6/29/2016 4 Comments Keep FightingMy two week wait ended on Sunday as scheduled. AF (aunt flow) arrive right on time as scheduled. I still can’t wrap my mind around how you can have infertility and perfectly predictable periods. I sat down to write a few blog posts, but they were all pretty sad and pathetic. Our last hope for a natural baby was dashed. I haven’t seen the new season of Orange is the New Black (currently starting right now), but someone posted a quote from the new season. Someone asks Piper, “Are you okay?” and Piper replies, “Not even a little bit.” That is currently where I am in life.
Yesterday I saw a many proudly toting his little girl around. I almost lost it. I thought about how I may never get to see that look on Matt’s face. He would be such a great father. I can’t bear the thought of him not being able to be a father. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel it is. Everyone wants a baby in the family and it is the woman’s job to carry the baby. The fertility problems only fall on me. So, how can I not feel some responsibility? Last night I realized I hadn't been processing my feelings. So, before I went to sleep I hunkered down in my bed with a roll of toilet paper (when I cry snot comes from everywhere), and played Hootie's Let her Cry on repeat. I do feel remarkably better today. Tomorrow I start my first round of Clomid. I swear I’m already having hot flashes just thinking about taking it. I woke up sweating horribly this morning. It’s like my body is prepping me for it. I still haven’t even decided if I’m taking it in the morning or evening. I only have a few hours left to make up my mind. Whenever I think about taking it I get Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train stuck in my head. I guess I should add that to my playlist. Honestly, I’m already on such an emotional roller coaster I’m not sure how I will tell if it’s normal mood swings or Clomid mood swings. At least I’ll have something to blame the mood swings on. One of my friends posted a Pat Summitt quote that really resonated with me. This is only a portion of a much larger quote, but it’s the part I connected with. “When you learn to keep fighting in the face of potential failure, it gives you a larger skill set to do what you want to do.” So we will just keep fighting even when it gets too hard.
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6/20/2016 2 Comments Waiting ...I’m currently nearing the end of my 2ww (two week wait). This is the period of time after ovulation and before menstruation. It’s the time you could be pregnant, but not know it yet. You would really think with all the technological advances we have in medicine we could figure out a faster way to know. It’s the time when women are over-analyzing every twitch, headache, unexpected nap time, cramp, etc. I know I’m not the only one, so I’ll admit that I also walk around the house squeezing my boobs to see if they’re sore. Every 2ww seems harder than the last, but this 2ww seems exceptionally crucial as it’s the last time before we pay hundreds (or thousands) of dollars to try get our own little bean. I can’t help but feel hopeful and optimistic that this is our turn.
Last night our oldest cat, Momo, was outside past her curfew and spent the night outside (those teenagers...). Out of our three cats she is the one I least worry about outside. However, she hardly ever spends the night out. I dreamed someone stole her. I woke up around 5:30 immediately from the dream to see if she was waiting to come in. She wasn’t. I’m a little superstitious. I thought to myself, “If Momo comes home that means I’m pregnant and if she doesn’t come home I should never have children.” Okay, so maybe I was setting myself up for that one because I knew she would come home. But, I couldn’t help but feel a little optimistic when she came to the door. I recently saw an inspirational post that said: “Infertility is learning to live in grief while finding a way to a fulfilling life.” I realized today that there’s only 5 weeks before I have a week long training before I go back to work. I feel like I have done nothing buy lie on the couch watching Netflix for the past two weeks. I haven’t even read a single book all summer and normally I can average one book every day or two in the summer time. Today I dusted off a book that I started just before our fertility testing started. Hopefully, I can finish it soon. So now I will wait. And wait. And wait. In the meantime, I’m going to find some things to do that I enjoy. “Patience is not simply the ability to wait – it’s how we behave while we are waiting.” – Joyce Meyer 6/17/2016 2 Comments Turning On the LightI believe I’ve always had an unusual sense of humor. One of the only episodes of Rocky and Bullwinkle I can remember is when Natasha and Boris had been caught in an undertow on the beach. Natasha pulled Boris out and began to resuscitate him. She chanted, “In with the bad air; out with the good.” I couldn’t have been more than five, but I thought this was hilarious.
