5/25/2017 0 Comments One Year Blog-aversaryIt has been a while since my last update. I still don’t have much to report. Tomorrow is my one year blog-aversary. That is crazy to believe. I remember writing the first blog post thinking that it was probably going to be the last or only one I wrote. This will be my 66th post and I’ve had almost 26,000 visitors. That’s kind of mind blowing to me. I remember thinking that I was (hopefully) blowing this whole infertility thing out of proportion (as some of my friends had told me I was doing). Don’t get me wrong, I do have a tendency to get worked up over little to nothing. Up to this point in my life when something went awry it would quickly work itself out. But this…this has not quickly worked itself out. It has not resolved in the slightest. Things really have only gotten harder with each failure. I am definitely not the same person I was one year ago—for better or for worse. It is what it is.
Last week my therapist recommended a Dialectal Behavior Therapy group that was just starting up. The term “dialectical” “comes from the idea that bringing together two opposites in therapy – acceptance and change – brings better results than one alone.” This therapy was initially used in the treatment of people with personality disorders but is now a widely used therapy for mood disorders as well. At first, I was kind of taken aback because I knew it was used for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not sure why this was so stigmatizing to me. I don’t have BPD, but I’m certainly not managing my stress as well as I’d like. The module I’m participating in is distress tolerance. It’s supposed to teach you to deal better with ambiguity, uncertainty, and “thwarted life goals.” My life goals have certainly been thwarted. Can I really argue that I don’t need better distress tolerance? Definitely not. So I went. It was the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced. If ever I’ve had an out of body experience my first DBT group was definitely it. I felt like I was in some kind of TV show. At least the group facilitator was not like Nurse Ratched. We started off by introducing ourselves to each other and telling about a high and low from our week. Some of the women shared quite openly which was somewhat shocking to me. The whole time I really kept thinking, “How did I end up here?” Everything the psychologist was telling us I already knew. I don’t do DBT specifically with my students but everything I heard was very familiar. So how did I get there? I’m clearly not using skills I already know about and teach to others. It’s kind of a weird situation to be in. Quite honestly it felt somewhat embarrassing. But I clearly need it. I went to my second class last night. It was much less surreal. The other ladies are not that unlike me. It actually felt somewhat helpful. 6 more sessions to go… Perhaps I will make it to radical acceptance. Yesterday I did get news that our donor showed up to her appointment and she will be starting her medications on Monday. Step one of so many more steps is complete. Her retrieval is tentatively set for June 9th which is my last day of school. My husband leaves for Switzerland June 1st. This will definitely be a long summer. Hopefully my transfer will be sometime in July. Today on my Facebook memories a quote from the book Wonder showed up and it seemed quite fitting. “So doesn’t that make the universe a giant lottery then? You purchase a ticket when you are born and it’s all just random whether you get a good ticket or a bad ticket. It’s all just luck.”
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Heather Joyce
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