite price. I was the first to inquire about it. It felt like it was meant to be. I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night and then I woke up really early. I had to wait for my appointment at 10:30. It felt so late. I was so panicky I really thought I would puke before or during my appointment. I was a wreck. Matt was able to participate via Facebook video chat. The doctor kept the monitor turned towards him for what felt like forever. Then he finally turned the screen around and I could see our little black dot. He told us everything looked great and that the yolk sac was very well developed for it to be so early. That was such great news!! I kept looking at my ultrasound picture all day. It just didn’t feel real. One pain of having to deal with two clinics is that I have to wait for CNY to call with my blood work results. I kept waiting and waiting. I was calling and calling. Then I realized there had been an awful storm in Syracuse and they didn’t have access to phone or internet all day! WHHAATT!? So I had to wait until the next day to get my results back. I had to wait until almost NOON because they had never received my results and it took them forever to get them. Naturally no one in Charlottesville would answer the phone or return my voicemails. I’m not joking when I say I called every 15 minutes between 8:05 and 9:00. Then CNY started calling at 9:00 for me. It was irritating. I did not get good news. My Thyroid officially crossed into the bad zone at 3.63 and my estrogen dropped below 200 (what they like to see) to 171. AHHH. I was panicking to say the least. I felt so mad because I missed a whole day of getting more estrogen and synthroid into my body. The nurse did say that it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t at risk of losing the pregnancy. For some reason hearing her utter those words made me nervous about losing the pregnancy. Unfortunately, I did have a day of “google all the things.” I found nothing good. No more googling. So, if I had to examine my blog procrastinating I think I was very fearful of sharing this information. Something about the idea of sharing it made it seem so much more real and scary. I just want to enjoy being pregnant. I’ve actually been managing my fear and anxiety around losing the pregnancy much better than I anticipated (Thank God all those hundreds of dollars on therapy seem to be worth it!). I do check the toilet contents thoroughly to make sure there’s no blood, but other than that I’m not running to the bathroom every time I feel moisture or cramping. I also managed to buy some little onsies from etsy with no fear! All week my pregnancy symptoms keep coming and going. It makes me unbelievably nervous. I think I would feel so much better if I was puking all the time. I haven’t really been sick-sick, but I have had very little appetite. I’m tired and I pee a lot. I’ve had headaches off and on. That’s pretty much it. One day my scalp hurt SO bad. It literally felt like someone poured acid on half my scalp. Everything hurt -- wearing my hair in a ponytail, touching my hair, laying on that side. Everything was excruciating. I had never heard of this symptom before, but apparently it’s fairly common. I am glad that didn’t last. I know I should be grateful and many women would love to have limited symptoms, but it just feels more real when I’m sick. Last night I slept mostly through the night minus having to pee twice and then kick my cat out for getting into trouble. I didn’t feel like I was going to have a full blown panic attack this time. I felt remarkably calm—all things considered. Matt was able to participate via video chat again. We had the good doctor this time so he was much more considerate and didn’t leave us hanging. He let us see the monitor from the get go. I could see my little black dot turned into a full-blown nugget right away! It was so cool to see it. I could not believe how much little strawberry had grown! And without a moment’s hesitation the doctor pointed out the heartbeat! It was absolutely unbelievable to see it flicker. I also didn’t realize you could see the heartbeat and not hear it. I’m glad a friend told me that beforehand. He showed us the fetal pole and took all the measurements. Everything was right where it needed to be. Then he checked my ovaries and looked for signs of an ectopic pregnancy. It’s crazy how much they have to look for. Everyone keeps asking if I cried. I haven’t cried yet. But I was certainly grinning. My therapist keeps asking me what kinds of emotions am I having, where do I feel them, how do they feel. It’s so hard to describe. I feel like I’m grinning like a chimpanzee. I’m elated. I’m in disbelief. It feels like a dream I don’t want to wake up from. I