9/27/2016 0 Comments Post OpWe had our post operation appointment yesterday. We, of course, had lots of questions. I definitely don’t have the bladder control I once had and this has been very concerning. In the last week, I have peed on myself twice. Luckily, I wasn’t at work when these events occurred. This was at the top of my list of questions. The doctor explained that sometimes surgery can unearth hidden bladder problems. If you are young and otherwise healthy, apparently your body learns to compensate. But, when it’s been shocked by something like surgery it takes a while to start the compensation again. So, now I’ll need to get a referral to an urologist. Great. Hopefully it will work itself out, but if not…I have a leaky bladder to look forward to forever. Our next burning question was, “How long do we have until the endometriosis comes back?” He gave us a good 9 to 12 months with the caveat that everyone is different so it could be less than that or could be more than that. This was actually a pleasant surprise after spending so many hours on Google and getting a 6 month (internet) estimate. Overall, the doctor seemed to be very optimistic about our chances. He told us that we could try naturally for a few months or we could do another IUI. We want to move as quickly as possible, because 9 to 12 months really isn’t that much time. So we are proceeding with another IUI.
This time he is switching us from Clomid to Letrozole since the Clomid did a number on my cycle and I had so many side effects. We are also going to add a trigger shot to the mix. This contains HCG and forces your follicles to release the eggs. They are incredibly expensive, but really increase your odds of success. They are also going to do mid cycle monitoring with ultrasound to monitor the growth of the follicles. If we go in for the ultrasound and my left ovary doesn’t seem to be producing good follicles then we will squash the IUI and try again the next month. The Letrozole was quoted to cost $75 at Walmart. When I went to Costco and asked the pharmacy how much it would cost, I thought she said $14 and was ecstatic! Yes! I’ll take it. When I went to pay what she had really said was, $4!!!!! Hello Costco! My new BFF. That’s even cheaper than the Clomid! We have to get the trigger shot from a mail order pharmacy. They called today and took my payment. This price was not so pleasantly surprising. This cost was $114.25 and that’s with some discounts they applied since my insurance doesn’t pay. They are sending it to our local Fed Ex office and I will pick it up next Tuesday. All in all our next IUI will cost about $1000. So crazy that this stuff adds up so fast. We also still have no idea how much the surgery is going to cost. Apparently, we won’t know for 30 days after the date of filing the claim which was September 16th. I don’t understand why no one can give us an estimate of what to expect. In the meantime, we are still trying this cycle. So far, I’ve had four days of flashy smiley faces on the ovulation predictor kits. I must say I’m ready for my solid smiley face. A solid smiley face means you are having a LH surge and should be ovulating. The flashy smiley faces mean you are getting close to getting a solid smiley face. According to the box, most people have 0-4 flashy smiley faces before getting their solid smiley face. But, there is a small group of people who will get 9 or more days of flashy smiley face and get no solid smiley face. Peeing on sticks makes me feel like I’m doing something to get closer to our goal and gives me purpose. It’s sad that I get so excited to do ovulation predictor kits. This morning, I woke up over an hour before my alarm was going to go off. I now know that I have to go to the bathroom immediately or it’s going to happen anyway. I begrudgingly got out of bed and peed on the stick. Sometimes the fancy ovulation kits take FOREVER to give you your results. I put the cap on the pee stick and took it back to bed with me. It felt sad, but comical. There I am trying to keep Maxwell from playing with it. It was pitch black dark so I couldn’t even see the screen anyway. I closed my eyes for a few minutes. I was realizing how nice it would be if the thing would beep or vibrate or something to let me know it was done. (Someone should invent this addition because I don’t have the initiative. But, I would love some royalties for the idea.) When it was finally ready, it was a measly flashy smiley face. While I know the odds are somewhat stacked against us this month, I am still somewhat hopeful but realistic. If we don’t get pregnant this month, I am really, really hopeful for next month. I think sometimes it’s scarier to share the hope than it is to share the despair. But, I am optimistic and feel good about our plan. So, for now I am going to keep peeing on my sticks and trudging through one day at a time through all the waiting. I’ll end this post with a lyric from one of my favorite songs from The Killers, “If you can hold on, hold on.”
