1/9/2017 0 Comments Weekend UpdateThese last few days have been pretty frustrating. As I expected, I never got my solid smiley face. So on cycle day 18 (Friday), I did as instructed and gave the office a call. Of course I got no answer, so I had to leave a voicemail. And naturally, they called while I was at work and couldn’t talk (I wasn’t sure how many times I should say “period” or “ovulate” in a hallway that echoes.) I spoke briefly to her and was very confused by the time I got off the phone. It sounded like she said I couldn’t start IVF unless I ovulated. In what world does that make sense? If I didn’t ovulate on letrozole why in the world would I ovulate naturally?! So I went back to work for several hours before I could call back to clarify my questions. Three hours later I finally get a chance to call back. And yes, she definitely said I had to ovulate or we would have to wait until my February cycle to start. I asked what happened if I didn’t ovulate the next time and she said we would have to “re-evaluate our options.” To me that meant not doing IVF with my own eggs. My head was spinning so fast I couldn’t even think of all the right questions to ask. Of course I had ALL WEEKEND to think about every question I wanted to ask.
I went in this morning for bloodwork to check my progesterone to confirm whether or not I ovulated. So this time, I was prepared with questions. Of course I saw a different nurse than the one I spoke with on the phone Friday. She would not answer my questions. She just kept saying, “We have to see what the blood work says.” When I asked her why we couldn’t proceed if I didn’t ovulate and her response was, “If you have a cyst it’s not a good time to start IVF.” Answered just like a politician… So I asked again. She simply said we had to wait to see what the blood work said. I realized she wasn’t really going to answer my questions. So I went home and waited for the call. If I’m this antsy over a progesterone call what will I be like if I ever have to wait for a beta?! Finally, at 1:00 I got the call. It was the same nurse as Friday. And as I suspected…no ovulation. But suddenly….We can do IVF with this cycle…Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic we don’t have to wait. But what’s with all the different answers?! This is such an emotional and confusing process without adding all these mixed messages. However, there is a catch. This time they will not prescribe me Provera if I don’t start my period. So my period come anytime between next week and never. It could literally take 60 or even 90 days to get another period. It’s interesting to me that my period was a perfect 28 days prior to seeking medical treatment. Despite having a few major emotional meltdowns, I have really been feeling more like myself lately. Over the past few months I would definitely categorize myself as “comfortably numb.” I didn’t really have any feelings or emotions. Which is actually kind of nice when you are being bombarded with negative news on a regular basis. It’s much easier to function when you aren’t crying all the time. But it does wear you down over a while. I have definitely reached that “keto clarity” I have read about. My mind does feel sharper. When I laugh I’m actually having a good time. I have feelings again. But these positive feelings definitely come with a price when the negative emotions come in. It is hard to go back to wrangling all of that after blocking it out for so long. At the beginning, I tried so hard not to let my emotions fester. But festering have they been… It’s amazing how something as simple (or not so simple...depending on how attached you are to carbohydrates) as a diet change can make such a huge difference. I never would have guessed. All this time I thought food made me feel better, but it made me feel so much worse. Part of feeling like myself again involves reading for pleasure. Last year I only read 9 books. My goal was to read 35 and I normally read at least 25. Eight of these books were prior to seeing the fertility specialist in May. One book was a book I started reading months ago and finished just before the New Year. I really couldn’t bring myself to read. I couldn’t concentrate when I was reading. It wasn't enjoyable. Not that anything really was. I ordered a book from Amazon that actually took quite a while to get here. I wanted to get back into reading. I started reading it Saturday and finished it yesterday. I bought a book at Target yesterday (it’s called Everything, Everything). I started reading it last night and stayed up until 1AM to finish it! It was so nice to find so much pleasure in reading again. Plus it was a really good book. The main character likes to read books over and over and tries to find a new meaning each time she reads them. This morning my Timehop showed a quote that I shared 7 years ago from Fox and the Hound – “Darlin’, forever is a long, long time and time has a way changing’ things.” I used to think this quote was so sad. Now I think I’ve found a new meaning in it. I won’t be miserable forever. Even if we spend all this money and we don’t get pregnant. At some point, I can be happy again. But it sure would be nice to know how long “forever” will be. How long will it take to change the wish in my heart if my wish doesn’t come true?
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Heather Joyce
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