3/7/2017 0 Comments And then there was oneI'm not even sure how to start this post. I'm tired. I look like a junkie. I just keep getting bad news.
We went back Sunday for a follicle scan. The follicle on my left ovary grew a pretty good amount. One follicle shrank on my right side and the other one only grew one or two millimeters. They're supposed to grow 2 mm a day. It was pretty devastating news. I just held on to the hope that it would be like last time and it would just take some extra time. So this morning we went back for another scan. I saw the ultrasound and realized I only saw one follicle on the right side. It was nice and big. It was 18mm which is where they want it for the trigger shot. Where was the other follicle?! Gone...mostly. it was 5 mm. I had NO idea your follicles could shrink and go away. In my mind, that egg was already a baby. We were going to make it this month and have at least one more for another baby. But no. They checked the left side. It was only 15mm. Most likely, it will not be big enough to retrieve. So here we are, back where we were last time with one good egg. I thought for sure we would have at least two good eggs and I was really banking on that third one. On top of all this, the letrozole thinned my lining too much. We likely won't be able to do a fresh transfer because my endometrial lining is too thin for the embryo to attach. So if this follicle has an egg and if it fertilized and divides as its supposed to and if we get to freeze and if it survives thawing we can transfer but it will be over 2 months away. If we get that far and it doesn't work that means it will be months before we even get to start talking about donor eggs. So many ifs. If we had gotten pregnant the first month we tried (as it seems everyone else does), we would have a 15 month old baby. I can't stop thinking how different my life would be if I had a 15 month old baby. I have missed out on 24 months of the experience of being a mother. I know there are women who try for 10 years or even more before they get their baby. But I can't imagine doing that. I do not have much left in me. I'm not as strong as those women. I'm so bitter that I'm in this hell. I want to either give up a rend just live my life in whatever way I can or hurry up and get pregnant. I can't keep grieving month after month and not live a real life. I feel so trapped. My current best case scenario would be to have a baby next February. That is mind boggling. This is such a mind boggling process. I don't think anything can prepare you for how long this can take. Some people believe in multiverses. I'm not sure I do, but I like the idea. This is the idea that there's other hypothetical sets of universes in which we live. I like to think there's another universe where we started trying to have a baby sooner and got pregnant. I like to think I'm very happy and appreciative of my chance at motherhood. But I'd give anything to be in that universe. We have our consult with CNY at 7am tomorrow to talk about the donor egg process. Our retrieval is Thursday morning. Hopefully, we get at least one egg. Hopefully, it fertilizes with the ICSI this time. Hopefully, it makes it to freeze. Hopefully, it thaws. Hopefully, it sticks. Hopefully, hopefully. "Hope is the thing with feathers." -- Emily Dickinson
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3/3/2017 0 Comments March 03rd, 2017This has undoubtedly been the longest week ever. I think… I’m not actually sure. I hear that after you have a baby your brain blocks out how bad childbirth is so that you’ll want to have more babies. Apparently, the same thing happens during fertility treatments. I hear that most people love Letrozole way more than Clomid because they have zero side effects. I only did Clomid once and it was everything I heard it would be, but my Letrozole experience isn’t much better. I have been so sick all week. On Tuesday, I was beyond sick. I have no doubt if I hadn’t been trapped in the hell of back to back meetings I would’ve gone home early. I had the worst headache. I was barely functioning. I was mostly a lukewarm body in a room. I couldn’t wait to get home. I passed out as soon as I walked in the door and slept for two hours. I felt somewhat better when I woke up. I took two Tylenol (only thing I’m allowed to take), my fertility drugs and vitamins ate a little dinner and went back to sleep by 9:30. Unfortunately because I slept so much, I woke up at 2:30am from hot flashes and then again at 4:30am because I was shivering. I had just fallen back asleep when my alarm went off. Wednesday was a sleepless blur. Yesterday wasn’t much better. This has been a very busy work week for me and I must say I’m shocked I’ve gotten so much work done. It’s been very validating to know I have made it to Friday.
