6/29/2016 4 Comments Keep FightingMy two week wait ended on Sunday as scheduled. AF (aunt flow) arrive right on time as scheduled. I still can’t wrap my mind around how you can have infertility and perfectly predictable periods. I sat down to write a few blog posts, but they were all pretty sad and pathetic. Our last hope for a natural baby was dashed. I haven’t seen the new season of Orange is the New Black (currently starting right now), but someone posted a quote from the new season. Someone asks Piper, “Are you okay?” and Piper replies, “Not even a little bit.” That is currently where I am in life.
Yesterday I saw a many proudly toting his little girl around. I almost lost it. I thought about how I may never get to see that look on Matt’s face. He would be such a great father. I can’t bear the thought of him not being able to be a father. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel it is. Everyone wants a baby in the family and it is the woman’s job to carry the baby. The fertility problems only fall on me. So, how can I not feel some responsibility? Last night I realized I hadn't been processing my feelings. So, before I went to sleep I hunkered down in my bed with a roll of toilet paper (when I cry snot comes from everywhere), and played Hootie's Let her Cry on repeat. I do feel remarkably better today. Tomorrow I start my first round of Clomid. I swear I’m already having hot flashes just thinking about taking it. I woke up sweating horribly this morning. It’s like my body is prepping me for it. I still haven’t even decided if I’m taking it in the morning or evening. I only have a few hours left to make up my mind. Whenever I think about taking it I get Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train stuck in my head. I guess I should add that to my playlist. Honestly, I’m already on such an emotional roller coaster I’m not sure how I will tell if it’s normal mood swings or Clomid mood swings. At least I’ll have something to blame the mood swings on. One of my friends posted a Pat Summitt quote that really resonated with me. This is only a portion of a much larger quote, but it’s the part I connected with. “When you learn to keep fighting in the face of potential failure, it gives you a larger skill set to do what you want to do.” So we will just keep fighting even when it gets too hard.
4 Comments
Jen Martin
6/29/2016 11:00:52 am
For me, the worst part of chlomid was that when I ovulated, it felt like giant golf balls were moving through me. But I really never had any other side effect-hoping that you get through it easily!
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Heather
6/29/2016 12:14:34 pm
Oh wow!!! That sounds terrible. But it does beat the other side effects for sure!
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Kristine Wade
6/29/2016 11:02:45 am
I remember those thoughts. How can I be so flippin regular when the parts for not work. You will see that look on Matt's face. It just may be that you start your family in a different way. It will be a family all the same. I sometimes wish I could havenarrowed a baby. One that had my genes etc, felt the baby move but I don't think pregnancy would have gone well for me and labor? I think they may have added me to leave...lol. Best wishes!!
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Heather
6/29/2016 12:18:17 pm
I hope we get to have a family that consists of things other than cats. I wish it would just happen like it seems to for other people. Maybe I'll be a better mom because of the journey I'm taking. At least I hope so...
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Heather Joyce
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