Today is cycle day 7 stim day 5. I think. The side effects have set in for sure. Last night I felt as if I had been hit by a bus. Muscles I didn't even know I had hurt. My brain is in such a fog. I've double booked myself for meetings. It's hard to stay focused. It is hard for me to finish a thought while talking or writing. This is your warning. This could be a totally incoherent post. Matt is also sick so that has been hard too.
I didn't realize until yesterday it's our responsibility to order our meds when we get low. So last night I called the pharmacy just before closing to order more before we ran out. It was $715.50 for two days worth. We will likely need 7 more days of this medicine. They asked if I wanted more alcohol pads and another sharps container because their free with orders over $300. Do I need them? Not really. Did I order them anyway? You betcha. Gotta get free stuff where I can. I went in for another vaginal sonogram and bloodwork today. My left ovary is still hiding somewhere. I'm beginning to think it's dead. It hasn't done anything the last 2 cycles and doesn't seem to be doing anything now. My right ovary only had one follicle and it wasn't even measurable. Not good news. We go back for another scan Sunday. When I got the message my bloodwork came back it said, "it's not the destination, but the journey." How is that supposed to be comforting when they're basically telling me this cycle is likely going to be a bust before we even get started? My estrogen is not rising like they want. I'm not responding to these meds. A lot of people keep telling me how strong or brave I am. I feel like an imposter. I do not feel like either of these things. I'm not even sure what it means to be these things. Truthfully, every time I share a blog or talk about my experience I'm terrified. I'm terrified someone is going to say something unintentionally hurtful to me. I'm terrified someone is going to say something intentionally hurtful. On some days the hurt is so much it truly doesn't matter if it's intentional or not. I'm exhausted. I don't even know if the exhaustion is mental or physical, but I assume both. I'm trying to schedule therapy aboutppointments, acupuncture appointments, and doctors appointments all outside my work schedule so I don't have to take any sick leave. Not that I could just take leave. I'm so busy. I keep getting things mixed up and confused. I also have a lot of meetings before and after work and that's been difficult to manage with all my appointments. Today I was so busy I didn't have lunch. I got to my acupunture appointment a little early and was going to eat lunch quickly at 4:15 in my car. Only I realized I left the house in such a hurry that I forgot to pack a fork. Kind of hard to eat a salad with no utensils. I almost started crying. But about that time I realized I was supposed to go to FedEx to pick up my meds. That's how I got to acupuncture early in the first place. Ugh. I'm so overwhelmed. Feeling like total crap, which the acupuncturist could detect, I did the acupuncture thing. The last few sessions I've totally passed out during them. This time, while laying on the table with 25+needles hanging from my body, I just wanted to cry. I haven't really cried in a while. Days even. Maybe weeks. I feel so compartmentalized I don't know that I'll ever have feelings again. My therapist actually says this is normal and okay for now. Not as crazy as I first speculated. Good to know. Finally after several minutes one tear snuck out of my right eye. The lone tear trailed down the side of my face and landed in my ear. I just laid there waiting for more, but nothing. My left eye, like my left ovary, seems dead. That's all the emotion I could muster. Luckily, FedEx let my husband sign for my package of meds so I was able to just go home after that. I listened to Let Her Cry all the way home hoping to have a nice cry. Nothing. I believe I may be a robot. I got home feeling exhausted and hungry. We ate our dinner and got ready for injections. The first few days haven't been so bad. There's lots of puns and innedundos you can make about injections the keep the mood light. But tonight, I was tired and feeling discouraged from our results. What if all of this is for nothing? I've learned the left side hurts way worse than the right side for some reason. It's good to alternate sides because it keeps you from running out of space on your belly. More things to keep up with. We did the shot that hurts the most first. It bled this time. Then we did the easy shot. For some reason when the needle went in my skin it hurt so bad I just started bawling. It hasn't hurt like that before. But my body is so tired and in pain. I just cried for a minute and held my breath. Then I let Matt do the injection. I needed to lay down fast. I cried a good cry. It felt good to know there were still tears in there somewhere. Still laying on the couch trying to write this blog actually...I sharted. I've heard to never trust a fart on fertility meds, but I really let my guard down on this one. Just when things literally feel like they can't get much worse I actually shit myself. I started crying instantly again. I yelled at my husband not to follow me or help me. Because...how embarassing? I know he would have helped me, but man...what a crappy situation...pun intended. There's nothing you can do to prepare yourself for every curveball infertility throws at you. There seems to be no stone unturned by my body. If it can let me down it seems damned and determined to do it. So, like I said. I don't feel particularly brave or strong today. I'm sure glad it's Friday because I would have to take tomorrow off if it weren't. This is the kind of day where I really can't handle comments that are "well intentioned" but in reality are microagressions (therapy is really paying off.) I'm tired and broken and IVF has only just begun. I'm stealing a quote my BFF shared tonight because it couldn't be more appropriate to my day. "This moment will be just another story someday." -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
4 Comments
Kristine
2/3/2017 10:59:50 pm
I will say this and hope and pray it is not upsetting: hang on! I think all you are feeling is normal. My nerves were raw on those meds. I remember hearing people say when I expressed doubts "Everything will be fine" "It will work". Then the meds would say: "no everything won't be ok, you fool!" Tell the meds to shut up! Hang on!
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Heather Joyce
2/4/2017 09:54:28 am
hahah not upsetting at all. that's exactly what the meds are telling me. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way on these crazy meds.
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Susan
2/4/2017 08:57:19 am
Continued prayers for you, friend! Don't swear the shart...we've all been there! 😄
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Heather Joyce
2/4/2017 09:52:40 am
haha!! I've had lots of friends text me their shart stories today. it was comforting for sure. ?
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Heather Joyce
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