can’t wait for it to really feel real. I was in my therapy appointment when CNY finally called (naturally). So, I didn’t get to ask them any questions. But my thyroid levels are going down and my estrogen skyrocketed to over 1000! It’s crazy how much estrogen fluctuates. Everything else looked great too. I’m hoping to be weaned off of some of these medications soon! I definitely can’t wait to stop the progesterone shots and suppositories. At this point, I’m not even sure which ones are the worst! I still have a few more weeks of those though. I really do dislike the term “miracle baby.” I feel like that leaves some sort of stigma on the women who don’t get theirs. Babies are miracles for sure. But, I feel like “miracle” makes it sound like those who get one somehow deserve it more than a woman who doesn’t. I don’t feel that way at all. No one deserves to not have a baby --especially when they've worked so hard. It’s pure luck. So many things have to go right and you just have to be in the right spot at the right time. I still can’t believe we got all 6 of our eggs to not only fertilize but we got them to good blastocysts and then we got pregnant on the first transfer. I’ve seen so many women use donor eggs and get nothing or only one or two fair blastocysts or three day embryos. Today I saw a woman only get two fair embryos with donor eggs and donor sperm. It’s all just a game of luck and patience. None of it is fair. I feel like our baby is a magical science baby instead of a miracle baby. This baby is a product of good science and determination. We have spent close to $40,000. It’s a shame when some people’s money runs out before their patience. That could have easily been us. It makes me so angry none of this is covered by insurance for most people. But, with all that being said, today’s quote is my favorite Doctor Who quote (since I’m now officially a Time Lord and all with my two heartbeats). “The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes very rarely impossible things happen and we call them miracles.” I love my new little companion all the way to Gallifrey and back.
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7/18/2017 3 Comments SpoilersI haven’t done a blog update during my two week wait because I was afraid I’d give myself away too early. On Monday night, I was 4 days past my transfer and suddenly I did not feel very well. I got a little excited. I had been having some intermittent cramping and was trying not to read too much into it. But on Tuesday (5 days past transfer) I was SICK. I had a headache and I felt like garbage. I was so tired. I was SO excited. I even disclosed to my therapist that I felt sick, but what if it was all in my head?! He laughed a little… He said I looked so much better than he had seen me ever and that I was glowing. GLOWING?! Why would he choose that word? Now I was excited. I decided I could not take it anymore and I was going to test the next morning. I woke up at 4am. Did I mention I had also been having weird dreams and peeing ALL THE TIME? I decided I better pee on a stick then because it was my first morning urine (FMU) and I shouldn’t waste it. So I opened up a stick and peed on it. I sat there waiting. Nothing. Nothing. Not even a control line! WHAT?! How is it the one test I use is broken?!?! I waited forever. Peed on it some more. Nothing. I thought, “Okay universe. I hear you. I shouldn’t test this early.” I threw it in the trash and went back to bed. I kept tossing and turning. I know I’m pregnant. I went back in the bathroom dug the stick out of the trash and nothing. UGH. BROKEN STICK. So then I went back to bed. Tossed and turned. Tossed and turned. Finally, I convinced myself I could still pee and went back for round two. There on top of the trashcan was a pretty, positive two lined pee stick. I about fell over. I know you aren’t supposed to read them after a certain amount of time, but I have never had two lines on days old pee sticks. So, I decided I better do another one anyway – just to be safe. Immediately two lines popped up! I could not believe it. I took pictures and sent them to Matt right away. I couldn’t believe it. But I could because I FELT pregnant. But then I had to wait for my blood test. I had to go in that morning for a progesterone and estrogen check. I emailed my nurse and told her I had a positive HPT (home pregnancy test) and asked if I could move my first Beta (HCG blood work aka pregnancy test) to Friday. She said YES!
