7/31/2017 0 Comments Time Lord StatusWhew! I literally don’t know where to start. My therapist would probably ask me to examine what caused my procrastination behaviors--maybe later. A lot has happened since my last update. Last Monday I had my first ever ultrasound. Well my first ever OB ultrasound! I couldn’t even count how many ultrasounds I've had at this point. I’ve been wavering back and forth between “Throw caution to the wind” and “This isn’t real and isn’t going to work.” So far I’ve mostly been leaning towards, “Throw caution to the wind.”
I swore I wouldn’t buy any baby things until I knew for sure there was a baby in there. But, Sunday before my ultrasound someone posted an Amazon deal in the pregnancy after infertility support group I’ve recently joined. It was a beautiful crib for $75!!! It was even the color I wanted. I love a good deal so there was no way I was passing that up. I sent it to Matt and he liked it too, so I bought it! I didn’t even think about it. Well, I did think about it a little bit. It’s one of those cribs that can convert to a full size bed. I did have the thought of, “Well if this doesn’t work out we will have a headboard and footboard for our guest bed.” But I still felt good about it. Then a few hours later I saw a stroller on a yard sale page for FREE! My favorite price. I was the first to inquire about it. It felt like it was meant to be. I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night and then I woke up really early. I had to wait for my appointment at 10:30. It felt so late. I was so panicky I really thought I would puke before or during my appointment. I was a wreck. Matt was able to participate via Facebook video chat. The doctor kept the monitor turned towards him for what felt like forever. Then he finally turned the screen around and I could see our little black dot. He told us everything looked great and that the yolk sac was very well developed for it to be so early. That was such great news!! I kept looking at my ultrasound picture all day. It just didn’t feel real. One pain of having to deal with two clinics is that I have to wait for CNY to call with my blood work results. I kept waiting and waiting. I was calling and calling. Then I realized there had been an awful storm in Syracuse and they didn’t have access to phone or internet all day! WHHAATT!? So I had to wait until the next day to get my results back. I had to wait until almost NOON because they had never received my results and it took them forever to get them. Naturally no one in Charlottesville would answer the phone or return my voicemails. I’m not joking when I say I called every 15 minutes between 8:05 and 9:00. Then CNY started calling at 9:00 for me. It was irritating. I did not get good news. My Thyroid officially crossed into the bad zone at 3.63 and my estrogen dropped below 200 (what they like to see) to 171. AHHH. I was panicking to say the least. I felt so mad because I missed a whole day of getting more estrogen and synthroid into my body. The nurse did say that it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t at risk of losing the pregnancy. For some reason hearing her utter those words made me nervous about losing the pregnancy. Unfortunately, I did have a day of “google all the things.” I found nothing good. No more googling. So, if I had to examine my blog procrastinating I think I was very fearful of sharing this information. Something about the idea of sharing it made it seem so much more real and scary. I just want to enjoy being pregnant. I’ve actually been managing my fear and anxiety around losing the pregnancy much better than I anticipated (Thank God all those hundreds of dollars on therapy seem to be worth it!). I do check the toilet contents thoroughly to make sure there’s no blood, but other than that I’m not running to the bathroom every time I feel moisture or cramping. I also managed to buy some little onsies from etsy with no fear! All week my pregnancy symptoms keep coming and going. It makes me unbelievably nervous. I think I would feel so much better if I was puking all the time. I haven’t really been sick-sick, but I have had very little appetite. I’m tired and I pee a lot. I’ve had headaches off and on. That’s pretty much it. One day my scalp hurt SO bad. It literally felt like someone poured acid on half my scalp. Everything hurt -- wearing my hair in a ponytail, touching my hair, laying on that side. Everything was excruciating. I had never heard of this symptom before, but apparently it’s fairly common. I am glad that didn’t last. I know I should be grateful and many women would love to have limited symptoms, but it just feels more real when I’m sick. Last night I slept mostly through the night minus having to pee twice and then kick my cat out for getting into trouble. I didn’t feel like I was going to have a full blown panic attack this time. I felt remarkably calm—all things considered. Matt was able to participate via video chat again. We had the good doctor this time so he was much more considerate and didn’t leave us hanging. He let us see the monitor from the get go. I could see my little black dot turned into a full-blown nugget right away! It was so cool to see it. I could not believe how much little strawberry had grown! And without a moment’s hesitation the doctor pointed out the heartbeat! It was absolutely unbelievable to see it flicker. I also didn’t realize you could see the heartbeat and not hear it. I’m glad a friend told me that beforehand. He showed us the fetal pole and took all the measurements. Everything was right where it needed to be. Then he checked my ovaries and looked for signs of an ectopic pregnancy. It’s crazy how much they have to look for. Everyone keeps asking if I cried. I haven’t cried yet. But I was certainly grinning. My therapist keeps asking me what kinds of emotions am I having, where do I feel them, how do they feel. It’s so hard to describe. I feel like I’m grinning like a chimpanzee. I’m elated. I’m in disbelief. It feels like a dream I don’t want to wake up from. I can’t wait for it to really feel real. I was in my therapy appointment when CNY finally called (naturally). So, I didn’t get to ask them any questions. But my thyroid levels are going down and my estrogen skyrocketed to over 1000! It’s crazy how much estrogen fluctuates. Everything else looked great too. I’m hoping to be weaned off of some of these medications soon! I definitely can’t wait to stop the progesterone shots and suppositories. At this point, I’m not even sure which ones are the worst! I still have a few more weeks of those though. I really do dislike the term “miracle baby.” I feel like that leaves some sort of stigma on the women who don’t get theirs. Babies are miracles for sure. But, I feel like “miracle” makes it sound like those who get one somehow deserve it more than a woman who doesn’t. I don’t feel that way at all. No one deserves to not have a baby --especially when they've worked so hard. It’s pure luck. So many things have to go right and you just have to be in the right spot at the right time. I still can’t believe we got all 6 of our eggs to not only fertilize but we got them to good blastocysts and then we got pregnant on the first transfer. I’ve seen so many women use donor eggs and get nothing or only one or two fair blastocysts or three day embryos. Today I saw a woman only get two fair embryos with donor eggs and donor sperm. It’s all just a game of luck and patience. None of it is fair. I feel like our baby is a magical science baby instead of a miracle baby. This baby is a product of good science and determination. We have spent close to $40,000. It’s a shame when some people’s money runs out before their patience. That could have easily been us. It makes me so angry none of this is covered by insurance for most people. But, with all that being said, today’s quote is my favorite Doctor Who quote (since I’m now officially a Time Lord and all with my two heartbeats). “The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes very rarely impossible things happen and we call them miracles.” I love my new little companion all the way to Gallifrey and back.
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Heather Joyce
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