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9/18/2016 2 Comments Hell WeekThis past week has been rough. As with all things infertility, the physical part isn’t so bad. It’s the emotional piece that takes you by surprise. I really thought this surgery would be a (relative) piece of cake. Physically, it really wasn’t all that bad. Emotionally, it was a nightmare.
I was feeling pretty good Tuesday and early Wednesday. I thought for sure I would go back to work on Thursday. Wednesday night I was suddenly overwhelmed. It was an inexplicable feeling that happened very quickly. I became so overwhelmed I had a full blown panic attack over virtually nothing. I was sobbing hysterically. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. When I would get a wave of clarity it wouldn’t last long and I would start all over again. I began to feel like I would never be able to go back to work. I worried I would go to work and somehow get fired. I kept wishing (aloud) that things could just go back to normal. As far as hot messes go, I was the hottest mess (and I don’t mean attractive.) Matt was my rock that he always is. For some reason I kept apologizing for crying. I do not like to cry in front of other people – even him. He kept saying, “If you can’t cry in your own house, where can you cry?” This is true. I cried all night. I started crying while we were watching a TV show where someone got engaged. I kept thinking I would give anything to go back to our engagement/wedding. We were so happy and we had our whole lives in front of us. I would give anything to go back to those times. Even after we went to bed I was still on and off again crying. I kept thinking I should go somewhere else so I wouldn’t wake Matt up. I kept thinking, “There’s lots of books where people find themselves and have epiphanies while crying on bathroom floors.” Maybe I should try that. But I couldn’t move. I could only lay there and weep. I felt so broken. I kept wondering why I wasn’t able to be strong like everyone else seems to be. I felt weak and useless. I felt emptier than I ever have. The next morning I tried to get up to go to work. I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to go to work. I went to the bathroom and realized my cycle had started. I was so relieved. Perhaps this is why I had a stage 5 colossal meltdown the night before. I told Matt I was staying home and went back to bed. I didn’t get out of bed until 11:30. My faithful cat, Maxwell, didn’t leave the bed until I did. Normally, he is up well before 7am. For several hours I contemplated whether or not I should look into long term medical leave. I was pretty well convinced I could never leave my house again. I was texting two of my friends expressing how I wish I could go back to normal. One of my friends who also has fertility struggles kindly pointed out that this is our new normal. No matter what happens this experience has permanently changed us. And it is so true. I will never be the person I used to be. Another friend told me I can take this time to try to create a new normal. No wonder these people are my friends. They’re so wise and I’m so thankful for them. I also reached out to the ladies in my support group. I expressed I didn’t feel like I was handling things well and wondered what does that even mean. So many women said they felt exactly like I do. They all reported back that what I am doing is perfectly “normal.” I wish I had written down what one person said because it was so perfect and true to me. She said she cycles through all the emotions: “feeling broken, whiny, hopeful, bitter, jealous, back to hopeful, hating people, doing okay.” It went on a little longer, but you get the gist. I laughed and said, “Well I’m currently in the hating people phase. Hopefully, I’ll be back to doing okay soon.” And not too long after this electronic conversation with a person I will never meet, I did start feeling better. I like to think the crazed person I was, was due to the HCG levels dropping. Almost just as quickly as the panic had set in, it was gone. By the time Matt got home from work, I felt “normal” again. I felt hopeful that this month can be our month. I felt like I could go to work and not have a total meltdown and lose my job. I went to work Friday and it was oddly normal. I went out for coffee afterwards and bought some shoes for an upcoming wedding that I’m in. I stopped and bought a few new cat toys. Totally normal things. Then I went home and made two cats very happy and loved my little family. Side note: I will say my cramps this cycle have been on par with the ectopic pregnancy cramps. It’s been extremely painful and I’m glad for the most part my period was over the weekend because it was pretty miserable. Now I’m staring down a full week of work, and it feels doable. Normal. Soon I will be back to starting my days by peeing on ovulation sticks hoping for good luck. “I didn’t want to be normal, until I didn’t have it anymore.” – Maggie Stiefvater Lament: The Faerie Queen’s Deception 9/13/2016 0 Comments Almost PregnantJust a few days past surgery and I’m surprisingly healing up quite well. My incisions are very small, but quite bruised. The first couple of days moving was pretty painful but the meds definitely helped. The worst part was the process of standing or sitting. Once I was actually standing, walking, or sitting things were okay. Leaning forward to reach for things while seated or bending over was pretty painful too. I tried to get up and walk around as much as I could as the doctor suggested. I also re-watched seasons one and two of Grace and Frankie. I think deep belly laughing, while painful, worked some of the soreness out. One thing I was really not expecting was how much coughing I’ve been doing. It seems worst when I’m lying down. Another thing I wasn’t expecting was how difficult it was to empty my bladder. At first, I was pretty much convinced my bladder was broken. Apparently it takes a while for your muscles to wake up after anesthesia and it's totally normal. It only lasted a few hours, but then there was lots of burning. This also only lasted a few hours and is very normal from catheter irritation. The hospital called to check in on me yesterday and assured me that everything I’ve experienced is normal and should be gone by tomorrow.