Friday I went in for my first beta. Naturally, the machine that reads the blood work was messed up so I had to wait ALL day for my first result. From what I hear, normal pregnant people go in and have ONE blood test that says yes or no and they get the results right away. But, for infertile people we have to wait, wait, wait. Because they are doing the testing so early they do a quantitative beta instead of a qualitative beta. So we get to see how much HCG is in our blood. I went in to have my blood drawn. Everyone has been so rude to me in my local clinic since I switched to Syracuse. The nurse who is the worst at drawing my blood ALWAYS knows to go in my left arm because I have nothing in my right arm. But she strapped me up on the right side. Instantly I said, can you do my left arm? There’s nothing in there. She basically she already strapped my arm up and she could find something. SHE IS THE WORST at finding the good veins. So she sticks me. Pokes me, gouges me. Nothing. She left the needle hanging out of my arm and went for another nurse. The other nurse comes in and gouges me some more and finally hit the vein. When she plugged the tube in…..NOTHING. UGH. She switched to my left arm and hit a good vein on the first try. That was super annoying. I told her I had a positive home pregnancy test and she said, “Well you said they were trying different stuff with you. It must have worked.” REALLY?! No congratulations or nothing?! I also mentioned I had been spotting that morning and the nurse said, “Well we will say an extra prayer for you.” She didn’t ask what it looked like or nothing. Then I described what it looked like and she said, “Oh well, that’s probably just from the Endometrin.” Are you kidding me?!? I could not believe how rude they were…. So I waited impatiently for my results… My first beta was an 88!!!! It really doesn’t matter what the first number is, it just matters if that number doubles. But I was happy with that! I was expecting closer to 50 given I was only 8 days past transfer. They expect it to double every 48-72 hours. Saturday felt like it took a million years. I decided I would go to the store on Sunday to kill some time. I wasn’t feeling particularly pregnant (the sickness has subsided). For the first few days, I could only eat string cheese and strawberries. It was literally the only thing I wanted to eat. So, I’ve been referring to baby as “my little strawberry.” And yes, I’ve already been talking to the little strawberry. On the way to the store, I decided it was an Elton John kind of day and put on some Elton. Now I won’t lie. There’s a fairly lengthy list of Elton John songs that make me cry. But, I have never cried to “Your Song.” Until Sunday anyway… I outright sobbed! I couldn’t control it. Then I started laughing hysterically because I realized how ridiculous I must’ve looked! I’m sure I was quite the scene. So I now feel like little strawberry and I already have a song. During this whole ordeal, I’ve never felt terribly optimistic. But now, I’m suddenly filled with hope and optimism which is very scary considering at any point this could all be over. I’ve had people say I shouldn’t share my pregnancy so early with the implication that it could end at any moment. I am aware of that fact. But, I’ve been trying for 2 and a half years to be pregnant and I want to fully embrace it. I want to enjoy being pregnant for as long as I am pregnant. Because even if my pregnancy had ended the second day, I am so grateful to be pregnant. Even if it doesn’t last. I have been happier these last few days than I have been in so long. I have loved this baby since before he or she was ever conceived and the moment I saw those two pink lines, I couldn’t have loved my baby more. No matter what point you lose a pregnancy you experience a great loss. It makes me so angry that women aren’t “supposed” to share this loss with anyone. After I got back from the store, I put our little embryo picture in a picture frame with the Albert Einstein quote that says, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I’ve had this picture frame forever and always imagined I would put our first ultrasound picture in it. Then I got out all my needles and medicines and made a heart with it. It was so overwhelming to see how many shots I’ve taken. And, it doesn’t even count the next 60 to 100 progesterone shots I will be taking. So yesterday, I had beta number 2. I asked this time how long I would have to wait for the results and she said it would likely be in the afternoon. Luckily, around 10:00 they called. It was a 323!!!!! I could not believe it!!! I was expecting to have to go back Wednesday for another, but my numbers went up so much they said I didn’t have to. Everything else looks good too. Now I’m going back Monday for more blood work and my very first ultrasound!!! I am SO nervous. And I thought the two week wait was bad… “I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.” – Elton John, Your Song 7/7/2017 0 Comments 1000 MilesI have traveled roughly 