3/24/2017 0 Comments Beta DayLast night I decided I better look at egg donors in case luck wasn’t on our side. I logged into my new CNY patient portal. It was kind of overwhelming. When the screen loaded there were lots of pictures and profiles. I wasn’t really expecting the pictures. I’m not feeling overly picky about an egg donor…or at least I didn’t think I was. Out of the 94 candidates there was one that met my (very short) criteria list. All I wanted was someone relatively short, brown hair and green eyes. I scrolled through the page a few times looking to see how many people met my criteria. Some were too tall, their pictures were a huge turn off, etc. I’m shocked at what these people think are appropriate pictures. Some had extremely poor resolution cell phone selfies. Some had very expensive looking professional photos. Some had on way too much make-up or emo looking clothing. I got very picky. I only even looked at 4 profiles. The first person I found I liked quite a bit. She’s very cute and young. Long straight brown hair like I used to have. Her face was kind of the same shape as mine, but she was pretty. The profiles on the donors were very intense. It was a very thorough and descriptive. Some even uploaded baby pictures. This donor did not have a very cute baby photo. Who knew you’d suddenly be so picky?! I looked through her profile and she has no real family history of any diseases. She was raised by a hard working single mother. Her favorite color is purple (my second favorite color). She considers herself average at school (3.0 high school GPA and 3.5 GPA in trade school). She reported her talents to be music and espiecally art. She reported that she is extroverted, optimistic, and easy going. She likes cats and she’s indecisive. There’s some similarities there. But I couldn’t help but notice that…she wasn’t me. None of these women were me.
So I scrolled back through the other two profiles I was moderately interested in. One reported she often didn’t understand jokes. NOPE. That one is off the table. The other woman was a bit older and had significant family medical issues. Meh… The other woman described her “worst feature” as being overly shy and viewed as standoff-ish. Meh… So back to our donor. I looked at her profile again and decided that she would do. I had an instant internet connection with our cat Maxwell when I saw his adoption photo online, so a donor shouldn’t be that much different right? So, this morning at 2:00am I woke up. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep. At 4:00am I woke up again. I could not force myself to go back to sleep. I wanted to do a pregnancy test so bad, but I knew I shouldn’t. So I just stayed in the bed. We did our morning shot ritual. Normally, our cat Maxwell supervises all of our shots, but this morning our cat River was on guard. She really looked genuinely concerned. It was cute. I got to the doctor’s office before they even opened and there was a couple waiting for the elevator. We awkwardly rode the elevator together. I noticed their IVF packet it in their hands. I wanted to tell them everything would be all right. But, I didn’t want to lie. Within minutes of arriving several other patients had already arrived. They were down two nurses and it took longer than anticipated. The nurse told me it could be awhile before I got my results because they were short-handed. So, I went to work. I finally got the call I was waiting for, but I was in a meeting with someone and just couldn’t bring myself to answer even though he knew my whole story. I knew it would be negative and I didn’t know if I could get through the building and into my car without drawing attention to myself. So, when I finally got to my car I listened to the voicemail. She masked her voice well. I really couldn’t tell if it was sad or not. But I figured if it was positive she wouldn’t have said, “Call when you get this message.” I didn’t feel anything. I knew it was negative. I called back, but they didn’t answer. I had to leave a message. I waited and waited. And waited and waited. I finally went home and did a pregnancy test. When I had my ectopic pregnancy the test almost immediately popped up “pregnant.” As soon as the timer started spinning I knew it was negative. While the timer was spinning I got a work related phone call. I don’t think she had any idea I was waiting to find out if I wanted to keep living or not. It finally popped up “Not pregnant.” Nothing happened on the inside. Nothing. I just tossed it in the trash. When I finally got off the phone I texted my husband. I worked while I waited for the doctor to call. I got another work related phone call. While on that call the doctor called. I had to answer. The nurse told me it was negative. Again, no emotional or physical response on my part. I told her we had already found a donor in Syracuse that we liked and asked how many donors they have in their pool. They have four. I figure if out of 94 women I only liked one, I’m not going to like one of their four better than the one in Syracuse. Plus, I’m sick of waiting. Staying with our clinic is only going to result in