3/23/2017 0 Comments Beta EveOur two week wait is almost over. This has been the longest week ever. But this time tomorrow we will have our beta results and know if we are pregnant or not. I initially thought I’d write a blog post every day during my two week wait. But here I am still unable to describe what this two week wait has been like. It’s my busy season at work so work is really busy. Luckily, that’s kept my mind mostly occupied. Weirdly enough, most of the time I have almost forgotten it’s a two week wait. The progesterone shots are brutal. There is not a spot on my backside that doesn’t hurt when I walk, sit, or lie down. I have been totally brain dead all week – forgot my work bag one day, went to the wrong school one day, almost left my lunch box at work.
People keep texting me to ask, “Do you feel any symptoms?” The answer is: YES. Of course I do. However, they could all be explained by progesterone shots or pure delusion. I’m SO tired. My back hurts, my uterus is heavy and twitchy and crampy, my boobs hurt, and I wake up a couple times a night to go to the bathroom or because I’m having hot flashes. I swear I’ve had “pregnancy brain.” However, I know that this can all be caused by the progesterone side effects. It sucks so much to have these symptoms not knowing if I’m actually pregnant. If I were pregnant I could laugh at work and say, “Oh my gosh. I have pregnancy brain, please excuse me.” or “Man. I’m so tired. I’m pregnant.” But for some reason it’s not quite socially acceptable to say, “Excuse my irritability and flakiness, I’m currently in the process of IVF.” But why is that? So unfair. I recently read an article about a woman who was in television and tried to get the idea of a reality TV show following women in fertility treatments. The company shot the idea down because it would be “too earnest” and it’s a “woman’s issue.” WHAT?! It’s unacceptable to have a show that’s “too earnest,” but perfectly acceptable to have shows like John and Kate Plus 8 or whatever all those other shows are with families with more than 10 kids. Or worse, shows like Dr. Phil or Jersey Shore. Insanity. So anyway, back to the point of this blog. By Tuesday, I was dying to test. But Matt’s birthday was Wednesday so I didn’t want to ruin his birthday if it was negative. There would’ve been no way for me to sneak a test. If it had been positive I would have told him and if it had been negative I would’ve been hysterical. So I told myself I’d test on Thursday. Matt didn’t really want me to test since the doctors told us not to. But this morning rolled around. I got up way before the alarm went off because I had to pee ..because…progesterone… I was in the bed staring at the ceiling trying to decide. I thought about the outcomes. If it was negative I would have to wait for practically two days to find out if it was really negative. But if it was positive, I’d have to wait to find out if it was really positive. I started realizing I was talking myself out of the positive pregnancy test worse than the negative test. If it was positive would it really be positive? Or would it just be a chemical pregnancy? Or would it just be a fluke? When I made the discovery that a positive pregnancy test would actually tear me up worse than a negative test, I decided not to test. If I thought for a day and a half it was positive only to find out it wasn’t….that would be too much. So…I’m going to wait for the blood test. I’m really pretty sure it’s going to be negative. Or at least I’ve done everything in my power to prepare myself for that. You may be thinking, "That’s really negative and you’ll never get pregnant with that attitude" or some other dismissive comment. But, I can’t go into this with a whole heart anymore. This far in, I don’t have the capacity to withstand that kind of disappointment. So, this is all the update I can do for now. I’m tired, grouchy, and I just want to know if I’m pregnant or not. “Waiting for tonight, oh When you would be here in my arms Waiting for tonight, oh I've dreamed of this love for so long Waiting for tonight, oh” – Jennifer Lopez (okay..so I needed something a little fun.)
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Heather Joyce
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