8/27/2016 0 Comments #BlessedI’m probably not going to make many friends with this post and may lose some readers. I’m okay with that. So if you’re easily offended, please stop now. I am not forcing you to read my blog.
When I first decided to go “public” about my infertility I was so nervous. I was (and still am really, working on it) ashamed of myself. I felt like such a failure that I couldn’t get pregnant like every other woman on the planet seems to be able to do so easily. I had/have so much pain and guilt. But, I was tired of people asking me when I was going to have children or why I don’t have children. So, I very delicately prepared myself for a few weeks. I knew there would be people who would say unhelpful things but I reassured myself that they would have good intentions. I prepared myself for the oncoming of comments like “In God’s time” or “God has a plan for everyone” or maybe even “It’s just not meant to be.” I will say I’ve heard all of these things and I’ve tried to shrug them all off. I’ve even heard comments like, “Well have you tried to lose weight?” Why yes…I have tried losing weight. In fact, I lost 20 pounds (which I’ve gained back and then some thanks to a combination of crippling depression and Clomid). I can’t for the life of me wrap my mind around why this country is so focused on victim blaming. When someone is homeless people say, “Well, they should get a job.” When someone has cancer, “Well, they shouldn’t have used plastic water bottles.” When someone is raped, “Well, she shouldn’t have drank so much.” When you're infertile: "Why would you talk about this? That's a private matter." Why do we think this way?! My blog post today is to largely blow off steam so I will admit I am deeply hurt and angry while writing. I may regret this later, but I have a strong desire to share. Today I shared a picture on Facebook that said something along the lines of, “No girl dreams of growing up to have children via IVF.” This is a fact. A true statement. One of my friends told me quite bluntly that I should feel blessed to have the opportunity to have IVF because she feels blessed. While I completely understand where the comment is coming from, it is NOT a helpful statement. Could you imagine if someone posted something inspirational/happy/etc and someone responded by saying, “Why are you so happy? You’re life really isn’t that great.” There would be so much backlash! It is not okay to tell someone not to be happy (or blessed) and it is equally not okay to tell a sad person not be sad. It's certainly not okay to outright bully a sad person. I won't go into detail on what was said, but just know that as soon as I read these hateful comments I cried. I cried like a little baby. It hurt my soul so much more than I can put into words to read these hateful comments written by people I had loved and trusted. The first thing you learn in a counseling class is to validate someone’s feelings. A good therapist/counselor/psychologist/social worker would NEVER not validate your feelings. When you are telling someone how they should feel you are belittling them. You are making them ashamed to feel that way. Even if your situation is similar to someone it does not mean they should feel the same way that you do. It is never okay to tell someone how to feel even if you are “just trying to be positive.” Another thing you learn in counseling is that you should never assume you understand another person’s feelings or circumstances. Let me just say that I am not swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck at night. I work in a school system and my husband is in graduate school. I have absolutely no idea if we have enough money for IVF if it does come to that. I literally have panic attacks thinking about how we would repay a loan of that magnitude even if we qualify. If we are lucky enough to give birth to a baby I have no idea how we will afford him/her after taking out such a loan. I hate that we live in such a society where only certain emotions are “appropriate” for public viewing. I am not the kind of person that just posts sunny, rosy pictures of my life. With that being said, 90% of my Facebook posts are pictures of my adorable cats or funny memes. I do know that I am blessed. I have the most amazing husband who dotes on me every chance he gets and treats me like a queen. Many people would love to have that. I have an incredible house and a wonderful job. I have grown much closer to many of my friends (unfortunately, farther away from some). Every day when I am struggling to get out of bed I remember all the people who love me and count on me. I get up and I plaster on my best “I can do it” face and head out into the world. I admit I am extremely snarky and sarcastic, but that’s how I cope. When I’m having a difficult time I’m not going to sugar coat it because it might make someone uncomfortable. While my last few blog posts have not been terribly uplifting, I like to think that most of them have a thread of hope in them. So, it’s really hard for me to swallow someone saying that I “might benefit from attempting a little positivity and gratefulness.” Every day that I get out of bed, on days that I don’t really want to, I am actively practicing positivity and gratefulness. That’s how I get out of bed in the first place. Just because I have days where I am overwhelmed with sadness does not mean I am not grateful. How dare someone think otherwise? Everyone gets sad sometimes. Some people are sad for longer periods of time than others. That does not make us ungrateful, pessimists. It does not make us weak. I will not allow hateful, judgmental people make me sad or angry anymore. When I started this blog it was to chart my journey and expose the truths of infertility and spread awareness. One of the truths of infertility is that some days I have really bad days. But when I do have good moments you better believe I cherish those moments better than I ever did before infertility. I know that one of life’s greatest pleasures is going out for wine or coffee after work. I know that there is nothing better than cuddling with my husband and our cats on the couch while we watch TV (Okay so maybe having a baby between the cats would be really awesome too). Another truth of infertility is that people are uncomfortable when you talk about it. I have seen the shock on the most professional of people when I casually say I have busted fallopian tubes. Now I’ve learned even people that you love can be downright mean to you. I used to hate when people would passive aggressively post those pictures on Facebook that say, “You find out who your real friends are when you go through something tough.” But damn, if it’s not true. I’ve often been told that I apologize too much. Being infertile is really helping out with that because I will not apologize for sharing my feelings. “Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
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Heather Joyce
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