This week will be a special blog post for National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme of this year’s Bloggers Unite Challenge is Listen Up!
@Infertilityisfu tweeted, “The fertile public still thinks IVF= Octomom, adoption is free, and only pantsuit-wearing unlikable old women are infertile.” Nothing could sum up my infertility experience better than that tweet. I have experienced all kinds of misconceptions and unsolicited advice from a variety of well-intentioned and well educated friends and family. Listen Up! I will share some of my journey to dispel these beliefs. At the beginning of my fertility journey, I believed all those things. I thought that infertile people were older, career focused women who simply waited too long to try to have children. However, one in eight couples struggle to conceive. One in eight. That is a pretty staggering statistic. Infertility is a disease that no one deserves. According to the interwebs, one-third of fertility issues are female related, one-third male related, and the other third is either a mixture of both or unknown causes. My husband and I began trying to have children just after I turned, the ripe old age of, 27. I felt like I was young and pretty healthy. Why would I have trouble getting pregnant? After six months, I still wasn’t pregnant. I’m a fairly impatient person and when I make up mind to do something, I do it. I was growing frustrated that I still wasn’t pregnant. I did have some close friends that I knew had trouble getting pregnant. I thought they were just really unlucky and that could never happen to me…. Right? Infertility is for old women or women/men who have had cancer or men who had physical injuries. I would know if I was infertile, right? I mean, my periods were regular and I had no real symptoms of anything I’d read about online. I went to the doctor and was informed that in Virginia if you are under 35 your insurance will not pay for infertility testing unless you’ve been trying to have a baby for at least a year. So six more months rolled around, and even though I had peed on all kinds of sticks, monitored my temperature every morning at 6am, and kept track of my cervical mucus, I still wasn’t pregnant. At first, I was terrified to schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. What if something was wrong with me? What if something was wrong with my husband? What if something was wrong with both of us? After consulting a friend, I realized I had to know one way or the other. The longer I waited to see a doctor, the longer it could take me to get pregnant. So, just a few months after my 28th birthday I had my first appointment. Besides…nothing serious could be wrong with me. Just a few months of Clomid and I’d be fine, Right? I learned that I had one maybe two blocked fallopian tubes, low AMH, and possible endometriosis. When I realized low AMH is one of the most difficult-to-treat fertility problems, I started looking into other options to build our family—just in case. Of course, I had many friends casually recommend adoption, taking a vacation, or my personal favorite “just relax”. We ultimately decided, with the guidance of our doctor, to start with a “cheaper” fertility treatment: Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). What I learned at this stage of my journey was that although my insurance covered testing, it did not cover ANY treatment. Our IUI cost us about $500 and did not work. Our doctor had recommended surgery to rule out possible endometriosis. At first, our insurance was unwilling to pay for this exploratory surgery. It was going to cost us anywhere from $5,000-$7,000 out of pocket. Luckily, our doctor coded it as surgery for pain management and our insurance did pay, but we still had to pay $1,000. I did have stage 3 endometriosis which was excised and had to have a Fallopian tube removed. Then we tried two more IUIs. My body did not respond to the medicine either time so they were both canceled. Learning my body wasn’t even responding to the medications, even though I was young, was devastating. Everyone who knew about my “trouble to get pregnant” reassured me that I was young and had plenty of time. Everything would be fine. But nothing was fine. Nothing was working. So, we decided to move towards IVF. Even though we were several months into this and I had read everything there was to read about infertility, I still thought IVF would have to work. Just look at Octomom! In my mind, IVF would not only work but, we would probably have multiples, right? Wrong. In fact, we were told IVF would most likely not work the first time and the first round is seen as a test run. One round of IVF at our clinic is about $9,000 plus another $4,000 for our meds. Our clinic had a two cycle package for $15,000 not including medications. So, we went through our first cycle of IVF. Again, my body did not respond to the medications. I had one follicle which we did retrieve and it did have an egg. Unfortunately, it did not make it to transfer day. Our second try, we had three follicles. But, one disappeared before we got to retrieval and only one follicle actually had an egg. It fertilized, but did not stick. The devastation after two failed IVF treatments is indescribable. That was the end of the road for our IVF funds. All along the way, I’ve been looking into alternative solutions. I’ve seriously given adoption strong consideration. However, to go through a private agency is no picnic. You have to really sell yourself publicly to be chosen by someone. Convince someone that although you cannot reproduce on your own, you are worthy of children. You have to go through an extensive home inspection and interview by social workers. Not to mention the price tag is around $30,000-$50,000. On top of that, in most states the birth mother has the right to change her mind within the first week. Giving back a baby is something I couldn’t bear to do. There’s also adoption through foster care. However, the goal of foster care is generally to get the child back to their family. I’ve heard of some really great cases of people getting to adopt an infant quickly through foster care for no or little cost, but those stories are few and far between. Adoption is not nearly as simple as what I had been lead to believe. Adoption should also not be viewed as the burden of the infertile. You do not have to be infertile to adopt. Despite what some may say to you on this journey, it is not selfish to want to have your own baby even if it requires significant medical intervention. I’ve also had friends casually recommend using a surrogate (which is now referred to as gestational carrier). Generally gestational carriers are used if the mother cannot carry a baby to term safely. The cost of gestational carriers is astounding. This can range from $100,000-$150,000+. That is simply not an option for me. And, some states and countries prohibit the use of gestational carriers. For instance, in our nation’s capital you may be fined $10,000, or sentenced to prison for one year, or both if you break this law. Besides, I want the full package of being a mother—swollen cankles and all. Our next option was donor eggs. I honestly had no idea this was even a thing. We can use someone else’s eggs and fertilize it with my husband’s sperm and have that embryo transferred to my uterus. Again, this comes with a steep price tag. Our clinic costs about $30,000 plus the cost of medications. Way out of our price range. Luckily, we found a clinic in New York that offers packages starting at $9,000 and allows you to finance through them with no credit check. For this, we will have to travel just under 8 hours away. We are currently in the process of waiting for our donor to start her medications. This is hopefully the way we will build our family. Although our baby will not be biologically similar to me (if we get lucky), I know I will love any baby that comes into my life in any way. Science is an incredible thing to give us this opportunity. This is my (very condensed) infertility story. I am not an unlikable, pantsuit-wearing, old lady. I am an otherwise healthy, mostly likable, young woman. The only pantsuit I own is strictly for job interviews or scary work meetings. I have done IVF twice and I did not have 8 babies; I had zero live babies. While adoption is a very great way to create a family, this is not the road we are wanting to go down as it is certainly not easy or free. I am grateful that science and very generous women exist to help me start my family. I am one in eight. So please, Listen Up, and learn more about the issues of infertility. The fact is, someone you know (or perhaps even you) are infertile. If you are already on this crazy roller coaster, please find positive supports in your life and try to distance from the not-so-positive. Even on days when it seems impossible, be kind to yourself. For more information about infertility please see: http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/
2 Comments
Anon
4/24/2017 05:12:53 pm
Now listen up being over 40 I don't wear pant suits nor do I deserve infertility anymore than you do. And I'm older not old
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Heather Joyce
4/24/2017 05:17:02 pm
I certainly didn't meant to offend. No one deserves infertility for certain. I think there's a certain misunderstanding that only older women suffer from infertility. I just want to dispel that myth that younger women can have the same issues older women have. I wish you nothing but luck in your journey.
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Heather Joyce
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