4/10/2017 0 Comments Stuck in the waiting game...Things have been kind of slow over the past few days. I feel like I’m living two lives or someone else’s life or something. Sometimes I have to actually say to myself, “This is your life” to remind myself this is all real. It’s a very surreal feeling to know that I will never have my own biological child. Sometimes I feel like we’ve stopped trying altogether and I have to actually remind myself we are still moving forward with donor eggs. I can’t seem to let myself think that I’ll ever have a child. My thoughts are very flighty today so this could be a very incoherent blog post.
We mailed Matt’s sperm off and they made it safe and sound. The lab person said it would be great to get 2 or 3 vials and, of course, we got 5 vials because Matt has Jim Bob Duggar sperm. So now that’s all taken care of and we don’t have to worry about that piece anymore. We have tentatively been matched with another donor. I still can’t let my hopes get up until we have embryos. Even then, I’m not sure I’ll be able to have any hope. So we are just waiting around until our donor starts her period to figure out the specific details. This donor has already cycled before and the recipient had a positive outcome so that is great to know. She also doesn’t have to go through the vetting since she’s already cycled before. We should get our new contract tomorrow and we can make our deposit and sign everything so that it’s all official. Last week, we had a couple’s counseling appointment to talk about the ins and outs of being a donor egg recipient. It was extremely informative. I highly recommend anyone doing adoption or donation take advantage of that even if your clinic doesn’t require it. I had no clue there were so many children’s books about IVF, egg/sperm/embryo adoption and adoption. Part of the appointment was exciting thinking about reading these books to a little one. I had to remind myself that I’m not pregnant yet. We also took advantage of some time off work to have early anniversary pictures made. At our wedding we did a wine box ceremony where we put love letters we had written and a bottle of wine together. We planned to open it on our fifth wedding anniversary. Well...it’s not quite our 4th anniversary yet, but it seemed like a good time to re-kindle our love. It was so much fun getting dressed up and having someone take our pictures. We got to enjoy a really tasty bottle of wine and read our love letters. It was surreal to read them. It seemed like another life time ago that they had been written. It was really cool to have that experience. We are writing new letters and put a new bottle of wine in our box to open sometime in the future. I’m really glad we have this tradition. I needed to remember our life before infertility, because it seems like it was so long ago. We’ve spent over half our marriage trying to have a baby. That’s pretty crazy to wrap my mind around. I’m really glad we dated for so long prior to being married. I have to have some more blood work done because it’s been just about a year since some of it was completed, so it’s no longer considered usable. It’s crazy to think we’ve been at this for a year with medical help. I think a year ago I thought I’d get a couple rounds of Clomid –tops—and finally be pregnant. Nope…not how it works…Not for me anyway. So I called our old clinic to schedule my blood work. I felt like I was calling a boyfriend and he broke up with me. They want me to just go straight to the lab to have it done instead of coming to them. I don’t really understand why. I probably should’ve just asked. But it was super awkward. I wonder if they’ll refer me to a regular OB/GYN when it comes time for my ultrasounds…So tomorrow some strangers will be taking my blood and I’ll just have to hope that they get my results to my new clinic in a timely fashion. I feel like I’m in such a stagnant place because there’s really nothing I can do. I always feel so much more in control when I’m taking medications or prepping or doing something. There’s literally nothing I can do except wait. I feel so frozen in the waiting. I feel like I’m just barely able to go through the motions. “Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” Mandy Hale
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Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
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