1000 miles in the last 4 days. I am utterly exhausted! This blog may be slightly incoherent due to sleep deprivation. On July 4th (Yup…I traveled on a holiday), I began my journey to Syracuse. I left to go to my friend Heather’s house (TWO HEATHERS!) This trip was basically an 80s movie minus all the mean girl drama. No …not really… Nothing like an 80s movie. Maybe more like an independent documentary film with shaky cameras and A LOT of in the car filming. So…anyway… I drove to Heather’s house on the fourth of July. Shockingly, there was really no traffic. We had a splendid 4th of July adventure. We went to watch fireworks and just as we left the car to walk towards the bridge to watch the fireworks, a torrential downpour started. We ran back to the car hoping the rain would pass. The city was still going on with the show, so we ventured back out to see the fireworks. The rain did die down, but it we were still soaking wet. I actually don’t mind being in the pouring rain. I was wearing my trusty Chaco’s. Wearing my Chaco’s in the pouring rain takes me back to my camp counselor days. Any time that can evoke memories of my camp days is a good time. And wearing Chaco’s in the pouring rain while watching fireworks definitely did that for me. We were laughing and drenched. It was a great way to start our trip! We got back to the house, showered, and went to bed.
We got up the next morning and let the DC area traffic die down before we got on the road. It was a long drive. We left Virginia and went through West Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania and then FINALLY New York. I honestly thought we would never get out of Pennsylvania. We spent 232 miles in that state. One thing that was neat was the scenery never really changed. Pennsylvania was a dead state in terms of radio station options. Mostly preacher stations, Christian Rock, and Gospel. It was a long 232 miles. We did find a few good stations here and there and heard some songs we hadn’t heard in quite some time. Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic came on and we both sang along. Listening to and singing this song, I had some kind of surreal experience. I kept thinking to myself, “How the hell did I get here?” Did I really mail my husband’s sperm to this clinic, buy some unknown woman’s eggs, and now I’m really going to have this embryo transferred into my uterus? Who does that?! It was the first time I really recognized this situation, I think. This was a lot of work. It was a lot of determination. I started thinking about how lucky I was to have a friend who would be willing to hop in the car with me – five-year-old daughter in tow – AND volunteer to drive me 400 miles in one direction at a moment’s notice. I felt immensely grateful, as I could not have imagined doing this last task to our transfer alone. One thing I’ve discovered in therapy is that I don’t feel like I have a real family. I mean, I have my mom and dad, but I grew up far away from my mom’s side of the family and never had the chance to really get to know them, which is a shame. I am Facebook friends with some of my cousins now and I think we would’ve probably gotten along well had we had the opportunity. My dad’s side of the family isn’t really worth knowing. We don’t really communicate with them much. The cousins I did grow up with kind of drifted apart over time. Growing up, my dad’s friends were way more like my family than most of my actual family. I remember being devastated when I found out one of my dad’s best friends wasn’t actually related to us and his daughter (my best friend) wasn’t actually my cousin! I have 3 half-sisters that I don’t really know although I’ve recently reconnected with one of them and that has been nice. But, it’s not the same as growing up with a sibling and having that lifelong bond. I am so grateful to have her now. I always imagined having the “perfect” American family with 2 or 3 kids and getting to have that “real” family experience. I guess I also never felt like I had the kinds of friends that my dad has. I have definitely learned through my infertility that I have friends that are my family. That is a nice feeling to have. We got really lucky and didn’t hit too much traffic, but there was construction everywhere. It ended up taking us about 7.5 hours to make it to the hotel. We stayed at the Maplewood. I cannot say enough nice things about that hotel! It was beautiful and the staff was very friendly. They even had good pillows! I was dying to take a shower and lie down. Although I didn’t drive, I was still exhausted. I did a lot of thinking. I had my first shower with a rainfall showerhead. I have to say those showerheads are incredible. It honestly felt like some kind of religious