Normally, I can feel my ovaries become engorged. The month that I didn’t respond to Letrozole and had zero follicles I only felt heavier in my uterus. That’s how I’ve felt all week. I was convinced I’d have to do this again next month. I’ve certainly had my fair share of breakdowns this week but luckily all in the comfort of my own home. My poor husband. I was a nervous wreck this morning waiting for our doctor’s appointment. I spilled coffee (decaf…mostly just coffee flavored water) all over myself fresh off the Keurig. I burned my chest like no other. I had to change my shirt and my skin was on fire. I cried and yelled. Most of the time I feel like I’m just walking around trying to carry all of my broken pieces in my arms and then I’ll get knocked over and drop all the pieces. Sometimes it’s hard to pick up all the pieces and I leave some behind. Spilling coffee all over myself this morning made me feel like I dropped all my pieces. Infertility is so heavy. The smallest thing can quickly become the biggest thing and you just can’t carry it anymore. So we went into our appointment with very little hope. When the doctor quickly saw two good sized follicles I could not believe my ears or eyes. Even Matt said he saw the two follicles next each other. It’s amazing how quickly you feel like an amateur ultrasound reader. Then the doctor said my left ovary even has a follicle. Way to finally show up left ovary! I was convinced it was dead and had nothing left to offer. My follicles are currently 9mm, 11mm, and 12mm. Before we left they took my blood and gave me some medications that had been donated by someone who became pregnant before using all their meds. I got my bloodwork results and our instructions for tonight. We are doing 150iu of Gonal-f tonight and tomorrow and one prefilled syringe (yay!) of Ganirelix (no clue if that’s spelled right and I’m too lazy to look it up) tonight and tomorrow at 10:15pm! What?! That’s past my bedtime. If only I could figure out a way to have my husband do the shot while I’m asleep…something tells me that won’t go well. At least it’s the weekend. We will take that medication until my trigger shot. The doctor called a bit ago to talk about if we want to do a fresh or frozen transfer. I did not realize until recently that a frozen transfer takes 8 weeks of preparation! WHAT?! WHO KNEW THIS?! Not me…obviously the doctors and everyone who has done one did. This also requires more medication that costs about $500 or so. Recent research has shown a frozen transfer increases your odds of pregnancy by about 10%. BUT, they have no idea why. The hypothesis is that your hormone levels are SO high (like normally your estrogen is in the 200 range and on IVF drugs it goes over 2000) that your body isn’t really ready for a transfer. With my case because I’m not producing 15 or 25 eggs because my ovaries are toast, my estrogen levels are within a more natural range. So, a fresh transfer could be fine but there’s no real way of knowing. In my blissfully ignorant state I thought we could say, “If there’s more than one embryo let’s transfer it fresh and freeze the rest.” The problem is they want to transfer the embryo on day three, but they have to be frozen on day 5 or 6. So we really won’t know if there’s more than one or not if we are lucky enough to retrieve more than one egg. So we have to make up our minds by Sunday-ish. So many serious decisions. I’m LITERALLY counting my chickens before they hatch. All day I kept thinking, “Three follicles! This is amazing!” We could have three eggs. And we could have three eggs. But just because we have three follicles doesn’t mean we will have three eggs. These follicles could all be empty. But in my mind there’s already three eggs and they’ve already fertilized. I can’t help it. Despite my naturally pessimistic demeanor these eggs are embryos and they’ve already implanted and I’m going to be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. I have to constantly keep reminding myself this is the first step out of countless more steps to get pregnant and deliver a baby. I’ve had so many people ask me lately, “Why can’t they just go in and get your eggs?” I think this question stems from the mis-information we’ve all received that “women are born with all the eggs they’re ever going to have.” Which is a true statement. However, all of these people (including myself) are under the impression that our ovaries are full of all the eggs we are ever going to have and they’re just in there for the taking. That is not the case. The whole IVF process is to get the eggs to maturity so they’re able to be fertilized. If only it were as simple as going in to get the eggs. I’m really sad by how little women know about their bodies. I’ve even had women tell me if I just have more sex, I’ll start my period. Having sex has absolutely nothing to do with starting your period. It’s all about your hormone levels. Having sex does not alter those. I firmly believe this experience has made me want to advocate for better sex-ed classes in school. We should have the right to be taught about our bodies. I really don’t think teaching kids real stuff about their bodies is going to suddenly make them all go wild and have sex all over the place (they’re doing this regardless). And if it does, maybe they’ll be better informed about why they should use condoms and other birth controls. Knowledge is power. In my current Letrozole stupor, this has become a very rambly blog post. I’m reading Amy Schumer’s book at the moment, so I will end with a quote from her. She is my spirit animal. “I am a hot blood fighter and I am fearless.” I don’t always feel like this at all, but I love this quote and I love Amy. So I will keep channeling my inner Amy Schumer until this cycle is over. Our next appointment is Sunday. |
Heather Joyce
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