I think the euphoria of the surgery has subsided. I’ve had lots of internal conversations with myself and discovered I must have more than two hands… I keep saying things like “well, on one hand….” But I apparently have four or five hands. I always thought the first time I saw a positive pregnancy test would be the happiest day of my life. Turns out it was pretty much the most miserable of days I’ve ever had. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I have no idea what I was thinking. I kept looking at the calendar trying to figure out when exactly I got pregnant. I had convinced myself that pregnancy tests don’t work on me. Before starting the Provera to start my period I took 11 different pregnancy tests made up of 4 or 5 different brands over the course of at least a month. I used the pink dye, the blue dye, digital and cheapos. All of them said negative. For sure my last pregnancy test was August 10th because that was when I started the Provera. How in the world did I get pregnant when we weren’t trying? It must have been somewhere between or on taking Provera or even when I had started the birth control?! I can hear the haters saying, “I told you that you would get pregnant when you weren’t trying.” So, yesterday when I peed on my umpteenth stick I sat and waited. Within no time it popped up, “Pregnant.” After a few minutes the weeks estimator popped up, “2-3 weeks.” It was the most devastating thing I’ve ever read in my life. All this time I thought seeing negative after negative was the worst thing ever. Now seeing “pregnant 2-3 weeks” knowing my little bean had already been removed (along with my Fallopian tube) is undoubtedly the worst part of this whole journey so far. On one hand, I am so thrilled to know that we are capable of getting pregnant. On the other hand, I would’ve much rather had a pregnancy that had a shot at being viable. But, on my (newly discovered) third hand I’m also somewhat glad it was ectopic because of all the medicines I had been taking, not to mention all the medicine and anesthesia the day of the surgery. I cannot imagine the guilt I would’ve carried if I had harmed my own baby because I didn’t take a pregnancy test prior to the surgery. On yet another hand, I’m also glad I had no idea I had an ectopic pregnancy. I can’t imagine the loss I would’ve felt if I had thought for any amount of time that we were actually pregnant. So I am (irrationally) thankful that this situation played out the way it did. I had to, once again, cut myself off of Google. There is absolutely no way to estimate how long it will take the HCG (pregnancy hormone) to exit my body. I called the doctor’s office today to see if they could give me more hope. Alas, they could not. Everyone is different and it could take up to 6 months. Once the HCG is gone I will still have to wait to start my period which could take a few more months. Which means we will have to put off trying (again) until the HCG is all gone. Also, the doctor’s office wasn’t able to answer my question right away because they didn’t have access to the doctor’s surgery notes. I simply got an electronic message (hours after I called) saying they confirmed that I did have an ectopic pregnancy and that we can talk more about it in 2 weeks at the post-op appointment. So, here I am again stuck in this wait hole of infertility. I feel beyond broken and overwhelmed. I was so excited for this surgery and a plan. Here we are again waiting with no real plan to speak of. My heart sinks and feels crushed every time I see someone posting about how hard it is to wait 9 months to meet their baby. I can guarantee that waiting 18 months (and counting) just to get pregnant to wait 9 more months is even more difficult. When I see or hear women talking about their 5 or 7 or 10+ years journey, I can’t help but wonder where the hell they got all of their strength from. I admire these women more than any other people that I have ever met (or haven’t met). Their stories help keep me going. I have been trying so hard to not calculate what my due date would’ve been had I had a viable pregnancy. Almost every month we’ve tried, I’ve calculated my due date. At this point, there are no months that I don’t stop and realize I should have a growing baby boy or girl. Hell at this point, I could’ve almost had two babies by now. I try not to wonder if our little bean was a boy or a girl. He or she obviously took after my side of the family because it ran out of gas before it got to the final destination and got stranded in the wrong place. I can’t help but wonder what color eyes or hair he or she would’ve had. How long and how much would he or she have weighed? Which one of our delicately picked out names would we have chosen? I’ll never get to know the answers to any of these questions. I found a quote from one of my all-time favorite TV shows: The Wonder Years. "I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had." 9/9/2016 0 Comments Lap DayToday was lap day! I was genuinely excited for the surgery. I felt like we were going to get some answers and boy did we. I should probably preface this blog entry by saying I took a Percocet an hour or so ago so it may be somewhat incoherent.