I always attempt to find humor in every situation. When I was younger and something bad would happen my parents used to say, “You may as well laugh about it; otherwise, the only option is crying.” On this journey, some days it is really difficult to find humor. I recently discovered a woman on twitter who takes the “laughter is the best medicine” approach. It’s definitely been the pick me up I needed. Yesterday I had my second acupuncture appointment. During all appointments that have required me to eventually end up in the nude, I have spent far too much time trying to pick out the most “appropriate” underwear choice. Seriously though. What kind of underwear are you supposed to pick at times like those?! Yesterday, I chose underwear with penguins on them. Might as well choose the ones I like. At the appointment he stuck all the needles in and manipulated them. This time I was prepared and made sure to scratch my face beforehand. This time I was going to practice mindfulness and think peaceful thoughts. I thought to myself with regulated breath, “in with the bad air out with the good.” Okay, so I was only trying to be positive. After about 10 minutes, my face started itching again. Seriously? Does my face normally itch this much?! After another eternity the therapist came back in. Whew!! That wasn’t so bad. Except he didn’t come back in to take out the needles. He came back in and manipulated them again and left me for another 20 minutes or so. Ugh. My face was so itchy. I decided to go ahead and scratch my face. You should never move when you have needles hanging out of your body. My arm muscles seriously cramped up. It’s amazing how hard it is to do nothing for such a short period of time. After the appointment, I had to do some grocery shopping so I went to our local grocery store. I stopped by the pharmacy to see how much my Clomid would cost. The doctor said around $2 a pill so $10 total. That’s not so bad. At the grocery store pharmacy they wanted $30 for the cash price. Um no thanks. I’ll try another store. Next stop, Costco. Costco’s cash price was $12, but $9 for members. Woohoo! I’ll take these please. (Side note: they also do discounted pet medications. Who knew?!) I have heard bad things about Clomid. Staring at the lengthy list of side effects is pretty daunting. I won’t list them all, but a preview includes “bloating, hot flashes, headaches, breast tenderness, dizziness, and headaches.” Under the more serious side effects includes, “abnormal vaginal bleeding, vision changes (could be permanent, but this is super rare so no worries, right?), and mental/mood changes.” Then of course there’s the list of “go to the emergency room right now” if you experience these symptoms: “severe swelling, rapid weight gain, chest pain, vomiting, decrease in urination, swelling of the face and throat, etc.” Well then… That shouldn’t be too bad… I was reading a thread on a Facebook support group about those who have had side effects on Clomid. Some had reported horrible insomnia. What? This isn’t even on my lengthy list of possible side effects! One lady described a hot flash so sudden and severe she started stripping off her clothing in a mall. Her husband was quickly reactive and tried to shield her and get her clothes back on. Well that sounds fun I guess… Other women described delayed side effects. So, they thought they had been in the clear while they were taking the medicine but then they suddenly found themselves hanging up on costumers at work and yelling or sobbing hysterically at their husbands for not having marinara sauce for breadsticks. As I was reading these to my husband, I confessed I was nervous to take the medicine. He replied, “You shouldn’t be the one that’s nervous. I’m the one that should be nervous.” I’m a school psychologist so I have the summer off from school so this shouldn’t be so bad. Oh wait. I’m doing summer work for extra money to help pay for all this stuff. Hopefully, I can strategically schedule things around any potential mood swings. So, now we are waiting again. I have never wished away a summer so much. It’s halfway through June and I haven’t even read a single book. I have, however, watched at least two thirds of a season of Criminal Minds. I have to wait until day 5 of my next cycle to start the medicine. My next cycle isn’t due until June 26th IF everything comes on time. That means I can’t start the medicine until June 30th. I feel so trapped. I have a big even that I’ve been looking forward to for 10 years. Yes a 10 year reunion that I’m actually looking forward to. Not one for graduating high school (although this should be a year for a 10 year reunion). But, 10 years since I first worked at my beloved summer camp. If things do not come on their schedule I could potentially miss an event I’ve literally been waiting on for a decade. I will be totally devastated if I am unable to go to this. We can’t really plan to go anywhere. We have to be here when I get a positive ovulation kit to go for our turkey baster treatment. Please body, for the love of God, do things on time. Now to leave this post with one of my favorite Dumbledore quotes: “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” I love this quote so much. If it weren’t so long , I think I would tattoo it on my body. 6/15/2016 0 Comments Next StepsToday I feel like I’m channeling my inner Ouiser Boudreaux: “I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.”
