10/26/2016 0 Comments CancelledLast night I checked my mail and discovered my IUI socks came in the mail. I decided to order a pair after seeing so many other women with them. They say, "think positive" with two lines representing a positive pregnancy test beneath and "baby Joyce" beneath that. I thought for sure these would be our lucky socks.
This morning I woke up to a surprise "peak ovulation" test. This was 2 days earlier than expected. I just knew it was our lucky socks. I was so excited! I woke up my husband and shared the good news. I was happily bouncing around getting ready for work -- humming "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base. I had an acupuncture appointment scheduled before work. I called the doctor on the way and they scheduled us for the afternoon to do our IUI. I went to my acupuncture appointment feeling good. They charged me $79 instead of $80! Lucky socks strike again! I get to work finding paperwork to occupy my mind while I counted down the minutes until our appointment. Finally, time to go to our appointment! I turn on spotify to find my daily recommendation was a "stress free playlist." Yes. Good thing to have before our IUI. Those lucky socks sure are working. I get to the office and realized they were closed for lunch. Our appointment is the first one after lunch. I realized that meant we shouldn't be behind schedule. This IS our lucky day. We go in for our follicle scan to make sure there is a follicle on my left side since I don't have a tube on the right side. Perfect uterine lining. "Excellent," the doctor called it. There it was. A big, juicy follicle. Perfect size.......on the right side. And absolutely nothing on the left side. Zilch. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. In fact, I had to pay $175 for this news. I was trying so hard not to cry. There was a nurse, a resident, and the doctor. Because, of course, everyone has to be in the room to look at all your parts AND watch you cry. But then, I just didn't care anymore. The doctor asked if I was okay. "No." was all I could muster out. He then went on to explain what we could try next time. I honestly don't even remember what he said. He let me get dressed. Matt and I just hugged and cried for a while. What else can you do? I made it home. I cried the whole way. I all but crawled into bed where River and Maxwell joined me. I'm pretty sure it is a bad sign when River will stay by my side when Maxwell is near and Maxwell has the self control not to pounce on River. I don't think I have ever felt such an intense, emotional pain. There is no escaping it. There is no medicine to make it go away. I just weep. The kind of weep where you think a whimper will come out, but what comes out sounds more like a wolf howling. I wish there were words that could describe this kind of pain so that those who haven't experienced this could better understand. I wish people would understand that just because I am young does not mean that time is on my side. I wish I could just peek into the future to know that either we will have a baby someday or we will be okay without having a baby. There are so many things I wish for. I wish I could just wallow in self pity until the end of time. I wish we could just skip Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, I can't do any of these things. I just have to pick up the pieces that are left and try to make do. "No matter how much it hurts. No matter how hard it gets. We gotta keep grinding." --Dean Winchester
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Heather Joyce
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