6/4/2016 0 Comments Weekends are hardWeekends are hard. As hard as it is to get up in the morning, shower, and go to work, unstructured time is hard too.
What better way to spend a nice Saturday? You might guess going to yardsales. That's what I thought anyway. The first yardsale we went to had Charlie Brown books and beautiful Disney lithographs from all of my favorite movies. In no way do I want to belittle or offend those with bipolar disorder, but I think I can relate. The hope I sometimes allow myself to feel can send me on emotional highs that make me drop $60 at CVS on a month's supply of store brand ovulation test strips and gimmicky "fertility enhancers" (which I did last night). When I saw these Disney lithographs, I immediately plummeted from my "hopeful high." I wanted them all. I wanted to frame them and put them in a nursery and buy all the cutesy little books. But then I remembered that I can't be that hopeful. Later in the day we were able to pry ourselves off the couch and away from the TV to do some much needed yard-work. While I was pulling weeds, I remembered how I used to help my mom pull weeds from her flowerbed. Again, that deep pain my stomach that sucks the air right out of my lungs when I am faced with yet another thing I may never get to experience. I may never get my own little garden helper. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by reminders of memories I may never have. I feel robbed. I feel a level of sadness I didn't know was possible. It's these days that make me try to convince myself I don't even want a baby. No matter what I tell myself, I can't seem to convince myself. I almost hate our house. It feels like a constant reminder of my naivete. Back when I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me and anything was possible. Back when I could hear the pitter patter of little feet and imagine our Doctor Who themed nursery. Now all I can see is a house that's too big for two people. This house almost echoes with emptiness. I don't know what I would do without my husband who is hopelessly optimistic. It's so easy to believe your broken and useless. He reminds me frequently that he loves me no matter what. He just holds me without questions when I spontaneously burst into tears. I like to think I could end every post with a little humor or hope. But I am struggling today. We did finish season 2 of Grace and Frankie today. This show has so many excellent, poignant and/or sarcastic quotes that are perfect if you feel like your life is falling apart. I will end this post with a quote from Babe: "Inhale peace. Exhale joy."
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Heather Joyce
Trying to conceive. Archives
April 2018
Categories |