We had our follow up with our doctor yesterday. He told us that although my tubes are open both tubes did show some abnormalities. I feel like I’ve been living on a false hope the last few weeks. Hello emotional roller-coaster. Ticket for one please. He said the abnormalities could be congenital or could be damage from endometriosis or a prior infection I never even knew I had. I have “marginal” ovarian reserve. So, I don’t have many eggs left. Since I was 10 I’ve always been told I was an old soul trapped in a young body (literally just had someone tell me this again last week). It seems my ovaries came with my soul and not with my body. So although I am only 28, time is not on my side. Because of this we need to try more “aggressive” treatments. So, the recommendation was to try two rounds of Clomid with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The chances of a pregnancy by this method for us is about 10%. I do not feel like “the odds are ever in my favor.” The odds for a healthy, fertile couple getting pregnant naturally is only 20% so I feel like the 10% isn’t as bad as it sounds on the surface. But no amount of googling or support group help is giving me much hope. I can’t seem to find anyone who got pregnant on one or two rounds of IUI with Clomid. If this pathway doesn’t work we go back to the debate of “should we pay $5,000 for a surgery that may not be helpful?” Or, we would go straight to IVF? Which again, we could pay over $10,000 for no success. I know I should be more positive about our chances. But I’m running low on hope. That is a lot of money to gamble on. Then, it’s not like babies stop costing money once they are born. I feel so out of control. I love control. When we started this journey we were going to get pregnant right away and I would deliver the baby in May so that I didn’t have to miss much work. I am a recovering perfectionist, but being this out of control makes that hard too. I don’t even have dreams that I am having a baby anymore. Any baby dreams I have now is just me holding someone else baby. It never gets any easier hearing that it is highly unlikely that I can get pregnant naturally and the odds don’t seem much better with treatment. I keep trying to be positive but simultaneously not get my hopes up. Those are conflicting states to be in. Luckily, Matt has enough optimism for the both of us. 6/14/2016 0 Comments AcupunctureI recently stumbled onto a Lady Gaga quote, “You have to stop crying and you have to kick some ass.” I feel like I really need to take action and try new things. I normally like to think I’m a logical, scientific person. However, it seems desperation will take you to new experiences.
Yesterday I tried acupuncture for the first time. He asked me many questions, took my pulse and said my pulse is weak and I have low qi (chi) and this could be causing my “malfunction.” While the therapist was explaining to me about meridian lines and qi, I couldn’t help but think about the four humors. Part of me was waiting on him to bust out some tarot cards and predict my future. But, I sat patiently and thought, “What the hell? I may as well try it.” When I tuned back in, he was explaining that the acupuncture will help “awaken” my organs and increase blood flow. Then we went into a small room with no visual stimulation on the walls. He put three needles into each arm, some in my stomach and some on each of my legs and feet. I really could not feel the needles going in until he went back and “manipulated” them. I could feel slight cramping of my muscles in my left arm and left foot. It did go away quickly. Then he put a heat lamp directed at my belly and left me for 20 minutes. My busy brain was going crazy. Nothing to look at. No one to text. Then, my nose started to itch. I was terrified to move my arms because of the needles. It was a long twenty minutes with an itchy nose while I felt like the guy from Hellraiser. Finally, the therapist came back in and took the needles out. I managed to quickly scratch my nose before he asked me to flip over so he could put glass cups on my back for the cupping process. They were hot and I could feel my skin being sucked into the cups. It was oddly relieving. Of course, all I could think about was the episode from Supernatural where there was a fat sucking monster sucking fat from people at spas while they did cupping. After a few minutes, the therapist came back and removed the cups and we were all done. I checked the mirror to see if there were any marks that would indicate he was a fat sucking monster and removed some of my fat as a bonus… No such luck. But I did have 8 gnarly bruises that made me look like I had been attacked by an octopus. Within minutes of leaving my stomach began fluttering constantly and later that evening it was cramping pretty badly. Perhaps my reproductive organs have been “awakened.” I was completely exhausted all night and slept great. I have heard many women swear by acupuncture so hopefully this is helpful whether it’s completely logical or not. We have our next appointment with the fertility specialist in a little over an hour. Hopefully, we can get started on other treatments soon. 6/8/2016 0 Comments Open for BusinessI am completely exhausted. In the last 24 hours I've had a cocktail of prednisone with 150 mg of benadryl, 1600mg of ibuprofen and some antibiotics. I had to start my cocktail last night at 9:15, my second dose at 4:15am and the third dose at 9:15. I had to take my ibuprofen at 9:45 and more when I got home with an antibiotic. I am not much of a medicine taker especially since we started TTC. My face is hot and red, my heart is racing, my legs are restless, and my stomach is cramping horribly. I feel like I've been hit and dragged by a bus. BUT, our second HSG showed my fallopian tubes are OPEN! The first HSG could have shown blocked tubes because of spasms or mucous plugs that had been flushed out by the dye.
