9/18/2016 2 Comments Hell WeekThis past week has been rough. As with all things infertility, the physical part isn’t so bad. It’s the emotional piece that takes you by surprise. I really thought this surgery would be a (relative) piece of cake. Physically, it really wasn’t all that bad. Emotionally, it was a nightmare.
I was feeling pretty good Tuesday and early Wednesday. I thought for sure I would go back to work on Thursday. Wednesday night I was suddenly overwhelmed. It was an inexplicable feeling that happened very quickly. I became so overwhelmed I had a full blown panic attack over virtually nothing. I was sobbing hysterically. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. When I would get a wave of clarity it wouldn’t last long and I would start all over again. I began to feel like I would never be able to go back to work. I worried I would go to work and somehow get fired. I kept wishing (aloud) that things could just go back to normal. As far as hot messes go, I was the hottest mess (and I don’t mean attractive.) Matt was my rock that he always is. For some reason I kept apologizing for crying. I do not like to cry in front of other people – even him. He kept saying, “If you can’t cry in your own house, where can you cry?” This is true. I cried all night. I started crying while we were watching a TV show where someone got engaged. I kept thinking I would give anything to go back to our engagement/wedding. We were so happy and we had our whole lives in front of us. I would give anything to go back to those times. Even after we went to bed I was still on and off again crying. I kept thinking I should go somewhere else so I wouldn’t wake Matt up. I kept thinking, “There’s lots of books where people find themselves and have epiphanies while crying on bathroom floors.” Maybe I should try that. But I couldn’t move. I could only lay there and weep. I felt so broken. I kept wondering why I wasn’t able to be strong like everyone else seems to be. I felt weak and useless. I felt emptier than I ever have. The next morning I tried to get up to go to work. I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to go to work. I went to the bathroom and realized my cycle had started. I was so relieved. Perhaps this is why I had a stage 5 colossal meltdown the night before. I told Matt I was staying home and went back to bed. I didn’t get out of bed until 11:30. My faithful cat, Maxwell, didn’t leave the bed until I did. Normally, he is up well before 7am. For several hours I contemplated whether or not I should look into long term medical leave. I was pretty well convinced I could never leave my house again. I was texting two of my friends expressing how I wish I could go back to normal. One of my friends who also has fertility struggles kindly pointed out that this is our new normal. No matter what happens this experience has permanently changed us. And it is so true. I will never be the person I used to be. Another friend told me I can take this time to try to create a new normal. No wonder these people are my friends. They’re so wise and I’m so thankful for them. I also reached out to the ladies in my support group. I expressed I didn’t feel like I was handling things well and wondered what does that even mean. So many women said they felt exactly like I do. They all reported back that what I am doing is perfectly “normal.” I wish I had written down what one person said because it was so perfect and true to me. She said she cycles through all the emotions: “feeling broken, whiny, hopeful, bitter, jealous, back to hopeful, hating people, doing okay.” It went on a little longer, but you get the gist. I laughed and said, “Well I’m currently in the hating people phase. Hopefully, I’ll be back to doing okay soon.” And not too long after this electronic conversation with a person I will never meet, I did start feeling better. I like to think the crazed person I was, was due to the HCG levels dropping. Almost just as quickly as the panic had set in, it was gone. By the time Matt got home from work, I felt “normal” again. I felt hopeful that this month can be our month. I felt like I could go to work and not have a total meltdown and lose my job. I went to work Friday and it was oddly normal. I went out for coffee afterwards and bought some shoes for an upcoming wedding that I’m in. I stopped and bought a few new cat toys. Totally normal things. Then I went home and made two cats very happy and loved my little family. Side note: I will say my cramps this cycle have been on par with the ectopic pregnancy cramps. It’s been extremely painful and I’m glad for the most part my period was over the weekend because it was pretty miserable. Now I’m staring down a full week of work, and it feels doable. Normal. Soon I will be back to starting my days by peeing on ovulation sticks hoping for good luck. “I didn’t want to be normal, until I didn’t have it anymore.” – Maggie Stiefvater Lament: The Faerie Queen’s Deception
2 Comments
Kristine
9/18/2016 04:26:49 pm
Oh my! I remember all thosecfeelings especially the anger. I was working in the NICU going through all this. I was working with to drug babies we were struggling to survive because the idiot mothers or drug addicted. Do you know how angry I was at those women? I took a gift and killed one of them the other one will probably never be right. There were times I had to leave when they came in because I felt I would say something to get myself fired. It was heartbreaking watching the fear in those babies eyes. Those women had no concept of the gift they have been given no appreciation. It was a very hard time. I swear that time I would never say to another mother struggling with infertility I know how you feel. Because each of our struggles is so individual. I believe you've gone through the worst part as the levels are going down and getting back into your normal routine will be good. Don't be afraid to ask for help with the anxiety. That will only build and build. This may have to come from your primary care and talk to him or her about your plans if you have a fear of going on medication and having to stay on it when you're pregnant. That was something I worried about and I hope I just didn't put something in your head that you weren't worrying about. Good luck this week! Sorry yet again for the long long post. I really think you're on the road to fulfilling your dreams. By the way Matt is a stand-up guy!
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Heather Joyce
9/18/2016 05:26:58 pm
Thanks Kristine! I sure hope I have gone through the worst of it. I can't imagine working with those kinds of people ever, especially going through infertility. Matt is a pretty amazing man. couldn't have asked for better support!
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Heather Joyce
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