experience. It was exactly what I needed after all the emotions I had leading to that point. We ended up going to bed at 8:30! Unfortunately, I haven’t been used to sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours at a time and ended up waking up at 2:20 and I could not go back to bed. I ended up emailing my therapist all my newly discovered thoughts around 4am (which I have a tendency to do anyway…). It’s been so nice having his support through all of this too. He is one of the most supportive and kind individuals that I know. He offered to call me this week and has emailed me every day. After laying out all my thoughts, I was finally able to go back to sleep. Although my alarm was going to go off in just over an hour by the time I finished my middle of the night monologue. Thursday morning, I got up and did my medications. I must say I suck at giving myself the PIO shots. It is so hard to do it alone. I just can’t do it well. I can’t reach around enough and I can’t poke myself fast/hard enough. I try so hard to do it fast but as soon as the needle touches my skin, it’s like I freeze. I’m sure it makes it so much more painful to have to slowly push it in with a lot of force, but I just can’t do it fast. I’ve had friends tell me not to think about it and just jab it in. But, there are SO MANY steps to prepping the shot I cannot not think about it. I’m constantly repeating the steps over and over in my head so I don’t skip one. “Open all the packs. Wash your hands. Wipe the bottle with alcohol. Check to make sure the needle is on tight. Insert air into the bottle first. Flip the bottle upside down. Make sure the needle is in the fluid. CHANGE THE BIG SCARY NEEDLE to the “little” “less scary” needle. Massage the spot. Put syringe in heating pad (This really does make a difference). Wipe the spot with alcohol. Don’t forget to take the weight off that leg. Make sure you’re doing the correct side. Pull the skin tight (Can’t do this very well). Stab yourself really fast (Can’t do this at all). Pull back on the syringe to check for blood. Rub the spot after the shot.” There’s so many steps. I’m sure I still left something out just trying to recount them. So, because I can never stab myself fast enough, it always bleeds something awful. I’m sure I look like a stuck pig. To do these shots without thinking about it, just seems impossible to me at this point. I’m not even a week in though. Hopefully, they become more automatic –except I always leave out at least one step. We will see. Heather and I were both afraid of being late so we left super early. I was so excited about my transfer day socks! I found some with Tina from Bob’s Burgers that said “Butts, Butts, Butts” all over them. I also had my lucky pineapple underwear on too! (For those that don’t know, pineapples are now becoming another symbol of infertility because eating the core is one of those old-wives’ tales people do to help with implantation). We went to the free hot breakfast in the hotel. It was awful. I will say that was the one negative thing about the hotel. There weren’t many options for my keto lifestyle. Luckily, I traveled with my own avocado or I would’ve been really hungry. We ended up getting to the CNY Fertility Center about 20 minutes early. I had no clue what to expect, but whatever it was did not match with what was there. I had kept hearing it was like a spa. It is not like a spa. It IS a spa. Literally. People were coming in for waxes, massages, acupuncture. They have yoga classes. Aromatherapy everywhere. They were selling beauty and skin products. It was weird. I checked in with the lady at the desk and told her I was having acupuncture before my transfer. She asked me if I was alone and I said yes. She asked if I had a driver and I told her yes. Then she asked if I wanted a Valium. Literally. She hadn’t even asked me my name yet. I was relieved. I was actually worried that I would have to do the transfer without one. It was very much appreciated at my last retrieval. She seemed surprised my local clinic gave Valium for transfers. She confirmed I was doing acupuncture before and after retrieval and intralipids. Then she immediately took me downstairs to the locker room. I didn’t have to wait at all! She showed me the pool they have that is shaped like a uterus! No kidding! It was wild. She showed me how to use the lockers and where the robes (Yes. Robes. Not hospital gowns. Super. Fancy. Robes.) and sandals were. I changed into my robe. I was sad that I didn’t actually get to wear my transfer socks for the transfer. I had to take my socks off for the acupuncture. I went back upstairs and the lady had me go into my room. It was not what I expected at all. It was a serene blue color from floor to ceiling. There