8/27/2016 0 Comments #BlessedI’m probably not going to make many friends with this post and may lose some readers. I’m okay with that. So if you’re easily offended, please stop now. I am not forcing you to read my blog.
When I first decided to go “public” about my infertility I was so nervous. I was (and still am really, working on it) ashamed of myself. I felt like such a failure that I couldn’t get pregnant like every other woman on the planet seems to be able to do so easily. I had/have so much pain and guilt. But, I was tired of people asking me when I was going to have children or why I don’t have children. So, I very delicately prepared myself for a few weeks. I knew there would be people who would say unhelpful things but I reassured myself that they would have good intentions. I prepared myself for the oncoming of comments like “In God’s time” or “God has a plan for everyone” or maybe even “It’s just not meant to be.” I will say I’ve heard all of these things and I’ve tried to shrug them all off. I’ve even heard comments like, “Well have you tried to lose weight?” Why yes…I have tried losing weight. In fact, I lost 20 pounds (which I’ve gained back and then some thanks to a combination of crippling depression and Clomid). I can’t for the life of me wrap my mind around why this country is so focused on victim blaming. When someone is homeless people say, “Well, they should get a job.” When someone has cancer, “Well, they shouldn’t have used plastic water bottles.” When someone is raped, “Well, she shouldn’t have drank so much.” When you're infertile: "Why would you talk about this? That's a private matter." Why do we think this way?! My blog post today is to largely blow off steam so I will admit I am deeply hurt and angry while writing. I may regret this later, but I have a strong desire to share. Today I shared a picture on Facebook that said something along the lines of, “No girl dreams of growing up to have children via IVF.” This is a fact. A true statement. One of my friends told me quite bluntly that I should feel blessed to have the opportunity to have IVF because she feels blessed. While I completely understand where the comment is coming from, it is NOT a helpful statement. Could you imagine if someone posted something inspirational/happy/etc and someone responded by saying, “Why are you so happy? You’re life really isn’t that great.” There would be so much backlash! It is not okay to tell someone not to be happy (or blessed) and it is equally not okay to tell a sad person not be sad. It's certainly not okay to outright bully a sad person. I won't go into detail on what was said, but just know that as soon as I read these hateful comments I cried. I cried like a little baby. It hurt my soul so much more than I can put into words to read these hateful comments written by people I had loved and trusted. The first thing you learn in a counseling class is to validate someone’s feelings. A good therapist/counselor/psychologist/social worker would NEVER not validate your feelings. When you are telling someone how they should feel you are belittling them. You are making them ashamed to feel that way. Even if your situation is similar to someone it does not mean they should feel the same way that you do. It is never okay to tell someone how to feel even if you are “just trying to be positive.” Another thing you learn in counseling is that you should never assume you understand another person’s feelings or circumstances. Let me just say that I am not swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck at night. I work in a school system and my husband is in graduate school. I have absolutely no idea if we have enough money for IVF if it does come to that. I literally have panic attacks thinking about how we would repay a loan of that magnitude even if we qualify. If we are lucky enough to give birth to a baby I have no idea how we will afford him/her after taking out such a loan. I hate that we live in such a society where only certain emotions are “appropriate” for public viewing. I am not the kind of person that just posts sunny, rosy pictures of my life. With that being said, 90% of my Facebook posts are pictures of my adorable cats or funny memes. I do know that I am blessed. I have the most amazing husband who dotes on me every chance he gets and treats me like a queen. Many people would love to have that. I have an incredible house and a wonderful job. I have grown much closer to many of my friends (unfortunately, farther away from some). Every day when I am struggling to get out of bed I remember all the people who love me and count on me. I get up and I plaster on my best “I can do it” face and head out into the world. I admit I am extremely snarky and sarcastic, but that’s how I cope. When I’m having a difficult time I’m not going to sugar coat it because it might make someone uncomfortable. While my last few blog posts have not been terribly uplifting, I like to think that most of them have a thread of hope in them. So, it’s really hard for me to swallow someone saying that I “might benefit from attempting a little positivity and gratefulness.” Every day that I get out of bed, on days that I don’t really want to, I am actively practicing positivity and gratefulness. That’s