5/11/2017 0 Comments May 11th, 2017It’s been a while since my last update. The last week and a half has been long…as usual. I think my emotions have been pushed to the brink this past week or so. My husband is leaving to go to Switzerland for three months soon. We had talked about me going to meet him for a couple of weeks, but I realized it just wasn’t going to happen. For the two days I thought I was going to be able to go I felt really happy. But of course… I realized the time I was going to go would be right in the middle of when we would be prepping for our transfer. I honestly still don’t completely understand the transfer process. But in June when I start my period, I’ll go in for an ultrasound on day 3 of my period. My period is normally predictable but sometimes it throws me for a loop. There’s no way I want to risk missing my ultrasound date. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to find someone spur of the moment in a foreign country to do that for me if something were to go awry. When I realized I couldn’t go I was pretty devastated. And that is a gross understatement.
I remember when all of this started happening I had to keep reminding myself to feel my feelings. Every day on the way to or from work I would just let them wash over me. I cried ALL THE TIME. Apparently at some point I was like “F*&! Feelings” and totally shut down. Perhaps it was because so many people kept telling me I should be grateful for what I have in my life or I should just be happy. Maybe my feelings were just too much for me to handle at such high intensities all the time. But somewhere along the way I really lost myself. When I first started therapy and my therapist would ask what kinds of feelings were present while we were talking, it was terrifying to realize I truly had no feelings about anything. The last few weeks I think I’ve started having feelings again and it’s so inexplicably bizarre how scary that is. How can you go so long without feelings and not notice? But today I am feeling pretty good. I’m giving myself permission to feel as okay as I can feel and I’m not going to judge myself for not feeling better. This week I hit a big milestone with my weight loss. I’m officially down 20 pounds since Christmas. When I did the progesterone shots my weight loss took a bit of a hit. I also realized in my haste to get ready for work yesterday I accidentally pulled a pair of pants out of my closet that have never fit me before. I bought them a few months ago online but they were too small and I was too ashamed to take them back. Now they fit very comfortably! This is pretty huge for me. Food definitely used to be my biggest self-medicating vice. Now I don’t feel like food controls me at all. That feels like a win. As far as updates go on this whole egg donor process goes… I have ordered all of my medications this week. I’m taking 9 medications to prepare for this transfer. That’s way more medications than I’ve taken before I think. I ended up having to go through 4 different pharmacies for these medications. Some of the medications they are prescribing are to reduce inflammation. Our doctor believes that the majority infertility cases may be caused by some kind of undiagnosable inflammatory/autoimmune response. It really seems like a very progress view point. Two of the medications were not allowed to be shipped from New York to Virginia because of some medication standards. So I ended up having to go through two different pharmacies in order to get these medications. One medication I will take just before the transfer so they are shipping that medication directly to the clinic. The other I will start before I leave home so I had to find a place that was able to ship to Virginia. Costco had several of the medications and were cheaper than the other pharmacies. Although some of Costco’s drugs were much more expensive so I had to rely on our old pharmacy called Mandells. Yesterday I got a call that one of the medications that’s about $60 was actually covered by my insurance and is only a $7 copay! He said he’s never seen insurance pay for that before. Tonight when I went to pick up my prescriptions from Costco, I realized my insurance picked up some of those as well! I'm still waiting on the two most expensive medications and I realized one prescription didn't get sent over. Glad I'm doing this way in advance. So our our meds have cost only $177! I think the others will cost about $475ish. That's a far cry from the $1500 I initially thought they would cost without insurance. So now we wait some more. Our donor is supposed to go in for her baseline scan on May 24th. Her egg retrieval will be around June 9th. Then I just have to wait to start my period and start my medications. I have a new favorite Doctor Who quote that almost sounded like it was made for infertility, "Hope is its own form of cruelty."
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Heather Joyce
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