was nice crown molding around the ceiling. There was a massage table looking bed with warm, fuzzy blankets and of course the human version of the puppy pee pad. There was also an ultrasound machine with all the attachments. What I didn’t realize until later was there were no stirrups on this bed…. The nurse came in a few minutes later. She explained that I’d be doing acupuncture, intralipids, my transfer, and then acupuncture again. She showed me the picture of my perfect little embryo. She drew some blood. She got me on the first try with no digging around! She was extremely beautiful and had an awesome Jack Skellington tattoo on her forearm. The embryologist came in and answered some of my questions. She said my embryo looked beautiful and was graded a 3AA (Very good!). The acupuncturist came in and made small talk before doing the acupuncture. He asked where my husband was. I told him he was in Switzerland as he was getting his Ph.D in physics. He asked if he was at CERN. I was shocked! He thought it was the coolest thing and asked me lots of questions I couldn’t really answer. He then noticed and stated that my right eye doesn’t open as much as my left eye. I told him I had Bell’s palsy when I was 15. We talked about Bell’s palsy a bit and he asked about my infertility. I told him my diagnosis and what we had tried so far. He told me he would suspect I have an autoimmune disorder. I suspect this as well, but it was so validating to hear someone say this. When I was a kid I was sick all the time. My joints would swell and I was tired and miserable. We saw so many doctors and they all basically told me it was in my head and there was nothing wrong with me. I have lived with chronic fatigue and chronic pain literally for as long as I can remember. I felt like no one ever took me seriously. To have known this man for mere minutes say that he thought I probably have an autoimmune disorder was quite possibly the most validating thing I could have ever heard. He put two needles in my belly, one in each thigh, and one in each foot. He also put these weird clip things on each ear. He checked my tongue and told me it looked great. My old acupuncturist was always disappointed in my tongue. I must be feeling less stressed! He left me to be relaxed for a while. He came back and removed the needles. The nurse came back in and hooked up my intralipids IV. She seamlessly hooked my IV into my veins with no problems. She told me I might have a weird taste in my mouth. She was not joking. Within a millisecond, I felt like someone stuffed my mouth full of mothballs! It was the weirdest thing!! My veins sucked down the intralipids faster than she even anticipated. She unhooked me and then the transfer was happening. The doctor came in. I had Dr. Corley. He was very nice. The nurse put a bolster under my butt. I began to realize there were no stirrups about this time… It was a very vulnerable place to be. I had to put my legs in the “butterfly” position with the bottoms of my feet together. There were FIVE people in the room watching. I honestly don’t know what’s more degrading, this position or stirrups. Both felt equally horrible, honestly. (I’m pretty sure the valium is way more for the awkward, vulnerable positions than it is for any kind of physical pain.) But, Dr. Corley was very nice. He explained every single thing he was doing before and while he was doing it. He was explaining everything on the ultrasound machine. You have to have a full bladder for this and it’s super uncomfortable having the nurse pushing on your bladder with the ultrasound. But not nearly as uncomfortable as a speculum after having had so many suppositories. I had no idea how irritated the suppositories had made my skin. I could see the catheter going in on the monitor. He was having trouble getting the catheter in. I told him this was an issue last time and he immediately changed to a stiffer catheter and that did the trick. Then they brought the embryo in to be put into the catheter. He told me to watch the screen closely as I would see a gray flash on the screen and that was the embryo going in. I saw it! I saw the flash! It was seriously the coolest thing ever. I was so emotionally overwhelmed. Everyone was talking to me and giving me good luck. I have no idea what any of them said. I remember the doctor stressing to not do home pregnancy tests and “there’s no data to support bed rest.” Other than that, I didn’t remember a single thing anyone said after they left the room. I remember the nurse saying something about going to the bathroom. But I couldn’t remember if she said to go now or wait!! It didn’t matter. I just kept staring at the picture of the embryo in my uterus. I couldn’t take my eyes off it and I started to cry