Where to start?! Yesterday, I got my pre surgery call. The lady was very helpful and answered questions I didn’t even know I had. She explained we would go in and sign some (more) papers and then pretty much be whisked away to start medicines. She told me not to shave anything with a razor because that can increase your risk for infection (who knew?!) She explained I would have a catheter and some other stuff. I could potentially have blue urine for a while if they had to use a dye to look inside my Fallopian tubes (Unfortunately, I didn't get blue pee..kind of looking forward to that.) She also explained that it wouldn't be unusual if my surgery was rescheduled at any moment (YIKES). There was a person on the schedule before me so if that surgery went over mine would be pushed back. If I had a fever or anything like that I would have to be rescheduled as well. It was really helpful knowing all this stuff ahead of time. So we show up a little before 8:00 for 9:30 surgery. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. I really thought the eating part would be the hardest, but I was so thirsty! We really didn’t have to wait too long before they whisked us away to get hooked up to an IV. She had no trouble finding my non-existent veins. The worst part was realizing I’ve gained around 20 pounds thanks to all those lovely meds since this whole infertility thing started. The first nurse was very lovely. She gave me some socks and a gown and told me to strip down because there would be no dignity today. They gave me a bag for my clothes and let us lock up my valuables. She was funny and nice and made a not so great experience pretty bearable. I sat in a recliner and she told me to relax and feel like I was having a spa day (HA. Never had an IV at the spa….well come to think of it I’ve never been to a spa so I don’t have anything to compare it to.) We sat there for a while with the saline IV. She brought me some anti-nausea and an antacid and let me have the tiniest sip of water. What a tease. Later she also put an anti-nausea patch of some kind behind my ear to help with the anesthesia. We sat there for over an hour so. We then met with the anesthesiologist who was also very kind and took his time explaining things. I have TMJ problems, a neck issue, and have had Bell’s palsy (it’s been a long hard road) and he made sure to accommodate those issues. Then we met with the surgeon again and he answered more questions. Finally, the OR nurse came in. She was extremely sweet and explained everything that I would experience in the operating room. She explained it was a very uninviting atmosphere, but not to fret. She told me they would put plastic wraps around my legs for circulation, I would have electrodes for monitoring, they would have to strap me to the gurney. They would also put warm blankets and a thing called a bear hug on me. I don’t really remember what that was… haha She walked me to the OR and pointed Matt out to the waiting room. She was right. It was very uninviting. The anesthesiologist made sure my head and neck was comfortable and put the mask on me. The crew was talking and making jokes and put the oxygen mask on me. I was about to make a joke and ask the doctor if he got a good night’s sleep the night before. I have no idea if I actually made this joke or not because I was pretty much out immediately. When I woke up I had absolutely no idea where I was. For a good 30 seconds I forgot I was in a hospital and thought I had taken a nap on the couch. The first thing I remember saying was something along the lines of “I thought I was taking a nap on the couch!” I was slightly panicked until I remembered what was going on. My new nurse came in and laughed and said, “You’re not on the couch yet but you will be soon.” He was extremely nice. I can’t believe how wonderful every single person was. He had great bedside manner and was asking me if I was from the area or if I had traveled. He said he is constantly shocked by how many people come from all over the place to come for laparoscopic surgery here. I