7/8/2016 2 Comments Dog Days of SummerIt has been a long 9 day since my last post. I saw a meme once that said the two week wait must be in dog years. I think this whole process must be in dog years. Each week feels longer than the last.
Clomid symptoms are not for the weak. I feel like I generally have a high pain tolerance so either this stuff really sucks or I am gradually becoming a weaker person. The side effects seemed to come all at once. Everything felt manageable and then: BAM. Barely keeping it together over here. The bloating and cramping is definitely the worst. I would say the pain from the cramping is on par with a kidney stone. The bloating is so bad I’m 5 pounds heavier and I can only button two pairs of pants. I’ve been having horrible night sweats and two sudden onset hot flashes. Getting a sneak preview of menopause is not a positive experience. I’ve also had chest pains that basically feels like there is a rock in my chest. One day I had two giant handfuls of hair fall out. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again. The fatigue is unbelievable. I think I literally fell asleep while I was talking last night and slept for hours. But then, I had horrible insomnia and couldn’t fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. The mood swings are everything I heard they would be. It’s weird when you suddenly become enraged or weepy over really stupid little things. You can see yourself acting a fool. You know you’re being ridiculous. Yet, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Although puffy face is not on the laundry list of side effects I do feel like my face is much fatter than normal. Last night I asked my husband if he thought it looked puffy. He replied (very quickly), “Nope.” So then I asked if he would tell me even if he thought it did and he again replied quickly, “Not while you’re on Clomid.” I’m glad he can still make me laugh even when I’m weepy. I’m also glad he’s brave enough to tempt fate and try to make me laugh. A few days ago I found out my car needed almost $1900 worth of repairs. If I were the religious type, I would really be starting to think that God was trying to send me some signals that I should not have children. It’s really hard to not have those thoughts some days. This past weekend I attended a 10 year reunion to celebrate the first year I worked on a summer camp staff. Our staff created a time capsule in 2006 and vowed to return together to open it in 10 years. It was really cool reminiscing and realizing how far I’ve come in just 10 years. I say “just” because it has gone by so fast. It’s so easy to lose sight of who you are and what you’ve accomplished on this journey. Ten years ago I would never have guessed I would be married to a loving husband, be a home owner, and have a full-fledged career in the locality of my choosing. I have the cutest Mini Cooper (although Agent Cooper and I did have a stumbling block in our relationship this week). Although the recent very expensive repairs sucked I didn’t have to declare bankruptcy after paying for it to be fixed. I have taken many trips overseas and visited many different states. I also have the three best cats I could’ve ever found. I have incredible co-workers and a fantastic hair dresser. I have the best and most supportive friends and family someone could ask for. I also forget how lucky I am to live just down the road from a fertility clinic. Some people live hours away and have to take significant time off work in order to get the treatments they need. Some people could never even consider affording these treatments. Yesterday when I was thinking of all the things I had to be thankful for I felt a little bit like Ariel: “Look at this stuff. Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?” I have so much to be thankful for and yet I still pine for a little one. We are hopeful to have our IUI (aka turkey baster treatment) soon. I was really hoping I would ovulate on Saturday or Sunday. My OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) still say low fertility. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t getting a little paranoid that I’m not going to ovulate. I know the medicine can delay ovulation. Or at least that’s what I keep saying to myself over and over. I know the odds are not forever in our favor with this treatment, but I REALLY need this to work. I found a Jane Austen quote that I really love: “I am half agony, half hope.” I can’t think of a more poignant, succinct way to describe infertility. If I could conceive a baby on despair and sarcasm I would surely half a baker’s dozen already. Until then, I will keep my fingers (and toes) crossed hoping for the smiley face that indicates we can move on to the next step.
2 Comments
Kristine Wade
7/8/2016 06:39:05 pm
Haha, you know I had to stick my 2 cents in. I did 5 clomed cycles. I just kept thinking one more would do the trick. You describe the symptoms perfectly. I am a believer in God's plan and I still question even after adoption. Maybe I should have tried one more but life goes on and you will find your way to motherhood. I KNOW it's hard!! Try to hang in !
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Heather Joyce
7/8/2016 06:43:25 pm
Shew! I can't imagine 5 cycles!! I really hope I don't have to do this 5 times.
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Heather Joyce
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