7/27/2016 0 Comments I literally can't even....I’m so angry right now I can’t even stand myself. I briefly considering creating this post after I “calmed down.” However, I have got to a point in my life where I’ve learned time does not heal all wounds. In fact, on the road of infertility time only seems to exacerbate the problem.
Yesterday, the office called back and said somehow my insurance is now miraculously agreeing to this laparoscopic surgery. When I asked what was different this time versus back in APRIL, she said something incomprehensible to those not familiar with medical jargon. She said something along the lines of it was previously coded as tubal ligation. Now, I’m not doctor but that sounds a whole lot like having your tubes tied. Then when I asked why it was coded that way she really just kind of stammered and then asked me when I had my tubal reversal. Ummmm….I’m 28 years old with no children. I have not had my tubes tied so why would I need them to be reversed? I was literally so taken aback I suddenly had no words. Then she asked me what had changed with my diagnosis since April. I’m going to go full on Millennial here and just say, “I literally can’t even.” Absolutely nothing has changed on my end! She seemed at a loss as to why it was coded that way previously. I seriously began to wonder if she had the correct file or even knew who she was speaking to. I tried to just remain calm and be glad that they were now agreeing to pay for the surgery. However, she was unable to tell me how much this was going to cost because apparently the insurance dictates how much the surgery costs. How is that possibly true? What kind of country are we living in anyway? The only thing she could guarantee was that we would not have to pay more than $3,000 since that is our out of pocket maximum. Fantastic. Whatever. I’ll pay it. She said the surgery lady would be calling me to set up the surgery. So I waited. And waited. And waited. No call by the end of the day. There was a good four hours or so between that phone call and the close of business. So today I impatiently waited more. I managed to only call twice before she called me. She told me I could be squeezed into a cancellation this Friday. I was so elated. Finally, we are getting somewhere! Oh wait. There’s this pesky problem where I haven’t started my period because of the Clomid. They have to do the surgery within the first 12 days of your cycle. Otherwise your insides are too enlarged and there’s more risk for complications. So now I have to wait until September 9th. I cannot explain how furious I am. At this point if I were capable of setting the world on fire, I would give it a strong consideration. I almost started bawling. My doctor is approximately 200 years old, so he no longer does surgery. There’s another doctor in the practice who is going out on maternity leave (must be nice) so she isn’t available for surgery either. They have only one person doing surgeries and he only does them on Friday. I would hate to interfere with his golf game. If I could go back in time and never take Clomid, I absolutely would not take it. I swear if one more person tells me something is “all going to be worth it,” I’m going to need someone to bail me out of jail. I cannot believe in a few short weeks I’m going to have to wake up every day and go to work and pretend to be a person. I feel like I have completely wasted the last three months of my life and I have to waste two more. I feel like I’m being horribly punished. I would take any other punishment than this. I literally lie awake at night bargaining with the universe of all the things I would give up in order to have a healthy baby (I’ve started making my wishes a little more specific this days). I wish I could be put into a coma until September 9th. I literally have no idea how I can live that much longer in this state of limbo. That means the earliest we can try to have a baby again is October. (For the love of Christ please do not say anything along the lines of “Well you have to keep hope. You could still have one naturally.” No I cannot. I cannot have hope and I cannot have a baby naturally. I’m pretty sure I have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than conceiving naturally. If I could get pregnant on hope alone, I would've gotten pregnant a long time ago. When I asked this surgery lady point blank what was different this time than last time, she had absolutely no answer. She just stammered incomprehensibly. Also, when she called she asked for Whitney. *Cue the song, “That’s Not My Name”* Again, giving me great hope in the people who have my fate in their hands. I feel like they really made a terrible mistake and they are unwilling to admit to it. I absolutely blame them for this mess and I can no longer trust them. I cannot stress how excruciating it is to waste so much of my life with these people. Fertility treatments are such a money racket. If I lived closer to a different facility I like to think I would try a different facility, but I am sure they are all the same. I do not feel like they are actually invested in me having a successful pregnancy. They just want my money. This experience has really changed me as a person and I know I’ll never be the person I used to be. I’ve heard so many people and read so many articles and blogs where women have said they appreciate this journey after they have a baby. All I have to say to that is, the brain must do some weird shit to help you cope with negative experiences. I don’t ever see myself being even remotely grateful for this experience. I am so full of hate and anger I can barely stand myself. There seems to be nothing that can take the hurt, the pain, the anger, the bitterness and jealousy away. It only seems to grow more every minute of every day. Now my next step is to get my period and wait until the end of time. If I don’t start my period by Monday I have to go in and get a prescription of Provera to induce my period. If my period takes too long to come I could have to wait until October to have this surgery done. I just want to break everything in our house, knock holes in the wall, and scream and cry until I feel better. Luckily, I don’t have the energy for all that. So, I’m just going to lie on the couch with Maxwell until I run out of tears to cry. I found this Keanu Reeves quote, “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” So true. So true.
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Heather Joyce
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