1/5/2017 0 Comments Still waiting...Have you ever said, "if *insert thing here* happens *insert number of times here* I'm going to lose it!" Well that thing (getting a flashy smiley face) happened to me that many times (6) yesterday. And I LOST it.
So, I have been doing ovulation predictor kits this month and when I get my solid smiley face (aka peak ovulation) I'm supposed to call the doctor and have my IVF meds ordered (or cycle day 18--whichever happens first). The way these tests work is that you got a circle for low fertility, a flashy smiley face for high fertility, and a solid smiley face for peak. Most people get 4 or less flashy faces before getting their solid smiley face. Any more than 9 just give up...you are not going to ovulate. Generally, on the medication I would go from low to peak overnight on cycle day 12. This month I got a flashy smiley face on cycle day 11.....cycle day 12...cycle day 13...cycle day 14...cycle day 15...so on cycle day 16 when I got my 6th smiley face I. lost. My. Shit. I cried instantly. I crawled back in bed with my husband and sobbed. I cried until I felt like if I didn't get up there was no way I was going to work. So, finally I got up and threw on something that resembled clothes appropriate for work. Put my hair in a ponytail ...all while crying... fixed my lunch and left. I cried the whole way to work. Normally, when I cry on the way to work there's a spot where I know I have to start getting myself together. I got to that spot and passed it and still couldn't get it together. I parked and kept crying. Luckily, I was texting someone (while parked) and finally mustered up all I could to go in the building with her encouragement. I somehow wasn't even late. I even walked in with another coworker and she didn't even seem to notice. I somehow managed to make it through work. There were times I thought for sure I'd have to close my door and sob, but I didn't. I even managed a coffee date with someone afterwards. I don't know how. Prior to yesterday, I was finally thinking, "Oh I can finally write a happy blog post!" We started the Ketogenic diet right after Christmas. I've known for a while that I needed to do this but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had already given up caffeine, alcohol, and God knows what else. I couldn't give up my one true comfort. Once I said, "the only thing I have left in my life is food" out loud I instantly thought, "I'm pretty sure this is how people end up on the biggest loser." I realized I had to make a change. The first few days were rough. I was miserable. I had a terrible headache and felt like a sloth. I'm so glad I started before work because I would not have made it otherwise. Once I realized I'm not just eating for myself: I'm eating for my future child. I'm eating for my husband to be a father. I'm eating for my parents and in-laws to be grandparents. It's a lot of pressure, but it makes it so much easier to say no to temptations. Now that we are over a week in, I can't believe how much better I feel. My mind feels clear. Dare I say, I felt happy for a few days (prior to yesterday). I was making one of my new favorite recipes (tuna avocado bites) and I enjoyed cooking them! For those that don't know, I am the queen of frozen pizza. Whatever requires the least amount of effort is what I "like" to "cook." But here I was touching canned tuna mixed with mayonnaise and avocado with my bare hands and enjoying it! I actually felt proud of myself which is something that never happens especially if it involves me in the kitchen. Although yesterday was really terrible, I woke up today...got another flashy smiley face...spoke a few choice words to my OPK and threw it in the trash and kept going. I hate that I'm clearly not going to ovulate which means who knows when I'm going to start my period which means who knows when we will get to start IVF. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. This used to stress me out (and will continue I'm sure), but I need to find peace in knowing I'm literally doing everything I can. Should I have starting trying to have kids sooner? Maybe. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. I'll never know. Should I have cut out carbs sooner? Maybe. I'll never know. But I'm doing it now. On one of the first days of the diet I was so angry that I had to do the diet in the first place. "It's not fair I have to do this," I yelled out loud. It's not fair. It's not fair that by the end of this we will have spent well over $30,000 and we may or may not get pregnant. None of it is fair. But it is what it is. And I have to figure out a way to be okay with that. I started going back to acupuncture today (probably should have started that sooner too, but oh well). The man I used to see quit so now I'm seeing the other one. She's very likable. She laughs at my sarcasm. She seems optimistic that IVF will work. I also seem to have mastered the art of scratching my nose with multiple needles hanging out of my hand and arm without too much fear. When I got home I had so much energy and I felt light as a feather. I felt like my old self for the first time in a long time. I bought a pair of those Taylor Swift Keds with a cat on the side. I was dancing in the kitchen wearing those listening to Shake It Off while I prepared a healthy dinner. I'm trying to live in the moment and accept things how they are in the here and now. If I can feel this good after a day as bad as yesterday, I almost look forward to seeing how good I'll feel tomorrow. "If there's a single lesson that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." -- The Magicians
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Heather Joyce
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