7/29/2016 0 Comments True Life: DepressionI’m currently CD 34 (cycle day) with no AF (aunt flow) in sight. Although, my stomach is cramping worse than ever before. This pain has been frequent, but intermittent since last Thursday. So, I’m not getting my hopes up.
Yesterday, I called the doctor’s office again. I realized that next week I’ll be in a training all day every day and won’t be able to make it to the doctor’s office before they close. My doctor had originally told me that if I hadn’t started my period by the end of the week I needed to go in for a blood test. I was calling to see if I needed an appointment for that or if I could just swing by. The nurse that returned my call (they never answer on the first try), told me that I didn’t need to come in for a blood test. Great. I love their consistency. She explained that they cannot prescribe medicine to induce a period until cycle day 35 or later. Well that’s going to be a Saturday for me and I can’t come in next week. Sucks for me I guess. Not having a regular cycle is uncharted territory for me so I had a lot of questions. The nurse started explaining that they would not prescribe me medication until Monday, but they could just call it into my pharmacy. She then began to explain how the medication works. Depending on what the doctor prescribes I could take the medicine for 5, 7 or 10 days. It could take an additional two weeks AFTER I stop taking the medicine before my period starts. If this is the case, how do we actually know this medication is actually what causes your period to start and not that it’s just been a really long time and it finally decides to show up? So basically, worst case scenario, I may not start my period until August 24th. That will put me at cycle day 16 on the day of my surgery. The surgery has to be completed prior to cycle day 12. So, I would have to be put on birth control so that we don’t have to push the surgery back another cycle. I was really trying to keep it together, but this news really pushed me over the edge. I was sobbing so hard I’m not sure how she could actually understand what I was saying. But somehow, she managed to stay calm and empathize AND answer my questions. She was so sweet and patient and talked to me for over 20 minutes. She told me she knows this process sucks and it’s scary. She let me know I am not the only person to yell and cry at her or others on the phone. She told me it was okay that I was on the bad end of this emotional roller coaster and that it was my right to feel that way. I began telling her how frustrated I was by this entire process so she put me on hold to read my file. She thoroughly explained everything that I asked about. She had absolutely no explanation for why they originally coded my surgery as “tubal ligation.” She also did not dwell on this, which leads me to believe they really did screw up the first time. But, that is not her fault and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I asked her what her opinion was on having an OB/GYN do the surgery. She gently pointed out that’s not really their expertise, but did give me a list of clinics that she would recommend. But then, even more gently pointed out that no one can do anything until I start my period anyway. By the time we got off the phone, I was no less depressed, but I was less angry. I think it’s painfully clear that I meet criteria for a diagnosis of depression. Pretty sure it doesn’t take a psychologist to figure that one out. Depression is pretty horrible. If you haven’t read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson I highly recommend it. She describes “the spoon theory.” Everyone has a certain amount of spoons each day to get through the day. Each activity requires one spoon. Some days you have less spoons and some days you have more spoons. I love this weird explanation as it makes so much sense to me. Some days I can shower, put on make-up, and decent clothes. I can go out and enjoy myself. Some days I cannot even force myself to brush my teeth or get off the couch at all. These last few days it’s taken me about four hours to be functional. (I have a very loose definition of functional right now). Sometimes I lie in the bed for an hour or so after I wake up. Then I mosey to the couch for the rest of the day watching Golden Girls and Game Show Network while petting my cats. I haven’t even been able to convince myself to cook an egg for breakfast. I’ve been living on Belvita bars and canned soup I’ve “cooked” in the microwave. I’ve been scrounging for snacks in between until my husband comes home and feeds me. I think I’ve also been averaging 10-12 hours of sleep per day. I’ve been taking a couple of naps during the day and then still going to bed at my normal time. A quote from one of my favorite books, “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” really resonates with me right now. “I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” Sleeping seems to be a much better option than being awake right now. Going out into public requires so much energy. I have to shower, brush my teeth, find acceptable clothing AND dry my hair. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I cannot remember the last time I put make-up on because I don’t ever have enough spoons for that. Then I have to pull myself together so I’m not a total drag the whole time. I really have to practice visualizing all the things I could possibly encounter in public so that I don’t have a panic attack or spontaneously burst into tears. If I’m going somewhere with a 30 minute or more commute I usually listen to really depressing music and cry the whole way so I can get it out of my system before I get to my destination. Another quote from “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” that feels so appropriate to me right now: “I wanted to tell people, "My depression is acting up today" as an excuse for not seeing them, but I never managed to pull it off.” It’s weird that even though I know my friends know that I’m depressed, I have this same thought every time and yet I still never verbalize my unwillingness to go out into public this way even though it’s the truth. I’m actually really looking forward to having work all week next week. I know the only cure for self-imposed bed rest is structure and routine. It’s the only way to keep going. I’m exposing the truths of my depression not because I want people to feel sorry for me, but because so many people have depression and can’t or won’t share their experiences. Depression is still one of the things that’s too stigmatizing to talk about. I’m going to leave this post with a Jenny Lawson quote: “Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tries to convince me otherwise.”
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Heather Joyce
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