a little. I wish I had had my phone to take a picture of it. The acupuncturist came back into the room and asked if I had gone to the bathroom. I hadn’t so he helped me up and to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter how much my brain knows I cannot physically pee out my embryo, it took me forever to convince my bladder to empty for fear of losing my embryo. After coaxing my pee out, I went back in for my second round of acupuncture. I don’t remember where the needles went that time. I did get the weird ear clips again, but none on my belly. The acupuncturist did tell me that I needed to eat more calories than normal and you don’t have to tell me twice to eat more! When it was over I went back downstairs and changed into my clothes. I called Heather and she came and got me. I think I was in and out in about 2 hours! I did ask if I could go to the zoo and they said that would be all right as long as I walked slow, took breaks, and didn’t walk all day. I LOVE the zoo. I am seriously like a 5 year old in a zoo. I had such a fantastic time. We got to see an elephant take a bath. A baby elephant was trying to get into some trouble with some zookeepers. We saw a penguin fight and otters chasing each other. We also saw a Tiger who seemed to be dreaming that he was chasing something. Then on our way out, we were stalked and chased by a lion through the glass – which I must admit that part was actually slightly terrifying. We made a pit stop to Harrison’s Bakery (I highly recommend) to get some cookies for my cat sitter. I did indulge and had some kind of delicious pastry and our 5-year-old companion got a cookie that was bigger than her head! Heather got a really delicious looking cannoli. After we got back to the hotel, I almost immediately passed out and took a two-hour nap. My friend and her daughter went swimming in the hotel pool. They came back just as I woke up. We played some games and went to dinner. I could not sleep again at all last night. I’m really not sure if it is my nerves, the trip, my messed up summer sleeping patterns, the Prograf or a combination. But, I cannot sleep at all. We got up early this morning and stopped at Denny’s for breakfast. We drove straight only stopping for one bathroom break and to get gas. We literally hit no traffic although we did take a slight detour because Waze tried to take us on a route toward the beltway. As soon as we realized that happened, we redirected ourselves back to Interstate 81. No way either of us wanted to go on the DC Beltway! Early in the trip, my stomach was cramping horribly. I know I’m going to be symptom spotting every little twinge and anything I make up as a possible pregnancy symptom. After we got to Heather’s house, I decided I should probably eat something even though I just wanted to keep driving. I ate very quickly. I did hit some traffic leaving Northern VA but not too bad. Overall, with the stops, my trip home was a little over 10 hours. It was a long trip, but I’m glad I had a good friend as company! It almost still doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real on the way up and it still doesn’t feel like it really happened. It’s so cliché, but it feels like a dream. I just really hope it leads to fulfilling my ultimate dream. I really hope this works. Our anniversary is Thursday and I would love to be pregnant as a late anniversary present. I’ve already calculated my due date (as I always do) and I just really want this to work. Everything about it would be so perfect. So, here I am 1dp5dt (for you lay people, that’s infertile speak for 1 day past a 5 day transfer—and if you need that further translated my embryo was 5 days old at the time of transfer). I will have my first beta test on July 17th. I think they do 3 or 4 betas a few days apart to confirm your pregnancy. I’ve never made it that far so I’m really not sure what that stage looks like. I have to go back on the 12th to have my estrogen and progesterone tested. I was pleased to learn my TSH went down after taking the LDN! I hope it keeps going down! Now to just kill 10 more days without going absolutely crazy…. “Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you And life has a funny way of helping you out” Alanis Morissette Today was a big day! (And it's only 9:30). This morning I started my daily PIO shots. I have been DREADING these. I absolutely hated them last time. The shot isn't horrible, but my butt got so sore afterwards and it felt like it never healed between shots. I felt like my butt was sore for a week after stopping the shots. So these shots were SO intimidating to me.