really do feel so fortunate to be so close to a fertility clinic even though I don’t always have a good experience. He then explained that they found an ectopic pregnancy. This means technically I was pregnant, but the embryo implanted in my Fallopian tube instead of my uterus. These are not viable pregnancies and are extremely dangerous. It’s the leading cause of death in pregnant women. I immediately had so many questions he couldn’t answer. I got a little teary and started breathing heavy, but he calmed me down and reassured me it was the anesthesia. Those feelings passed quickly. A few minutes after I woke up the nurse gave me some water, Sprite, and a plate of animal crackers, graham crackers. I was totally shocked how dry my mouth was. I ate an animal cracker and it just stuck to my tongue and cheeks. It was so weird! I drank a bunch of water to try and wash it down and got a little queasy so the nurse gave me more anti-nausea meds. All I wanted was Matt. And the answers to my questions. I apparently came out of the anesthesia really well and seemed like I came out faster than they expected. Three different people came by to ask me if I move around in my sleep. I do move around in my sleep a lot. The anesthesiologist called me a “Wooley worm.” Apparently I was so fascinating to him, it made him want to do a study on people who move in their sleep and how they come out of anesthesia…. Haha! They brought Matt back in. He had pictures of all my insides. Matt explained the doctor had told him that I had an ectopic pregnancy in the tube that was messed up on the HSG. It was a naturally conceived “pregnancy.” So that is actually really optimistic news. It’s insane that after all this time of trying I had an ectopic pregnancy while on birth control. They said there was no way it was a result of the IUI because the IUI was too long ago. One of the nurses did ask if I wanted to take a pregnancy test prior to surgery. I “knew” for sure that I was not pregnant so I signed a waiver saying I didn’t want to take the pregnancy test. I’m kind of glad that I didn’t know I had the ectopic pregnancy. I think it would’ve been harder news to swallow if there had been a glimmer of hope that I was pregnant. Ectopic pregnancies are not viable so they would’ve done the same thing anyway. As a result of the ectopic pregnancy they did remove that Fallopian tube. That is pretty sad, but it seemed like they would’ve removed that tube with or without the ectopic pregnancy. I had been having some bad cramps over the last couple of weeks but I just thought it was the birth control. It wasn’t a constant pain my any means. At one point I even wondered if I was getting a kidney stone again, but never did I think I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had some break through bleeding too so I had called the doctor’s office. Ectopic pregnancy never crossed my mind. Part two of the results. I had stage 3 endometriosis. It was all over both ovaries and was even on my bladder and in other places. It is mind boggling that I really had no symptoms of endometriosis at all – other than the whole not being able to conceive thing. The doctor seemed very optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant now. He had previously explained that endometriosis will kill the sperm before it ever gets to where it needs to go. I didn’t know or understand that until he explained it in our pre op appointment. Also, janky tubes can decrease your likelihood of getting pregnant too. So by actually removing it, it can increase your chances of getting pregnant. Totally counter-intuitive to me. So as far as after surgery goes, I think I’m doing pretty well. I was so sleepy when I got home. I have pretty much been asleep all day. I slept on the couch. Our sweet little Maxwell came to check on me as soon as I got on the couch. He was sniffing my hair and patting my head with his little paw. He likes to sleep between my belly and the back of the couch. I invited him down, but he would put one paw down and then bring it back up. He did this a couple of times before he decided to sleep behind my knees. Matt had to go to the store to buy soup after he dropped me off at the house. I literally just bought a ton of groceries yesterday and it never occurred to me to buy soup. There’s something about being sick that brings out my inner poor kid. I wanted Campbell’s chicken and stars and chicken noodle soup. Nothing fancy…haha When I woke up I ate a whole can of soup! I was starving. Matt made me another can and I ate about half of that before I passed out again. Maxwell came and let me spoon him. Matt said Maxwell