6/15/2016 0 Comments Next StepsToday I feel like I’m channeling my inner Ouiser Boudreaux: “I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.”
We had our follow up with our doctor yesterday. He told us that although my tubes are open both tubes did show some abnormalities. I feel like I’ve been living on a false hope the last few weeks. Hello emotional roller-coaster. Ticket for one please. He said the abnormalities could be congenital or could be damage from endometriosis or a prior infection I never even knew I had. I have “marginal” ovarian reserve. So, I don’t have many eggs left. Since I was 10 I’ve always been told I was an old soul trapped in a young body (literally just had someone tell me this again last week). It seems my ovaries came with my soul and not with my body. So although I am only 28, time is not on my side. Because of this we need to try more “aggressive” treatments. So, the recommendation was to try two rounds of Clomid with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The chances of a pregnancy by this method for us is about 10%. I do not feel like “the odds are ever in my favor.” The odds for a healthy, fertile couple getting pregnant naturally is only 20% so I feel like the 10% isn’t as bad as it sounds on the surface. But no amount of googling or support group help is giving me much hope. I can’t seem to find anyone who got pregnant on one or two rounds of IUI with Clomid. If this pathway doesn’t work we go back to the debate of “should we pay $5,000 for a surgery that may not be helpful?” Or, we would go straight to IVF? Which again, we could pay over $10,000 for no success. I know I should be more positive about our chances. But I’m running low on hope. That is a lot of money to gamble on. Then, it’s not like babies stop costing money once they are born. I feel so out of control. I love control. When we started this journey we were going to get pregnant right away and I would deliver the baby in May so that I didn’t have to miss much work. I am a recovering perfectionist, but being this out of control makes that hard too. I don’t even have dreams that I am having a baby anymore. Any baby dreams I have now is just me holding someone else baby. It never gets any easier hearing that it is highly unlikely that I can get pregnant naturally and the odds don’t seem much better with treatment. I keep trying to be positive but simultaneously not get my hopes up. Those are conflicting states to be in. Luckily, Matt has enough optimism for the both of us.
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Heather Joyce
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