3/7/2017 0 Comments And then there was oneI'm not even sure how to start this post. I'm tired. I look like a junkie. I just keep getting bad news.
We went back Sunday for a follicle scan. The follicle on my left ovary grew a pretty good amount. One follicle shrank on my right side and the other one only grew one or two millimeters. They're supposed to grow 2 mm a day. It was pretty devastating news. I just held on to the hope that it would be like last time and it would just take some extra time. So this morning we went back for another scan. I saw the ultrasound and realized I only saw one follicle on the right side. It was nice and big. It was 18mm which is where they want it for the trigger shot. Where was the other follicle?! Gone...mostly. it was 5 mm. I had NO idea your follicles could shrink and go away. In my mind, that egg was already a baby. We were going to make it this month and have at least one more for another baby. But no. They checked the left side. It was only 15mm. Most likely, it will not be big enough to retrieve. So here we are, back where we were last time with one good egg. I thought for sure we would have at least two good eggs and I was really banking on that third one. On top of all this, the letrozole thinned my lining too much. We likely won't be able to do a fresh transfer because my endometrial lining is too thin for the embryo to attach. So if this follicle has an egg and if it fertilized and divides as its supposed to and if we get to freeze and if it survives thawing we can transfer but it will be over 2 months away. If we get that far and it doesn't work that means it will be months before we even get to start talking about donor eggs. So many ifs. If we had gotten pregnant the first month we tried (as it seems everyone else does), we would have a 15 month old baby. I can't stop thinking how different my life would be if I had a 15 month old baby. I have missed out on 24 months of the experience of being a mother. I know there are women who try for 10 years or even more before they get their baby. But I can't imagine doing that. I do not have much left in me. I'm not as strong as those women. I'm so bitter that I'm in this hell. I want to either give up a rend just live my life in whatever way I can or hurry up and get pregnant. I can't keep grieving month after month and not live a real life. I feel so trapped. My current best case scenario would be to have a baby next February. That is mind boggling. This is such a mind boggling process. I don't think anything can prepare you for how long this can take. Some people believe in multiverses. I'm not sure I do, but I like the idea. This is the idea that there's other hypothetical sets of universes in which we live. I like to think there's another universe where we started trying to have a baby sooner and got pregnant. I like to think I'm very happy and appreciative of my chance at motherhood. But I'd give anything to be in that universe. We have our consult with CNY at 7am tomorrow to talk about the donor egg process. Our retrieval is Thursday morning. Hopefully, we get at least one egg. Hopefully, it fertilizes with the ICSI this time. Hopefully, it makes it to freeze. Hopefully, it thaws. Hopefully, it sticks. Hopefully, hopefully. "Hope is the thing with feathers." -- Emily Dickinson
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Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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