12/5/2017 0 Comments Second Trimester 24 weeksMan, it has been a long time since my last entry. I had to go back and read what I wrote last. I’m not sure why I’ve gotten so bad about keeping up with the blog. Lots of things have been happening.
Several weeks ago I got the weird rash all over my chest. I naturally did some googling. I figured it was nothing serious – probably PUPPS. WRONG. It was something called Pityrisis Rosea. The OBGYN said, “I have never seen anything like this.” Great. That’s exactly what everyone wants their doctor to say. She even tried to get the dermatologist from across the hall to come look but she wasn’t able to. So, I had to schedule an appointment for the following morning. The first thing the dermatologist said was, “I’ve never seen anything like this.” Lovely. She did some scrapings and had me wait for a while. Turned out to be something super rare. I had to take some heavy duty anti-virals (the shingles dosage) for a week. Turns out it is so uncommon they have no idea if it is harmful to the baby or not but there are some findings that are not good. Time will only tell. This happened about two weeks before our 20 week scan. We had already started looking to trade in my Mini for a real sized car. We had a second appointment at a dealership the day after the diagnosis. Everything I read online was pretty bleak about having this rash while pregnant and I really didn’t want to go look for a new car. Matt convinced me to go anyway and we somehow ended up buying a new car. It felt important to know I was putting so much trust into my body when I felt so nervous. Plus, it was hard to pass up the deal on our new mom-mobile. I’m a sucker for a good deal. Those 2 weeks were the longest two weeks I’ve ever waited. I had been feeling some movement from the baby (which is amazing by the way). Then, while on the meds I felt NOTHING. Not a single flutter. To say I was a wreck is a massive understatement. I just tried to focus on work and find some distractions. At our scan, I held my breathe almost the whole time. I really thought I was going to have a panic attack, throw up, and/or pass out. When we saw the baby on the screen, it was pretty magical. I had the revelation of “this is what everyone was talking about.” It was so worth everything we have done so far to see the 20 week scan. Although I won’t lie. I saw a giant whole in what appeared to be the middle of my baby and freaked out a little. Turns out it was his stomach and it’s supposed to look like that. He was really ornery and we didn’t get any good pictures of him. It also took forever to confirm his gender was accurate from our blood test. Our technician had accidentally referred to him as a her at one point. I would not have minded having a girl at all but I was concerned about potential implications of what it would mean for our blood test to say one thing but our baby’s body to say another. But there he was with his outdoor plumbing. There is really nothing cooler than the 20 week scan (so far). The following week we had a super fancy echocardiogram. His little heart checks out good so far. Although afterwards they gave us a lengthy list of things the scan can’t detect so it kind of felt like a waste of time. There could still be heart defects that we won’t know about until after birth. We’ve had our first baby shower. It’s kind of weird. I want to go all in and be super excited but it’s still so hard. We made a lot of baby purchases over Black Friday/Cyber Monday. Our house is really filling up with baby gear. Sometimes I look at it and wonder what I’ll do if we don’t bring home a baby. Matt and some friends just finished painting the nursery this weekend. Now we just need to shampoo the carpet and put the furniture back in. I am pretty excited for that part. We had our first birthing class last week. I must say that it was really worth the time and money. I introduced myself as Heather, the pregnant woman having a boy. Not as Heather, the infertile with donor eggs. It was nice to think I was being thought of as a normal pregnant woman. I even felt like a normal pregnant woman for the first time my entire pregnancy. We talked about labor last week. She really reiterated that it’s something you have to let pass through you and that you’ll need support. I think IVF/infertility has really prepared me for that. I was bottling everything up inside, but I’ve gotten much better at letting my feelings flow through me and asking for help when I need it amd being vulnerable. Pretty sure nothing makes you more vulnerable than labor. I felt like there were a lot of parallels between labor and infertility. Except at least you can time your contractions and know it will be over quickly and it shouldn't last much more than a day. There’s no knowing how soon infertility will end. Although I’m sure the physical aspects of labor are infinitely more intense than the physical aspects of IVF, but I still felt some connections there. On the way home, I felt really confident and happy. I hadn’t felt that way for a long time. I have still been trying to get used to driving a large car after driving a clown car for so long. I had only parked in the garage a handful of times and never in the dark. I was feeling so confident I decided to try and park in the garage. I felt so capable. The little voice in my head was telling me not to try and park in the dark. I was sick, it was dark, and I was fighting a cold. I, regretably, told that voice to shut up because I was feeling unstoppable. But then, I ended up hitting the support column in the garage and really messed up the bumper on my brand new car that I hadn’t even made the first payment on yet. I lost it. I so quickly reverted back to the section of my brain that felt broken and useless. It was so discouraging to know that part of my brain was ready and waiting on me with my first major disappointment. It seems like every little mistake I have made since then has been another tally in the “I’m broken and useless column.” Before you ask, "Can't you just get it fixed?" Sure I can. If I werent drowning in debt from fertility treatments and knowing how much childcare costs. Our second birthing class was last night. This time instead of feeling empowered, I kept wondering, “Which one(s) of us will need an unplanned C-Section,” “Will one of us lose our baby?” “Who will have children with significant (or minor) disabilities?” “Will one of us die or have serious complications?” Statistically, it is possible that those things will happen to one or more of our group of 10 women. The nurse kept saying over and over, “You have to trust your body and know that your body is made to do this.” My body was literally incapable of getting pregnant with my own eggs even after removing them from my body, forcing fertilization, and putting them back in. Will my body also reject labor? She said that we have had so much control over our pregnancy to this point and labor is the first time we won’t be in control. Well, boy won’t I be prepared?! I have not been in control or had any illusions of being in control for one second of my pregnancy. I realized I was not Heather the pregnant person. But, Heather the infertile person who got really lucky that an embryo finally took. For better or for worse, that is likely how I will feel forever. I guess I just have to learn to accept that. We had another check up today and all went well. Everything still looks good. I think I have a pinched nerve in my back so I'll be starting physical therapy soon. "I can't lose hope, what's left of my heart's still made of gold. And I know that I'm still fucked up, but aren't we all my love? Darlin' our scars make us who we are." -- Kesha
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Heather Joyce
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