Today was a big day! (And it's only 9:30). This morning I started my daily PIO shots. I have been DREADING these. I absolutely hated them last time. The shot isn't horrible, but my butt got so sore afterwards and it felt like it never healed between shots. I felt like my butt was sore for a week after stopping the shots. So these shots were SO intimidating to me.
Last night I started watching YouTube videos of women giving themselves their PIO shots. I am immensely grateful for these women who are willing to do these things! I found one video of a woman who was on her 7th round of IVF. I cannot imagine. Even if IVF was free I'm not sure I could have done it 7 times. She said she felt like it was easier to do the PIO herself. It gave her more control over a totally out of control experience. That resonated with me because that's how I felt doing my own stimming meds. I'm also glad that I did some of my own stimming shots because that was easy practice compared to the PIO. So, after watching many videos I decided it would be a good idea to draw the quarters on my butt so that I knew where to do the shot. I have the WORST visual-spatial skills and drawing on myself with a mirror was pretty difficult. I'm sure it was a sight to witness. I used a blue Sharpie marker and quartered off my butt and made the triangle area that was good to go for. But I had no idea if I was in the right spot so I took a picture and sent it to a nurse friend. She confirmed it looked like the right area. I was feeling pretty good about it. Later I went to the bathroom and realized there was a blue mark on the toilet seat. I was like, "Hmm..that's weird." Then a few hours later I went back to the bathroom and there was another blue mark. It dawned on me. It must have been the Sharpie that transferred from my butt to the toilet seat! I laughed at myself. I tried to clean the mark off, but it wouldn't budge. I did some googling and realized it's alcohol soluble. Luckily, I have a lifetime supply of alcohol swabs from all these injections and it came right off. Oh, the misadventures of infertility. When I tried going to bed, it was useless. I'm pretty sure I didn't go to bed until after 1am. I just kept tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. Then at 6:30am my brain decided to wake up and worry about it some more. You're supposed to take the shots at the same time every day (within one hour on each side), so I didn't want to take the shot too early. My cat River noticed I was awake and decided it was cuddle time. We cuddled for a long time. Then I got up and tried to kill time until 8:00. At 7:40 I started prepping. It took so long to get the medicine into the syringe. I kept staring at the blue triangle outlined on my butt. I kept repeating to myself the directions. "Make sure you don't have weight on that leg. Don't forget to pull the skin. Check for blood. Don't forget to check for blood. Don't forget to massage the area." I channeled my inner Tina Belcher and kept repeating, "I am a smart, strong sensual woman." I repeated it over and over to myself. Every time I would touch the needle to my skin my stomach would sink. My heart would race. After the third try, I started to panic. I almost started crying. I kept telling myself I could cry afterwards, but not before. I was on the verge of a panic attack for sure. My breath was fast and shallow. When I realized I was seriously panicking I just stick the needle in. I pulled back on the syringe to check for blood. No blood. Then I injected the slow moving oil. It was all in. My ears were ringing. My head was swimming. I threw the needle down and ran to the bed to lie down. Then I laughed at myself. It really wasn't that bad at all. But I still felt a little sick. I ran back over to properly dispose of my needle before a cat got into it. I could not find the cap anywhere! After blaming the cats and looking all over the house, I finally found it in the sharp's container! I have no clue why I put it in there. Maybe in anticipation of a cat trying to get it. After having done this highly intimidating shot, I feel fierce. One thing infertility has done is shown me how much stronger and capable than I ever thought. I have managed to maintain a very restrictive diet, give up caffeine and alcohol, and I've lost a total of 25 pounds! I have endured the absolute worst emotional roller coaster one could ever imagine. Although I'm well aware that ride is not quite over yet. I've been poked and prodded by so many doctors and nurses. I've given myself my own belly shots and now I've given myself my own butt shots. I am kind of glad I've had the opportunity to give myself my own shots. It's liberating and empowering. I've realized one of my new pet peeves is when people say, "I could never do that." I've heard this so many times when I talk about the ketogenic diet and the shots. Yes you can. If you want something bad enough, you can do it. That's why today's quote comes from the new Wonder Woman movie (although I must admit I have not seen it yet..I know I know...I need to!). “You are stronger than you believe. You have greater powers than you know.” -Antiope
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Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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