how I get out of bed in the first place. Just because I have days where I am overwhelmed with sadness does not mean I am not grateful. How dare someone think otherwise? Everyone gets sad sometimes. Some people are sad for longer periods of time than others. That does not make us ungrateful, pessimists. It does not make us weak. I will not allow hateful, judgmental people make me sad or angry anymore. When I started this blog it was to chart my journey and expose the truths of infertility and spread awareness. One of the truths of infertility is that some days I have really bad days. But when I do have good moments you better believe I cherish those moments better than I ever did before infertility. I know that one of life’s greatest pleasures is going out for wine or coffee after work. I know that there is nothing better than cuddling with my husband and our cats on the couch while we watch TV (Okay so maybe having a baby between the cats would be really awesome too). Another truth of infertility is that people are uncomfortable when you talk about it. I have seen the shock on the most professional of people when I casually say I have busted fallopian tubes. Now I’ve learned even people that you love can be downright mean to you. I used to hate when people would passive aggressively post those pictures on Facebook that say, “You find out who your real friends are when you go through something tough.” But damn, if it’s not true. I’ve often been told that I apologize too much. Being infertile is really helping out with that because I will not apologize for sharing my feelings. “Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
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8/24/2016 0 Comments Surgery Set: Moving ForwardEarly Monday morning, 12 days after my last Provera pill and after a 57 day cycle, I finally started my period. I had no idea I would literally rejoice when I saw blood in the toilet. I actually screamed out to my husband from the bathroom, “There’s blood on my toilet paper!” He has really been my rock. I usually hate when people say that because it’s so cliché. But seriously, I tell him all kinds of gross things and sad things and he never flinches. He just says, “We are in this together.” I can’t imagine going through this with anyone less than my husband.
So, let me just say that I have never really had cramping with periods before. For the last 20 some days I have been having some cramping. On Thursday, I started having what I thought was bad cramps that lasted a few days. On Monday, I was almost brought to tears from the pain I experienced in my uterus. The pain from my cramps was absolutely on par with the kidney stone I had earlier this year. I frequently felt like the air was being sucked from my lungs. My organs felt like they were being twisted and pulled. I did not sleep at all. I kept waking up groaning in pain. I woke up freezing to the bone even though our room was not cold. It was one of the most unbearable situations I have ever experienced. With all the medicines I’ve been putting in my body I really don’t want to take more medicine than I have to. But, at 4:30am I caved and took a handful of Ibuprofen. Okay…so it was more like 3 or 4. Before I went to work I took another 800mg. It was much more bearable after that. I have so much respect for all you ladies that deal with that regularly. I cannot imagine going to work like that monthly. We finally had our Pre-Op appointment yesterday. Shortly after I arrived there was a young and happy couple that came in. She was very bubbly and even made eye contact with me and smiled and said “Hello.” No one ever makes eye contact in the fertility clinic. It must’ve been their first appointment because their demeanor was markedly different when they left. The fertility clinic has a tendency to suck the life out of you. An HOUR after our scheduled 4:00 appointment, we finally got called to go back to the doctor’s office. I’m not a patient person. You would think this process would make you more patient, but that is not the case. I was very nervous they were going to ask us to reschedule because they close at 5:00. At 4:45 I asked the receptionist if they were going to make us reschedule and she (reluctantly) said no. I was nervous the doctor would rush us out. However, he exceeded my expectations. He explained more about our HSG results than our primary doctor ever did. Apparently there were some indicators of something called SIN (I’ll never remember the actual name). Our primary doctor had just mentioned this in passing and said it was really rare and probably not our problem. That was the entire explanation he gave us. Our surgeon explained that it’s a really rare disease of the fallopian tubes that they believe is caused by an autoimmune disorder. It causes the tubes to pucker at site where they attach to the uterus. It can trap and kill or damage the sperm before it ever meets the egg. It’s rare enough that no matter how much googling you do there is very little that you can read about it. If this is our problem, it is not fixable and IVF is our only option. He talked to us about endometriosis and showed us what endometriosis looks like. He patiently answered all of our questions. I was nervous they were going to reschedule since my cycle is out of whack and the surgery has to take place prior to ovulation. He gave us a prescription for birth control and told me to start within the next day or two and everything would be fine. He also gave me a prescription for Percocet and told us to fill that before the surgery. