7/26/2016 0 Comments All for NaughtAnother two week wait has come and gone. I don’t even know what to say. There are no words for the deep level of sadness I have felt over the last few days. I cannot understand how we’ve done everything right with negative results. I drank pomegranate juice, religiously had acupuncture, avoided caffeine, took warm (not hot) showers, made sure I stayed cool and avoided strenuous activities. I know that IUIs have low success rates, but we wouldn’t have done it if we didn’t have some hope it would work for us. I have loathed my body for most of my life. But, nothing compares to now. My body feels broken and useless.
I hate Clomid so much. I can’t even count the number of side effects I experienced. I have a giant bald spot, I gained six pounds, and I was so moody. I was constantly ravenous, but nothing seemed appetizing and then I would feel sick after eating. I had weird sensations in abdominal area with severe breast/nipple pain. My nether regions constantly felt inflamed and irritated. I was tired all the time. I had hot flashes and night sweats. I feel like I had every symptom of pregnancy except for pregnancy. My period still hasn’t even come. But, seven pregnancy tests later all still negative. The first pregnancy test I took was a Clear Blue test. Apparently now that the tests are physically curved the indentation lines are more pronounced so it looks like you have a very faint positive line. I hope someone starts a law suit. When you see a faint blue line only to discover it’s because the test is faulty is the worst feeling in the world. Every Clear Blue test I took had a faint blue line. The worst part is when you tell people this and they say “you should’ve used a *insert their preferred test here*” Thank you. That’s super helpful. I used 7 different tests made up of 4 different brands. I’m glad I have no idea how much money we’ve wasted on pregnancy tests over the last year and a half. Or maybe my “favorite” comment is when people have said, “You think those side effects are bad wait until you have real pregnancy symptoms.” Thanks. I appreciate it. Your healthy pregnancy must have been so much worse than my infertility. I will gladly take all pregnancy symptoms if I could have a freaking pregnancy. I have also had at least three different people insinuate that my cats and their litter boxes are the reason we can’t get pregnant. Matt has been on solo cat litter duty for almost two years now. Matt doesn’t even want me to use household cleaners to clean the house. So, I don’t think that’s it. I’m terrified that my period isn’t going to come and I’m going to have to take MORE medicine just to induce my period. If it hasn’t come by the end of the week then I’ll have to go in for a blood test and then if it’s negative I guess we will have that conversation. We’ve also revisited the conversation of “to surgery or not to surgery?” The doctor seemed very pro surgery until I reminded him the insurance isn’t paying for it. Then he essentially said we should save that money for a down payment on IVF. He’s having the office run it through insurance again for shits and gigs. I’m supposed to hear sometime today if we’ve convinced the insurance to pay. I’m definitely not getting my hopes up there. So, I’m guessing we will try one more IUI before moving to IVF. I saw a picture on Instagram a few months ago with the quote “infertility is learning to live in grief while finding a way to a fulfilling life.” This quote could not be a more accurate, poignant description of infertility. I can’t remember if I’ve already shared this quote on the blog. But every month I remember this quote and how true it is. Every month I try to picture what my life would be like without a child. It’s a very painful image. I grew up an only child. I’m not terribly close with my extended family. I grew up very far away from most of my family. The family I had close enough to interact with aren’t worth knowing. How can two people really be a family? I have given adoption a very serious consideration. I really have no desire to adopt an older child. I’m glad there are people out there who can do that, but I just don’t think that’s for me. I want an infant. Truthfully, I want my own flesh and blood infant. I would consider adopting an infant. But, it is incredibly expensive. I’m talking $30,000-$40,000 expensive. I’ve also heard terrible horror stories about how the biological mothers changed their minds after giving up their child. The biological mother has one week after birth to change her mind. I could not take a baby into my house and then have give him or her back. I’ve also heard stories of how families have been on lists for multiple years. I really just don’t think I could wait for so many years. I’ve seen so many women that have been on this journey for 10 or more years. I just don’t think I’m that strong. But I also don’t know how I could possibly stop trying. I love Winston Churchill so I will stop here, “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
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Heather Joyce
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