8/31/2017 0 Comments First trimester almost overI have not done an update in quite some time. Mostly because I’ve been asleep every chance I get and also because I feel like I’ve gone through almost every day with bated breath. At this point, I’ve had three regular doctor visits with the non-fertility doctor. My first visit I went alone because Matt wasn’t back yet. Every single woman in the waiting room looked like she was about to give birth at any moment. I felt so inferior for some reason. Part of me was still bitter and angry that I had to spend so much money and work so hard to get pregnant. Naturally, I assumed that every woman in there got pregnant by accident or on her first try. There were women that looked much older than me and I desperately wanted to ask them if they used IVF. I started counting the women. There were 12 women that were clearly pregnant counting me. So, statistically 1.5 women (we can round up to two) likely had to use assistive reproductive technology of some sort. Part of me was also proud that I managed to get to that point. I wanted to just stand up and announce that I was carrying a $40,000+ donor egg baby. I felt strong. I wondered how many of these women would put themselves through what I have endured just to get pregnant. I don’t toot my own horn often, but I had to speculate that not all of them would. IVF is not for the weak.
When I met with the nurse practitioner, I was stunned at how little she knew about fertility treatments. She couldn’t understand how it had been so long since the last day of my first period and even insisted she put down a closer date than the actual day of my last period. She didn’t know how to calculate my due date either. When she started asking about our family genetics and she asked me about mine I kindly reminded her it didn’t matter because it’s not biologically my baby. I asked to put down what I knew about the woman who donated her eggs for us. I don’t think she knew how to respond because she still insisted that she put all of my information in. We never even recorded anything that I knew about the egg donor. It’s funny how taboo this is even in the doctor’s office. No wonder people don’t like to share that they’ve used a donor. Our second OB/GYN appointment was 5 days after my last fertility doctor appointment. Our doctor was young, pretty, and very nice. Stark contrast to the fertility clinic. She answered a bunch of questions and gave us a bunch of information. She tried looking for our baby with a handheld ultrasound. I had no idea such a thing even existed. She prepped us beforehand that we might not see anything and not to worry if we didn’t. She wasn’t able to see anything but the gestational sac. When she said not to panic I pretty much instantly started trying not to panic. I kind of wish she hadn’t even tried to see anything. I spent the next week and a half trying not to panic. As far as symptoms that I’m experiencing goes, it’s been pretty mild. Ironically enough, the side effects of my medications have been the worst part. But to be fair, the side effects are pretty horrific. It’s been almost a week since I got to stop my progesterone shots and I still have knots and pain around the injection site areas. On my third to last shot I got sloppy and hit a nerve. I wanted to cut my leg, hip, and a good chunk of my back off for a good 24 hours. The pain was unbearable and there was nothing I could do for it. Those shots are quite possibly the worst thing ever. So far, I’ve mostly just been tired. The fatigue is something indescribable. After experiencing pregnancy and depression, I can attest that there is nothing more exhausting than depression. The exhaustion of depression is unrelenting. At least, I can take a nap and find relief from the fatigue of pregnancy. My hands and feet swell up sometimes and I’ve had some pretty bad heartburn. I also get horrendous -- all day long -- headaches if I don’t eat quickly enough which can get tricky when I forget to take my thyroid medicine as soon as I wake up. I also have a stuffy nose and sneeze all the time. (Specifically it seems whenever I have food in my mouth.) I didn’t realize how soon I would need to buy maternity clothes because my cups already runneth over. It’s really crazy and cool how quickly your body starts to change. I would say the worst symptom I have is constipation. That is no joke. One day between my doctor’s visit with the handheld ultrasound and out last ultrasound, I had the best bowel movement ever. This was around the same time my food aversions were starting to subside. I immediately started freaking out because I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I welcome my pregnancy symptoms with open arms. Whenever I have a clear pregnancy symptom, it feels so reassuring. Starting work was weird. It was really scary, but great to tell everyone I was pregnant. The looks on people’s faces when I told them how far along I was, was also interesting. Most people had a clear look of, “Why are you telling people so early. Are you crazy?” Then when I would respond to this facial expression by saying I’ve already had 3 ultrasounds, it would create a new astounded facial expression. One day at work, someone said something about me being pregnant in front of another staff member who I knew had adopted a child. I weirdly got so defensive and felt guilty. I immediately blurted out that I used IVF with donor eggs because I had no eggs. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I said. We ended up having a very open and frank conversation about our difficulties. It was very refreshing. I’m glad people are willing to have these conversations. Our most recent visit to the doctor was this week. I waited less than two and a half weeks between ultrasounds, but it really felt like a lifetime. I don’t know how normal pregnant women only get one or two ultrasounds without going totally crazy. It’s weird how anxiety provoking ultrasounds are for me. I’m really only used to getting horrible news and that makes it difficult to adjust to receiving positive news. I’ve read that many women who have gone through IVF have similar symptoms to those diagnosed with PTSD and I firmly believe that is accurate. I was really hoping for an abdominal ultrasound. Alas, it was a transvaginal. I started wondering how many transvaginal ultrasounds I’ve had over the last year and a half and I literally can’t even come up with a ballpark estimate. I would say probably more than 20 would be a conservative estimate. This office has big screen TVs to view the ultrasound on which was really. It was pretty cool to get to see the images immediately. It was crazy how human it already looks. We were actually able to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I swear that place has Bose surround sound. It was amazing. It started feeling a little more real. I really didn’t want her to stop letting us see the baby. I am 10 weeks and 5 days today. As I get closer to the second trimester, I am starting to relax a little more. But, I also know that nothing is guaranteed. Even if we are lucky enough to deliver a live baby, we have a whole lifetime ahead of us to worry something might happen. I think I am slowly starting to let go of that worry and starting to allow myself some enjoyment. “Don’t worry about what you don’t know. Life’s a dance you learn as you go.” – John Michael Montgomery
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Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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