Last night I started watching YouTube videos of women giving themselves their PIO shots. I am immensely grateful for these women who are willing to do these things! I found one video of a woman who was on her 7th round of IVF. I cannot imagine. Even if IVF was free I'm not sure I could have done it 7 times. She said she felt like it was easier to do the PIO herself. It gave her more control over a totally out of control experience. That resonated with me because that's how I felt doing my own stimming meds. I'm also glad that I did some of my own stimming shots because that was easy practice compared to the PIO. So, after watching many videos I decided it would be a good idea to draw the quarters on my butt so that I knew where to do the shot. I have the WORST visual-spatial skills and drawing on myself with a mirror was pretty difficult. I'm sure it was a sight to witness. I used a blue Sharpie marker and quartered off my butt and made the triangle area that was good to go for. But I had no idea if I was in the right spot so I took a picture and sent it to a nurse friend. She confirmed it looked like the right area. I was feeling pretty good about it. Later I went to the bathroom and realized there was a blue mark on the toilet seat. I was like, "Hmm..that's weird." Then a few hours later I went back to the bathroom and there was another blue mark. It dawned on me. It must have been the Sharpie that transferred from my butt to the toilet seat! I laughed at myself. I tried to clean the mark off, but it wouldn't budge. I did some googling and realized it's alcohol soluble. Luckily, I have a lifetime supply of alcohol swabs from all these injections and it came right off. Oh, the misadventures of infertility. When I tried going to bed, it was useless. I'm pretty sure I didn't go to bed until after 1am. I just kept tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. Then at 6:30am my brain decided to wake up and worry about it some more. You're supposed to take the shots at the same time every day (within one hour on each side), so I didn't want to take the shot too early. My cat River noticed I was awake and decided it was cuddle time. We cuddled for a long time. Then I got up and tried to kill time until 8:00. At 7:40 I started prepping. It took so long to get the medicine into the syringe. I kept staring at the blue triangle outlined on my butt. I kept repeating to myself the directions. "Make sure you don't have weight on that leg. Don't forget to pull the skin. Check for blood. Don't forget to check for blood. Don't forget to massage the area." I channeled my inner Tina Belcher and kept repeating, "I am a smart, strong sensual woman." I repeated it over and over to myself. Every time I would touch the needle to my skin my stomach would sink. My heart would race. After the third try, I started to panic. I almost started crying. I kept telling myself I could cry afterwards, but not before. I was on the verge of a panic attack for sure. My breath was fast and shallow. When I realized I was seriously panicking I just stick the needle in. I pulled back on the syringe to check for blood. No blood. Then I injected the slow moving oil. It was all in. My ears were ringing. My head was swimming. I threw the needle down and ran to the bed to lie down. Then I laughed at myself. It really wasn't that bad at all. But I still felt a little sick. I ran back over to properly dispose of my needle before a cat got into it. I could not find the cap anywhere! After blaming the cats and looking all over the house, I finally found it in the sharp's container! I have no clue why I put it in there. Maybe in anticipation of a cat trying to get it. After having done this highly intimidating shot, I feel fierce. One thing infertility has done is shown me how much stronger and capable than I ever thought. I have managed to maintain a very restrictive diet, give up caffeine and alcohol, and I've lost a total of 25 pounds! I have endured the absolute worst emotional roller coaster one could ever imagine. Although I'm well aware that ride is not quite over yet. I've been poked and prodded by so many doctors and nurses. I've given myself my own belly shots and now I've given myself my own butt shots. I am kind of glad I've had the opportunity to give myself my own shots. It's liberating and empowering. I've realized one of my new pet peeves is when people say, "I could never do that." I've heard this so many times when I talk about the ketogenic diet and the shots. Yes you can. If you want something bad enough, you can do it. That's why today's quote comes from the new Wonder Woman movie (although I must admit I have not seen it yet..I know I know...I need to!). “You are stronger than you believe. You have greater powers than you know.” -Antiope |
Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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