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about the surgery. The side effects of anesthesia are really enough to make anyone nervous I would think. They have to use a breathing tube. That’s pretty terrifying. One of the more likely to happen side effects from the surgery is damage to the bowel or bladder. Definitely don’t want that. I could also have permanent lingering pain. Don’t want that either. There were a whole host of other potential side effects I purposefully blocked from my memory. I have no idea how many days I’ll have to take off of work. I have no idea what I’m going to feel like afterward. I also have no idea what the results are going to be. It’s a lot to take in. So here we are. Waiting. Again. Surgery is scheduled for September 9th. So there’s absolutely nothing we can do between now and then. Time has been at a complete stand still since our IUI. I know I shouldn’t wish my life away, but I wouldn’t hate it if the next two weeks disappeared. A quote from one of my favorite books, Panic, “She knew that this day, this feeling, couldn't last forever. Everything passed; that was partly why it was so beautiful. Things would get difficult again. But that was okay too. The bravery was in moving forward, no matter what.” 8/7/2016 0 Comments To Be or Not to BeI want to say I am truly shocked and humbled by all the people who read my blog and who’ve reached out to me. Since I started my blog at the end of May, I’ve had over 6,000 viewers. Whenever I go too long without a post, I always have faithful followers messaging me asking for updates. I certainly never expected this kind of support when I (nervously) published my first post.
I don’t know that I have much to say this time. I’m currently cycle day 43 with no real signs of a new cycle coming. I am 6 days into my 10 day course of Provera. I can’t describe the frustration I have with my body. I definitely have moments where it is completely unbearable and I feel like I’m suffocating in my own skin. Not having any control over my body can be paralyzing. This past week I had a wonderful opportunity for some professional development with work. One thing that’s pretty cool about my job is that professional developmental often turns into personal development. We had some in-depth training on Choice Theory. I must say when I first learned about Choice Theory and Glasser in graduate school I was not a fan. I still don’t really like Glasser and I don’t think Choice Theory is always appropriate. But, that’s for another blog. For a very basic rundown of Choice Theory, it essentially boils down to getting your needs met. We have physical needs (safety, housing, food, etc) and psychological needs. The four psychological needs are power, love, fun, and freedom. If these needs are not met we cannot be happy. Our “total behavior” is made up of: acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology. Glasser suggests we have considerable control over acting and thinking and the choices we make greatly influence our feelings and physiology. So, in essence we choose to be happy or we choose to not be happy. I had a lot of personal emotions to process while participating in this training. Infertility constricts all of my psychological needs. It has almost completely eliminated “fun” from my life. My “power” and “freedom” feels as constricted as my “fun.” While I have lots of people who love me and I love my family (and cats), caring for a child is another picture I have in my needs circle. Although I don’t totally prescribe to Choice Theory, I do feel like it gave me some sort of control by being able to label my experiences. I kept having pictures of myself losing it on the phone with the nurse. My “total behavior car” was totally off track and crashed for sure. In that moment, I think the need that felt the weakest was “power.” I really just needed someone to hear my concerns and the nurse did the absolute right thing by answering my questions directly with factual information. I also think this blog helps to restore my “power” and maybe even my “freedom” to some degree. I definitely need to add more “fun” activities to my needs circle. This is a hard one because most of the things I enjoy require money. Infertility also sucks away at your “physical” needs as my financial security feels threatened daily. But I’ll have to use my imagination to find new fun activities. I still believe happiness can be fluid especially when you’re on an uncontrollable and often unbearable journey. I know there are going to be days where getting off the couch is going to seem like too big a challenge. I know there will be days where I will be mentally pushing people out of my way so I can get out of the store faster. But I also know, that there will be moments and maybe even days of happiness. Lucille Ball once said, “It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” |
Heather Joyce
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