12/20/2016 0 Comments If we make it through DecemberMy blog posts have been few and far between lately. I figure it’s time for an update. I still haven’t got my period so it looks like our IVF is going to be pushed back to February. The constant half steps forward and 15 steps back is getting old. I started Provera last Thursday. I’ll finish this round of Provera on Christmas Eve. You can start your cycle at any point but it’s expected within 14 days of your last pill which means I’ll likely get my next period January 8th. I hope anyway. Sometimes your body doesn’t even respond to this…so really who knows when or if I’ll get my next cycle. So, when I start my next cycle we will get to start MORE testing. So infuriating. I stopped taking my birth control two years ago in January and I don’t feel any closer to having the family I always dreamed of. If anything it feels farther away than ever.
I wish I could be one of those people that could see the positive in terrible circumstances, but that is just not me. I’ve heard people say “infertility made my marriage so much stronger” or “my friendships are so much better than they used to be.” Well good for you. My marriage and my friendships were just fine before infertility. While I have learned which of my friends are willing to let me lean on them the hardest, I think I would’ve been just fine not having to figure out which of my friends are most trustworthy of my feelings. Another cliché I’m pretty tired of, “infertility made me not take things for granted.” If anything, infertility is making me take everything for granted. I know I have good things in my life. I know my life could be worse. But I am so blinded by infertility. I can’t see or feel anything but negativity. I’m so bitter and worn down. I judge people that I wouldn’t normally have such hateful thoughts about. I begrudge people with several children out of pure jealousy. I hate Christmas cards with baby announcements. Any disappointment of any size is just unbearable. Everything feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. Today I found out my eye doctor doesn’t take my new insurance and I just couldn’t handle it. I cried so hard. Everything feels so out of my control. I really hope this is my lowest low point. I can’t imagine it getting any worse. I hope it can’t anyway. Christmas seems so beyond pointless. I’ve tried so hard. I put up our decorations. We finally got a tree up and decorated. I even managed to choke back all my tears as I put the decorations on the tree wondering, “What is the point of this? Why are we pretending?” I keep seeing things on Facebook and hearing people say, “Christmas is so much more fun when you have your own kids.” Well good for you. Please keep that to yourself. As I was hanging one of my favorite Christmas ornaments all I could think was, “I should be telling my child how I got this ornament and how they’re going to take it for their tree one day.” That’s when I decided not to even bother decorating the back of our tree. The back of our tree is barren, empty -- just like me. The last three Christmases I kept thinking we would finally be able to celebrate Christmas our own way. But it seems we are destined to never have our own family traditions. “I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.” – Alice in Wonderland
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Heather Joyce
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