10/26/2016 0 Comments CancelledLast night I checked my mail and discovered my IUI socks came in the mail. I decided to order a pair after seeing so many other women with them. They say, "think positive" with two lines representing a positive pregnancy test beneath and "baby Joyce" beneath that. I thought for sure these would be our lucky socks.
This morning I woke up to a surprise "peak ovulation" test. This was 2 days earlier than expected. I just knew it was our lucky socks. I was so excited! I woke up my husband and shared the good news. I was happily bouncing around getting ready for work -- humming "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base. I had an acupuncture appointment scheduled before work. I called the doctor on the way and they scheduled us for the afternoon to do our IUI. I went to my acupuncture appointment feeling good. They charged me $79 instead of $80! Lucky socks strike again! I get to work finding paperwork to occupy my mind while I counted down the minutes until our appointment. Finally, time to go to our appointment! I turn on spotify to find my daily recommendation was a "stress free playlist." Yes. Good thing to have before our IUI. Those lucky socks sure are working. I get to the office and realized they were closed for lunch. Our appointment is the first one after lunch. I realized that meant we shouldn't be behind schedule. This IS our lucky day. We go in for our follicle scan to make sure there is a follicle on my left side since I don't have a tube on the right side. Perfect uterine lining. "Excellent," the doctor called it. There it was. A big, juicy follicle. Perfect size.......on the right side. And absolutely nothing on the left side. Zilch. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. In fact, I had to pay $175 for this news. I was trying so hard not to cry. There was a nurse, a resident, and the doctor. Because, of course, everyone has to be in the room to look at all your parts AND watch you cry. But then, I just didn't care anymore. The doctor asked if I was okay. "No." was all I could muster out. He then went on to explain what we could try next time. I honestly don't even remember what he said. He let me get dressed. Matt and I just hugged and cried for a while. What else can you do? I made it home. I cried the whole way. I all but crawled into bed where River and Maxwell joined me. I'm pretty sure it is a bad sign when River will stay by my side when Maxwell is near and Maxwell has the self control not to pounce on River. I don't think I have ever felt such an intense, emotional pain. There is no escaping it. There is no medicine to make it go away. I just weep. The kind of weep where you think a whimper will come out, but what comes out sounds more like a wolf howling. I wish there were words that could describe this kind of pain so that those who haven't experienced this could better understand. I wish people would understand that just because I am young does not mean that time is on my side. I wish I could just peek into the future to know that either we will have a baby someday or we will be okay without having a baby. There are so many things I wish for. I wish I could just wallow in self pity until the end of time. I wish we could just skip Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, I can't do any of these things. I just have to pick up the pieces that are left and try to make do. "No matter how much it hurts. No matter how hard it gets. We gotta keep grinding." --Dean Winchester
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10/20/2016 2 Comments Don't Miss OutIt has been quite a while since my last post. I haven’t felt terribly inspired lately. How many “I cried today because I saw a family waiting for the bus with their children” posts can I write? (This is a true by the way…happened yesterday.) I’ve just been trying to take one (excruciatingly long) day at a time. This week (minus a few mood swings) has been pretty good overall. I’ve just tried to stay as busy as possible to pass the time. I’m really trying to find ways to fit in more enjoyable activities and not just crawl into a hole every day. This week I’ve had coffee with a friend after work, starting going back to yoga last week, started acupuncture again yesterday, and went out with a friend tonight, too. Being busy is the best thing to do when you’re infertile. You have to find ways to keep living. It’s so easy to let infertility consume every single thought during all your waking hours.
One thing I’ve learned that I did not know is that you should definitely not take Ibuprofen when you are trying to get pregnant. Because Ibuprofen reduces inflammation, it can interfere with your ovulation (which is essentially a time of inflammation._ Last month, I had a terrible headache during my ovulation period and was taking Ibuprofen every day for two or three days and my ovulation was delayed by three days which then led to my period being three days late. Not sure if this is what kept us from getting pregnant…but it probably didn’t help. So, yesterday I had another horrendous headache. I’ve been trying so hard not to take anything this cycle, but, I could not stand it anymore. I went to CVS to see what I could take. I asked the pharmacist if there’s any drug interactions with Letrozole. She looks it up and says no I should be fine. She comes out from behind the counter to show me where the Tylenol was…and… of course… she’s extremely pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break. Earlier that morning on the way to work, I completely broke down in the car when I drove past a driveway with a family waiting for the bus together. I couldn’t help but wish I was that family. So, there I was buying Tylenol from a pregnant woman… They’re everywhere I tell ya. I think I could spot one pregnant woman in a sea of 5000 people. Maybe it’s some kind of superpower… I went to acupuncture yesterday. I tried finding a new place to go after the man made me cry, but everywhere else is so much more expensive. So, I tossed my dignity (what little I have left anyway) to the side and went back. I do really believe the acupuncture helped me get pregnant last time. I also think it helped my overall wellbeing. I felt like I had more energy and less depressed. The acupuncturist was very excited to hear we got pregnant and seemed very optimistic. I also started my Letrozole yesterday. So far, I don’t think I’ve had any side effects. After having a super fun dinner with a friend tonight, I was in such a good mood. I haven’t laughed like that in ages. I didn’t quite want to come home. I decided to just drive around with some good music blasting loud. On my 15th birthday I woke up with Bell’s palsy. On the way home from the neurologist, my parents took me to Wal-Mart to buy a birthday present. I picked up the Jimmy Eat World CD “Bleed American.” I listened to that CD to death while I had Bell’s Palsy. Almost 14 years later, I still gravitate towards that album when things feel crappy. I could listen to “A Praise Chorus” a hundred times in a row and never get sick of it. While I know this song is not about Bell’s Palsy or infertility, my favorite lyric is, “Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you’ve missed out?” I always find myself coming back to this when I feel like I’m letting myself miss out on life for whatever reason. My other favorite song on this album is “The Middle.” The hook of the song, “It takes some time. Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright, alright. It just takes some time.” Driving around tonight listening to these two songs and a few other songs I loved as a teenager, made me feel so free. When I got to the turn to our house I just kept driving. I love driving on our curvy, country roads. We live in a beautiful area (even at nighttime.) I was thinking about the four psychological needs (love, power, freedom, fun.) I think driving around listening to good music simultaneously fulfills all of these needs for me. So our current plan is to take this Letrozole for five days (currently on day two). Next Thursday we go in for an ultrasound to see how many follicles I have on my good side. If we have a good follicle they will instruct us when to do the trigger shot (could be that day) and then we will make a plan to do the IUI. I assume it will be the day after the trigger shot, but I surprisingly didn’t even ask. If we don’t have a good sized follicle on the side I have a Fallopian tube then we are out this month and we will have to try again next month. So we are keeping our fingers and toes crossed, hoping for a good follicle on the correct side. “I’m on my feet. I’m on the floor. I’m good to go.” – A Praise Chorus |
Heather Joyce
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