cuddled me for a good four hours. Cats are way too sweet. Some of the things I’ve been surprised by after surgery. I could not get over how dry my mouth was. It took a while for it to not be so dry. Another thing that shocked me was that my throat is SO sore from the breathing tube. I’m not lying when I say my throat hurts worse than the incisions (for now.) It almost feels like strep throat or something. I was a little worried at first with my bladder. It was so hard to use the bathroom. I felt like I needed to pee so badly, but could not push the pee out. It took me a three or four trips to the bathroom before I felt like I was peeing somewhat normally. I felt like my pee muscles were broken! It seems to be on the path of normalcy now. Hopefully that cures up soon. As far as my pain goes, I’m feeling pretty good. I’m supposed to take 800mg of Ibuprofen every 5 hours whether I feel like I need or not. I can take the Percocet every four hours. I’ve only needed one so far so I feel like that’s good. I’ve pretty much been asleep all day until a couple of hours ago and now I feel fine. Some other post op things I didn’t know about was that I can’t shower for 48 hours and I am covered in iodine cleaner. It feels pretty gross. I can’t take a bath or submerge myself in water “for a long time.” They didn’t really specify that. I also can’t drive a vehicle for a whole week because if I get into an accident the steering wheel airbag will do bad things to my guts. So I know that is going to drive me crazy. I’m also supposed to get up and move around as much as I can to get the gas out of my body and prevent blood clots. So, overall I think I’m doing pretty well!! I’m really shocked I haven’t fallen back asleep yet. I wanted to make sure to thank everyone for your prayers, good thoughts, text messages, Facebook messages, care packages, cards, and gorgeous flowers. I’m one lucky gal. If you’ve sent a card in the last little bit we haven’t checked our actual mailbox in a couple of days (we are lazy slackers.) We are going to have our post op appointment in a couple of weeks to talk about details of the surgery and next steps! I am looking forward to it!! 9/5/2016 0 Comments Final CountdownI am EGG-static (see what I did there…very punny!) We are four days away from surgery. Who would have ever thought that someone could be so excited to have their insides probed? We had our IUI June 11th and found out June 26th it didn’t work. That’s over 10 weeks of living in the unknown with no real plan. It’s been over 5 weeks since we originally scheduled our surgery. Time has been slowed down enough to make a snail grow impatient. But there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there are more tunnels ahead, but I'm ready to get out of this one.
I thought I would be scared. I think the only thing I’m afraid of right now is getting a fever the day of surgery or having something else that will make us have to reschedule the surgery. My hormones have been all kinds of out of whack so last week I was really nervous we were going to have to reschedule. Minus some major stomach cramping, everything seems to be normal now. I’m sure that once we are in the hospital and it’s really real, I will probably be very scared. So, I’m going to ride out this excitement train as long as I can. I’m beyond ready for a real plan. Even with the first IUI, it didn’t feel like a real plan since we know something is wrong with my Fallopian tubes. Everything so far has felt like small steps, but this feels like our giant leap. Even if the surgery does nothing but bring us peace of mind, at least it will do that. No matter the outcome of surgery, we are going to have a plan. I’m hopeful that whatever is wrong is fixable, but even if it isn’t, we still have IVF as an option. I’m anxiously excited to find out the results. My brain constantly keeps rolling through each scenario. I’m really looking forward to this week. I have today off from work for the holiday. Tonight, I’m going to watch my husband’s curling game and on Wednesday we are going out for a nice dinner. We have some friends visiting the area from out of town. I’m hopeful we can see them before the surgery. I’m so thankful my surgery is first thing in the morning and not later in the day. I’m not sure if I’m actually the first surgery or not but hopefully they won’t be too behind. I really, really hope this week goes by as fast as I want it to! In the great words of Tom Petty, “You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part.” |
Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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