more waiting. There will be waiting with Syracuse, but not as much. So after I finished my work call, I called my husband to let him know it was official. His reaction was the first thing that gave me any kind of response. I felt gutted that I couldn’t give him a baby …especially for his birthday. We talked about our donor and I said I’d call CNY to let them know we want to proceed. It turns out they don’t answer the phone either and even their voicemail tells you to send an email through the patient portal. So I diligently double checked the number of our donor, even though I had the number memorized from the night before. I had even thought about putting it in this blog, but then got paranoid someone else would realize how awesome she is and try to steal her. Since I messaged them late today, I’m guessing it will be Tuesday before we hear back since the message says they’ll get back to you within 48 hours. I guess that’s one downside of going to a cheap place. Everyone all over the world goes there since it is more affordable. So, I don’t expect our services to be any better than what we’ve currently been getting. I hate that I have to put a price tag on my family. That’s one of the most unfair parts to infertility. So, since we seem to be leaning towards a fresh egg/frozen transfer cycle we will have to go to Syracuse twice: Once to deposit the sperm and once for the transfer (and then any additional transfers if the first one doesn’t stick). I think the worst part of this failure is having the sobering realization that donor eggs might not even work. I can’t even bring myself to think about that. The other caveat is that our egg donor may ultimately change her mind or want to wait to cycle during a particular month. Getting rejected by an egg donor will be devastating especially knowing there's no one else I was even remotely interested in. Over the course of the day, I’ve had a few feelings start to creep in. For a few minutes, I hated every woman that’s ever delivered a healthy baby. I hated everyone woman that’s retrieved double digit number eggs in an egg retrieval. I hated everyone who had a successful IVF or IUI. I hated everyone woman that's complained about being pregnant or made petty jokes or complaints at their kid's expense. But, I hate that I feel that way. Before when I would get negative results I just felt sad. I literally haven’t cried once today. If anything, I just feel angry. Of course the most pervasive feelings/thoughts I’ve had is, “Why would it have worked?” I don’t deserve for this to work. I clearly don’t deserve to be a mother. It is really hard to get myself out of that thought cycle. I’m not really religious. I don’t really talk about this because I know it’s a touchy subject—especially with my beliefs. I do sincerely appreciate everyone’s prayers, but if I ever could’ve believed in God – or any god—I certainly can’t now. Please don’t try to convert me or make me believe. Many have tried and many have failed. You will not be any different. I’ve had many prayer warriors and clearly God isn’t listening. Please don’t say anything like, “he’s just waiting for the right time” or “maybe if you believed in God you would get pregnant.” If you want to say things like that please be prepared to explain to me how people who don’t want children keep having them. Explain to me why women addicted to drugs get pregnant and have multiple babies. Explain to me why parents who physically, emotionally, or neglectfully abuse their children. It is what it is. One lesson I have learned time and time again through this and other life experiences is that people don’t get what they deserve. Bad people get great things and good people get shitty things. It is the way it is. I have to keep reminding myself that. I cannot live in a world where “things happen for a reason.” When our last cycle failed someone texted me, “Remember, things don’t happen for a reason.” It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said during this time. I have to live in that world. Because otherwise I need someone to explain what reason I’m having to endure this. What reason did I wake up every day to receive injections that left me in crippling pain? What reason have we spent almost $30,000 only to have to find a way to scrape up another $20,000 for something else that’s not guaranteed? For what reason do I have to constantly be failed by my body? Even if there’s something that I’ve done to deserve this, what did my husband do to deserve this? Is choosing to have married me so unforgivable he has to be sentenced to a life with no children? As much as I hate myself sometimes, I can’t possibly ever believe that I’m that horrible. From the bottom of our hearts we would like to thank everyone who has sent positive energy, prayed, and check in on us. I must’ve had 2 dozen or so people checking in on me today. It’s nice to fill so special knowing so many people care about us so much. “I’ll be fine they tell me. I won’t die. I’ll just hurt a lot.” – We Were Liars
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Heather Joyce
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