I read an article that said sixty percent of women who test "positive" for blocked tubes don't actually have blocked tubes. That's huge! I wish doctor's would tell you that upfront instead of making you wait 3 weeks! At the hospital, I was shocked again by the other women waiting for their HSG. They were both so healthy, young, and beautiful. I think I find ways to blame myself for this experience even though I know I shouldn't. Seeing these women reminds me of how it can happen to anyone for, seemingly, no logical reasons. Next steps: waiting (shocker). We must wait to get another appointment to discuss medications to get my hormones back on track. Despite my exhaustion, I feel hopeful. I am so nervous to feel hopeful because I know disappointments are only getting harder. We could get pregnant very quickly or it could take years or it could never happen. It is a hard for me to feel so out of control of my future. I've always been able to set goals, create a plan, and meet my goals. Now I just have hope and waiting. I love a good quote (obviously if you've been reading my blog). I was watching Criminal Minds the other day and heard another fabulous C.S. Lewis quote: "Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." I am learning patience... or at least faking it until I (hopefully) make it. 6/4/2016 0 Comments Weekends are hardWeekends are hard. As hard as it is to get up in the morning, shower, and go to work, unstructured time is hard too.
What better way to spend a nice Saturday? You might guess going to yardsales. That's what I thought anyway. The first yardsale we went to had Charlie Brown books and beautiful Disney lithographs from all of my favorite movies. In no way do I want to belittle or offend those with bipolar disorder, but I think I can relate. The hope I sometimes allow myself to feel can send me on emotional highs that make me drop $60 at CVS on a month's supply of store brand ovulation test strips and gimmicky "fertility enhancers" (which I did last night). When I saw these Disney lithographs, I immediately plummeted from my "hopeful high." I wanted them all. I wanted to frame them and put them in a nursery and buy all the cutesy little books. But then I remembered that I can't be that hopeful. Later in the day we were able to pry ourselves off the couch and away from the TV to do some much needed yard-work. While I was pulling weeds, I remembered how I used to help my mom pull weeds from her flowerbed. Again, that deep pain my stomach that sucks the air right out of my lungs when I am faced with yet another thing I may never get to experience. I may never get my own little garden helper. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by reminders of memories I may never have. I feel robbed. I feel a level of sadness I didn't know was possible. It's these days that make me try to convince myself I don't even want a baby. No matter what I tell myself, I can't seem to convince myself. I almost hate our house. It feels like a constant reminder of my naivete. Back when I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me and anything was possible. Back when I could hear the pitter patter of little feet and imagine our Doctor Who themed nursery. Now all I can see is a house that's too big for two people. This house almost echoes with emptiness. I don't know what I would do without my husband who is hopelessly optimistic. It's so easy to believe your broken and useless. He reminds me frequently that he loves me no matter what. He just holds me without questions when I spontaneously burst into tears. I like to think I could end every post with a little humor or hope. But I am struggling today. We did finish season 2 of Grace and Frankie today. This show has so many excellent, poignant and/or sarcastic quotes that are perfect if you feel like your life is falling apart. I will end this post with a quote from Babe: "Inhale peace. Exhale joy." 6/3/2016 0 Comments Feeling HopefulInfertility is not for the impatient. I have been waiting all week for the doctor to call to discuss our options now that our insurance is refusing to pay for the laparoscopic surgery. The doctor finally called back today. I’ve always heard if you ask 10 different doctors you get 10 different answers. At this fertility clinic I have been working with two different doctors. The first doctor told me that I had one tube definitely blocked and one tube that was likely blocked but he could not say definitively. Now, this doctor is saying he thinks the tube just has a “normal variant” instead of a blockage and it should be completely fine. He also thinks the other tube was just having a spasm based on the way the dye appeared in my system. So, he would like to do another HSG test to see if they can get the dye to go through.
I don’t know if I should feel infuriated or hopeful. On one hand, this is great news that I could have perfectly fine fallopian tubes. One the other hand, it seems they just wanted the insurance money from doing a surgery that almost seems unnecessary to me now. Of course, now that we’ve already completed one HSG test the health insurance will not pay for a second. This cost will be $708. Not great… but far less than $5,000. If this test comes out favorably we will start hormone treatments. To leave you guys with one more Grace and Frankie quote (Seriously guys, if you haven’t watched this show pencil it in to your weekend plans): Sol asks Grace to go to his house to pick up some things and asks Grace, “Are you sure you’re okay with doing this?” Grace replies, “I’ve learned to live with a very flexible definition of okay.” |
Heather Joyce
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